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Marriage Boot Camp: The hold the reins of craziness edition recap

Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars Tara meltdown
Tara Reid and boyfriend Dean are having a tough time on Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars

Last week, when we turned off the show, Tara Reid’s “boyfriend” Dean was locked in a jail cell, learning how to spend time alone. The new episode begins with Dean still in the cage, an hour later. Bwhahaha!

Thank you WEtv’s “Marriage Boot Camp” for making me laugh my ass off in the first minute of the show. That was awesome!

“Let’s let him out. Hopefully this lesson wasn’t completely lost of him,” Marriage Boot Camp Director Elizabeth Carroll tells her husband, Director Jim Carroll, when Dean starts whining that he’s been in there long enough.

Meanwhile, Tara is wandering loose in the kitchen when Dean comes back inside. She seems to be on something. She’s cooking. She’s left the fridge doors open. Nobody else is in there.

“What are you doing Tara?” Dean asks.

She says she trying to cook, babbles without making sense, and drops a plate. Apparently she’s making chicken sliders, or something. She was too fucked up to make anything but a mess.

“I have no idea what she’s talking about, she’s not making any sense,” Dean says. Nope. Not at all.

“Tara’s a trainwreck,” Toya says. Yep. She is.

“I can’t wait to be out of this house,” Tara complains. She’s wanted to leave since before she arrived.

“Just fucking stop, Tara,” Dean says. He’s fed up. I don’t blame him. She’s a hot mess, and she’s mean to him.

The next morning, boot camp resumes with an exercise that helps the reality stars figure out what they don’t like about themselves, so they can address it, and let it go.

There’s a black draped person (looked like a damned burka to me) standing between Elizabeth and Jim. Turns out it’s a rubber dummy to beat up on.

Jim tells them the drill will get to the bottom of the things they blame themselves for, and they each get a chance to beat the crap out of their perceived faults and flaws with a rubber baseball bat.

And Tara’s bitching about the exercise before it even starts. Shocker!

“This is an expression of your anger toward yourself,” Jim explains.

Notice they’re using a soft bat now? After broken wooden paddle pieces nailed Jim in the face in the past, I’d say that’s a good call. But both Cody and Memphitz still managed to break the bat.

Michelle is weeping at first, and can’t get started. But then she wails on it! I think this program is having a profound effect on her.

“I’m an unfit husband,” Memphitz says as he breaks his bat. Wow.

And then it’s Tara’s turn.

“Do I have to hit it?” Tara asks. No, Tara. We can just hit you with it instead. That would be far more interesting than watching you bullshit through another counseling exercise.

“I’m not really a violent person,” Tara says. Then she gives it half-hearted whacks that invite criticism from all the other campers.

“I think stuff like that is helping us for real,” Memphitz says. He thinks it’s a way to get the anger out, rather than releasing it on the street.

Locking Dean in the cell seems to have actually gotten his attention. He really participated in the drill, and he’s not covering for Tara anymore with his housemates.

“I’m trying to Marriage Boot Camp:  The hold the reins of craziness edition recap” Dean tells Michelle.

Tara’s dosing her orange juice with tequila, and she gets on the lazy susan on the table and starts swinging on the chandelier. Seriously.

“Tara became a different person cuz she was drinking the alk-ka-chal,” Cody jokes.

“Look at Tara! There’s two very different personalities with this one,” Elizabeth observes, watching from the control room.

Lorenzo picks Dean up and puts him on the table. Tara doesn’t look thrilled, and walks out. Dean’s just doing what she did, dancing on the table. He looks ridiculous – this isn’t the kind of attention you’d usually want – but hey, they’ve been locked in a house together for a week and everybody is going a little nuts. So why not? Tara started it.

Tara tells Brittish that Dean is plotting to be more powerful than her.

“It don’t even make sense,” Brittish says. She knows Tara is cray-cray.

Tara makes a crazy confessional recording – she should seriously stay out of there when she’s drinking.

“I don’t trust him. I don’t know what he’s going to say or do,” Tara says.

Later they show Tara, alone in her room, talking to herself.

