In what can only be described as a white-trash Cinderella story, Mama June Shannon of Here Comes Honey Boo Boo has returned to reality television for a hillbilly head-to-toe makeover.
After being totally humiliated by Sugar Bear on WEtv’s Marriage Boot Camp (yeah, I blogged that one), the couple split up.
June used the last of her savings from Here Comes Honey Boo Boo and bought a house for her family.
And she’s been earning money by making appearance at strip clubs. Yeah, read that again.
Although their house no longer sits on a railroad track, they haven’t upped their game as far as class or manners go.
The show features Mama June, her daughters, her sister, and her friend Mike.
Mike is like a brother to her, and acts like a handyman around the house. But he has a swastika tattoo on his arm, and some other neo-Nazi body art that makes me really wonder why WEtv is giving him a platform on their network.
Watching Alana – nobody calls her Honey Boo Boo anymore – is a little bit like watching a real-life Bart Simpson.
She’s the WORST example of a rude child much of the time. And you definitely don’t want your children modeling their behavior after her.
June says she stayed with Sugar Bear for so long because of their daughter, but that she couldn’t take it anymore.
And when he tells her he wants to have a talk with her, she thinks he’s going to ask to come back, again.
But actually, he just wants to tell her that he’s engaged, and planning a wedding.
“Probably best I tell y’all. Actually, I’m getting married,” Sugar Bear announces.
June is shocked. Apparently, his girlfriend’s name is Jennifer and they’ve been together for eight months.
Guess he hasn’t exactly been pining for June, after all.
“It isn’t like I want Sugar back or anything. But I’m not ready to see him with anybody else either,” June says.
Not an atypical sentiment from a woman in that position, but that’s not how it works.
“This ain’t a commitment ceremony. This is the real deal,” Sugar Bear tells her, referring to the fact they were never legally married. #Ouch
“What are you doing, reliving our life?” June asks, when she finds out he’s planning to get married in camo pants at home, again.
“Maybe I want a change for the best,” Sugar Bear says. That’s harsh.
And then, he invites June to his wedding. OMG!
“Excuse me? And what, do you want me to give you away while I’m at it?” June snarks. Gotta admit, she handled it better than I would have.
Her niece encourages her to get sexy for revenge, and show up at his wedding with a new man.
Mama June’s lost almost 100 pounds from the stress and exercise she got from their move, but she’s plateaued and she’s frustrated. She’s at 352 and the number isn’t budging.
She’s tries her own revenge diet for a week, but it doesn’t give her results.
Meanwhile, she has a meeting with her manager Gina Rodriguez and tells her she’s serious about dieting.
“Every time you say you’re going to lose weight, you gain 20 pounds,” Gina says.
“Are you going to be bookable now?” Gina asks. “Your whole brand is BIG Mama June.”
June points out that the only thing she’s been doing lately is making strip club appearances most recently. Ugh. I just can’t.
Gina comes up with the idea to pitch a show about the amazing transformation June is making.
Feeling good about herself and her new plan to lose weight, she checks out dating apps, and makes plans with a guy named Jeff who is a manager at an auto parts store.
“He could be a serial killer,” her sister Doe Doe warns.
“Okay, but I’ll find out when I get there,” June says. Good attitude for somebody who’s looking for love on an app.
Her daughter Pumpkin says Sugar Bear would be most jealous if June dated a man with teeth. #TrueLife
She meets up with Jeff at a buffet restaurant, and she’s more worried about not getting to eat the food than her date.
Within the first few minutes of their date, June lifts up her shirt and appears to be scratching her gut as she announces “my side-titty is sagging.” #NoSheDidNot
They finish eating, and he excuses himself to go to the bathroom… and ditches her.
Production chases him. He tells them it’s not going to work.
She reverts to instinct, hits the buffet and stuffs her face.
“Better,” she says. Then she goes home and busts out the ice cream.
Her manager shows up and freaks out on June for all the junk food in the house. She can’t pitch a show about a transformation if June isn’t losing weight.
June isn’t sure she wants to do the “Skinny June” thing anymore.
“This was your whole idea, and now you’re lying about it,” Gina accuses her.
Every line out of her manager’s mouth is so stiff and forced, it’s painful to watch.
Really, we could have done without this. We know her manager booked her this show. C’mon.
Gina needs to stick to managing, and avoid acting at all costs. She’s awful.
So, predictably, June flies to Los Angeles and goes to see weight loss specialist Dr. Michael Feiz, because there aren’t any weight loss experts on the East Coast, of course.
“I can get the surgery, and don’t have to work out that much,” June says.
Sounds good, but it’s not THAT easy.
Dr. Feiz tells her there needs to be a change in her household in order for it to work, and that after surgery, she’ll start out on a liquid diet, and won’t be eating real food for months.
“I want you to understand something. You’ll never be able to eat a large portion again,” Dr. Feiz says. Has he seen Honey Boo Boo?
She’s chosen the gastric sleeve method where they remove half of her stomach and put a sleeve over what’s left. If she overeats, she can tear herself open.
Is this really the right surgery for this lady? Not questioning the weight loss surgery, just the selected method.
The whole show had me cringing, to be perfectly honest. It for sure sends the wrong message about the right candidates for weight loss surgery.
Pretty sure they don’t usually advocate weight loss surgery for getting even with your ex. I mean that can be a great benefit, but it’s not supposed to be the primary motivating factor.
Considering they’re using the surgeons from Botched to put June back together again after she loses the weight, I’ve no doubt that she’s going to look fantastic.
But I’m sad for her, too.
It wasn’t the weight that chased her date away, it was her family and her manners. Not many men get interested in a woman who puts all her dirty laundry on the table in the first 15 minutes of the first date.
If he was horrified by all her children and grandchildren, imagine the reaction of a man who actually meets – and gets burped or farted on – by Alana.
No, June’s weight is definitely not the only reason she’s single.
You know how they say you can put lipstick on a pig, but it’s still a pig?
I think that’s exactly what’s going on here.
Most Jaw Dropping Moment
Watching Alana pack her own lunch for school, including an entire box of Hostess cupcakes, a jar of Nutella, a big bag of cheese puffs, and a pint of ice cream.
She has no concerns about her weight.
“I’m not working out. I’m not doing pageants anymore,” Alana says.
Things We’re Left Wondering
What’s with the horrible fat prosthetics? Obviously, they should have filmed that stuff before she lost the weight. It’s obvious, and Twitter was bashing them terribly for it.
How long was this in production? Most people don’t go through the surgery, lose at least 200 pounds, and get all the plastic surgery done afterwards, in a year. I hope they show us a real timeline.
Aren’t there all sorts of psychologic tests, and adherence to a certain diet that most doctors require before doing gastric surgery?
Did June’s horrible date ditch her with the check?
Is that June’s dining room that’s lined entirely with shelves of laundry detergent? She should be on an extreme couponing show.
Mama June: From Not to Hot airs on Fridays at 10/9 c on WE tv.