Monsters and Critics columnist Liz Long recaps Bachelor in Paradise, Season 7, Episode 8, Week 5, with a little help from a tequila shot (or two) …
Hello, my Rose-Lovers! The moment has finally arrived where Brendan and Pieper leave Paradise … but I’ll have you know! They are blissfully in love, grateful Paradise could bring them together … and are, therefore, gracefully leaving Paradise on their OWN terms!
This is almost as much of a load of horse s**t as what Pieper spewed in her Insta stories last night where she said she and Brendan were never in an exclusive relationship prior to coming to Paradise.
I’m sorry, Pieper … doth my ears deceive me when you declared on NIGHT ONE in Paradise that Brendan “is your boyfriend” and you “came to pick up right where you left off?”
And hey little Brendan …. doth my eyes deceive me when I saw the brigade of Islanders call you out, which is the REAL reason you left … but okay, okay. I’ll play your game of delusion.
Your girl is fired up, folks. Thankfully I have Wells to bring me peace and tequila to soothe my nerves … let’s recap.
Grocery Store Joe and his ladies take care of business!
After Natasha clarified to everyone that, hey – Brendan is just as guilty of being here for the wrong reasons as Chris, Godfather Joe took heed and led his pack of women to confront Brendan and Pieper, who were STILL busy musing about how “nobody wanted Natasha” …
SOMEBODY HOLD ME BACK!
Pieper whispers, “I have a master’s degree in marketing; I can figure out how to get more followers.”
Uhhhh, Pieper? You might wanna ask for a refund.
But back to Joe.
Joe asks them just how serious is their relationship and why they came here.
Brendan does us all a solid by clarifying that the two times he hung out with Pieper were the only actual one-on-ones … but all the other times, you see, were in a group setting. Nonetheless, they admit they didn’t really come to Paradise “open,” and “Demi God” get the hook, girl, because I’ve had just about enough of this crap.
Not so fast Grocery Store Joe instructs … WE can’t kick them out … we can only create a hostile enough environment so that people WANT to leave.
And leave they did.
Attention all! Brendan has something to share with the group!: “This environment isn’t where we want to be at this particular moment,” (ya don’t say) … “This is the girl I want to be with. I’m going to leave with her, and we’re going to do that on our own terms.” (The jig is up, Brendan. You are making yourself look even more foolish if that is even possible.)
Oh wait, there’s more As the happy couple rides off in their reject van for two, Brendan leaves us with these final thoughts:
“I didn’t want to intentionally mislead anyone, I just withheld information.”
Can we put a fork in these two now? Yes? Good. Now let’s get back to the way Paradise was meant to be!
Maurissa sucks on Riley’s toe, Tammy begins her birthday celebration, and what’s that? Is that the murmurings of a “YE-AH!” echoing throughout Mexico?
Lil Jon has entered the island, folks! Just to make this more of a s**t show than it already was.
Natasha gets justice!
And can I just say? God bless, Wells. Wells comes with an extra rose just for Natasha, because as he puts it, “she had her opportunity at love torn away … She was all in for one person that just wasn’t honest with her.” (ABC, can we PLEASE have Wells as the new host already?)
Demi, Deandra, Jessenia and Tammy are the ones having to go home without a mans, and as Tammy eats a cupcake-for-one in the reject SUV, lamenting the day as her “worst birthday ever,” I say, there, there, Tams. When I told you you should have stuck with cutie-patootie Aaron, I meant it.
Tatty Daddy Blake arrives but chooses Tia over Natasha … sigh
Now that Natasha has gotten her “pity rose,” can we get a facially-clad-haired man with tattoos and a good head of hair in here?!
We can? Oh goodie.
Enter Blake Monar. A hottie allegedly from Clare and Tayshia’s season, but I would have remembered this tattooed snack of a man, and I don’t. I’m just glad he’s gracing our beach and you know who else is? Tia.
Tia is pregnant just by looking at him so when she secures the date over Natasha (sigh), you better believe she is already naming her first child after kissing him. Blake sets her lady parts on fire .. wait .. how did Tia word that again? *checking notes* … ah yes, her “vagina was dancing.”
Poor Natasha’s nether-regions are not dancing because she is left going on a date with Dr. Joe (he finally showed!) and darn these wicked ABC producers .. because Joe is bros with Brendan, and being that it’s apparently “bros before hoes” with these two … this date was an absolute flop. That’s okay Natasha. You’re too good for all of this anyway.
Serena and Joe are falling in love!
Meanwhile, Joe and Serena P. are falling in love! And, while I’ve always been kind of on the fence in whether I like Serena P. … I gotta say … Grocery Store Joe looks good on her! He seems to bring out the best in her and it was absolutely adorable when she decided to “shoot her shot” and told him first that she was “falling in love with him,” to which Joe immediately replied, “I am too!”
But who is that lurking in the background, watching this whole thing go down? Why it’s none other than Joe’s ex, Kendall, who seriously stared at them for a solid 20 minutes while they made out. Poor Ivan suggested they make out as well, to which Kendall was all, “This just isn’t the right time, Ivan.” Go have a shot of tequila, Kendall! Do ANYTHING besides torturing yourself over the one that got away.
Ah, well, more tequila for me. So what say you, Rose-Lovers?! What did you think of Brendan and Pieper’s “voluntarily” dismissal? Are you feeling Serena and Joe? And will Natasha ever have her chance at love? (I think she’ll be alright.)
‘Til next week my loves.
Bachelor in Paradise airs Tuesday nights at 8/7c on ABC.