“I don’t want to do this anymore. You’re torturing me, please,” Tara says. But there’s nobody in the room with her. WTF?

“I didn’t know he had ulterior motives. That he wanted to come here and be more famous,” Tara whines.

“I can’t follow her logic. Something has obviously set her off,” Jim says.

“Are you there? She asks herself. Just listen.” At first I thought she’d gone around the bend, but it turns out she has a phone – WITH HER MOMMY LISTENING – in her cleavage.

And she’s on a mission.

Tara barges into the control room, and confronts executive producer Adam Freeman from Thinkfactory Media. Making as much sense as she’s made all night. None at all.

“I don’t know 90 percent of what you’re talking about,” the producer tells her.

Meanwhile, Dean’s in the hallway saying that Tara is crazy and he came on the show to protect her.

“You want to know about Dean? It’s bullshit,” Tara rants to Adam Freeman.

“I’m going to look like the ass,” Tara complains. She’s right. She does. But Dean had nothing to do with that.

Dean and Toya are hunting all over the villa looking for Tara, and she’s telling the production company that the guy is a piece of shit.

“No one gives a fuck about Dean May,” Tara yells, more than once.

“Tara’s been in the control room for over half an hour. And she’s not making any sense,” Jim says. But they decide not to intervene. Probably a psychological reason for that, but I’m good with it. I’ll sit and watch the crazy-train go by.

“I look like the bitter bitch now…” Tara says. You have since Day One. And the folks at Thinkfactory Media are probably not your fans anyway. I can’t imagine doing production with this entitled crazy chick. Shades of Anna Nicole Smith???

Tara pulls out her phone and says her mom has been listening to the entire conversation. Which means her mom should know that her daughter is batshit nuts. THAT’S JUST WEIRD!

And she makes Adam Freeman go tell the rest of the campers that she had to leave to take a call and she’ll be back in a minute, and everything is normal. Seriously? Hilarious. #Awkward

Jim and Elizabeth keep watching the meltdown, waiting to see what happens.

“Mom, I’m walking into the room right now,” she’s talking into her cleavage as she goes. I hope her mom had the forethought to put Tara’s shrink on three-way.

The next exercise requires the couples to go outside. Adam’s bitching and Lisa tells him to shut up. She’s not going to miss this one. Tara’s on the verge, and everybody is waiting for her to fall off the cliff.

Again, we’ve spent the whole episode on crazy-ass Tara Reid.

The couples wear the shirts they wrote their faults on during the earlier exercise, so they can apologize and be accepted for who and what they are by their mate. Then they burn their shirts together. Nice symbolism.

Of course, Tara’s bitching that people are talking too long, making it about her as usual. Sadly, every other couple was actually working on their relationship while she was busy being a nuisance.

Dean and Tara start arguing while Lorenzo and Brittish are doing their spiel, and it’s really rude.

When it’s their turn, Tara doesn’t seem to understand how the whole things works. She starts tearing Dean up. And when he says let’s just end it, Tara’s all about that.

“I’m out,” Tara says, for the thousandth time this season.

“Real couples fight through this stuff. She’s running away,” Jim says. The keyword there is REAL. Tara and Dean are not a couple.

All of the couples, except Dean and Tara, had major breakthroughs during the drill. But

Judge Lynn Toler walks in to do evaluations, and has the wrong vibe.

They’re all very contemplative, and Judge Toler comes out yelling and lecturing. For once, she could have given them some positive feedback. Maybe it was supposed to be a pep talk. If so, it kinda sucked.

The episode ends with Tara wandering in a circle, alone in her room, screaming for the microphone. I’m guessing she wants to turn it off. Only about five hours too late to save her from going down in history as the girl who had a complete psychotic break on reality television.

Next week is the famous lie detector and the hall pass. Looks like Adam’s going to get his ass in trouble out at the bars. Hopefully, Tara will have gone to visit the funny farm. She needs the break.

Sandy Malone is a reality TV star, expert wedding planner, and internationally-syndicated columnist for Conde Nast's BRIDES and The Huffington Post, in addition to Monsters... read more
Sandy Malone

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