Welcome to the Season 8, episode 5 recap of HBO’s Game of Thrones. This is the episode with the battle to end all battles. And, oh my, what a battle!
Danerys puts her ducks in a line
Before Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) can get started on burning Cersei Lannister (Lena Headey) out of her hidey-hole, she needs to deal with all the treason going on about her.
First, she chats to Tyrion (Peter Dinklage) about it and I’m not sure why but he manages to bluff his way out of being killed by the queen.
Maybe Dany let him, because, let’s face it, if she kills her Hand and the advisor, that only leaves Jon Snow (Kit Harington) and Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) and that doesn’t look good as far as the public is concerned.
Varys (Conleth Hill) is not so lucky. He is absconded during his letter writing session, of which I am surprised. Surely people have learned now that by writing letters about true kings in Westeros will only amount to your own death?
And this death breaks my heart because of all the people who are fighting to rule, Varys is not. Yet, he is the only person that honestly gives a sh*t about the people who will be ruled.
— safi (@Dpreetybarbie) May 13, 2019
While Tyrion is spared, she still makes him publicly admit that he was the one that dobbed on Varys and I hate Dany for that.
Tyrion steps up though, maybe because he realizes that Varys is the only good man in Westeros and now he has to step into his shoes. Or, maybe it’s because he is a Lannister and that’s what Lannisters do.
Either way, you suck Dany.
Jaime tries his very best
Now that Daenerys has everything sorted treason-wise, it’s time to attack King’s Landing in Episode 5 of Game of Thrones Season 8.
While everyone is setting up, Dany is telling them all to attack immediately. Thankfully, Jon Snow (Kit Harington) has learned about patience and no longer knows nothing so tells everyone they attack in the morning and not a moment sooner.
Tyrion, who has been warned by the queen that he is on his final warning decides that his job sucks and decides to visit his brother, Jaime (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau), who got caught by Daenerys even before he could do any good.
Yeah, I know he broke Brienne’s (Gwendoline Christie) heart in last week’s episode of Game of Thrones, but I still hold faith that he will do the right thing and throttle his sister just like the Valonqar prophecy hints at in the books.
The brothers have a conversation about how Jaime sucks for getting caught so easily and then Tyrion admits he will release his brother because he has as much faith as I do that Jaime will do the right thing and fix this mess up.
Battle lines are set
Everyone is making their way into King’s Landing and, more importantly, the Red Keep — because, as Cersei keeps pointing out, it has never fallen in battle before.
— Fausty (@Thisisnottebb) May 13, 2019
So, everyone is being jammed in like sweet little sardines ready to be roasted.
In this mix is Jaime, the Hound (Rory McCann), and Arya (Maisie Williams). Because viewers don’t have high enough stress levels already going into Episode 5 of Game of Thrones Season 8.
Arya and the Hound manage to make it into the Red Keep but Jaime lucks out and has to find an alternative way inside.
Daenerys has made some pretty stupid decisions in Season 8 of Game of Thrones. Now, after losing another dragon, she has decided to think before she acts.
This turns out to be in her favor and she takes out Euron’s (Pilou Asbæk) fleet before turning towards King’s Landing, the other place with dragon-killing crossbows.
The rest of Dany’s army are waiting nervously outside King’s Landing when Drogon blows open the gates and lets everyone inside.
The battle begins in earnest now and Jon heads inside King’s Landing to help defend his queen. Who he loves, but not in that way anymore.
Meanwhile, Cersei is watching sh*t get real from atop the Red Keep and even Qyburn (Anton Lesser) seems concerned at the queen’s sanity. Regardless, she continues to wait by her side.
Below, Jon has made his way to the gates of the Red Keep. The Lannister army is waiting outside. However, as soon as Drogon turns up they drop their swords because, let’s face it, who wouldn’t?
The bell tolls
The bell is rung and surrender is announced.
Except Danerys is not done yet and refuses to give a single sh*t for surrender.
Instead, she starts burning down the city and Jon is looking on nervously and probably wondering if he should have f*cked the queen before they headed out this morning rather than leaving her toey and ready for an argument.
When Tyrion set Jaime free to ring the bell and avoid bloodshed but Dany still set everything on fire
— Alphina (@maleedus) May 13, 2019
Everything goes to the crapper after this and Drogon continues to burn sh*t down. Not only is dragonfire at play here but wildfire is seen in small quantities — a leftover from Dany’s father’s mad reign and all of his stashes.
Which gets me scared — really scared — because isn’t there supposed to be a big stash under the Red Keep?
Arya and the Hound
Arya had Cersei on her kill list for quite some time now. And, if there is one thing that can be said for Arya, it is that she is tenacious.
That is until the Hound has a single, short conversation about how he doesn’t want her to end up bitter like him and Arya is all “‘K,” and decides to head home.
Except, it’s too late for that because Drogon is still burning everything and the city is in serious threat of collapse.
Meanwhile, the Hound, who really has no other point now than to kill his brother, is on a mission.
Cersei, has finally admitted defeat at this point and is hurriedly trying to escape, meets with the Hound on a flight of stairs.
Thinking she can control the situation, she tells the Mountain (Hafþór Júlíus Björnsson) to hang back. Of course, he doesn’t, so Qyburn pressed the matter and gets killed for his bother.
Of which I give zero f*cks about. Because Qyburn.
Cersei can see she will have to finally fend for herself and hurries on down those stairs like she is trying to avoid a spider from Australia.
— Jemele Hill (@jemelehill) May 13, 2019
This means only one thing: Cleganebowl
After years of speculation, viewers get to see the brothers battle to the death.
However, the Hound quickly discovers that there is no “to the death” for the Mountain and he is pretty much indestructible. That is until the Hound kamikaze’s off the stairs and they plummet far below to their deaths.
— Francis Robertson (@Gram_NegativE12) May 13, 2019
Meanwhile, while Arya has decided to vacate the premises, Drogon is making it pretty hard for her and she struggles to escape.
However, escape she finally does thanks to a perfectly placed white horse and the survival of no one else. Because HBO obviously thinks that viewers can’t work anything out themselves without overly obvious imagery.
— Karen Maria Alston (@advertisingdiva) May 13, 2019
Boy, I can’t wait to see what she has to say to Sansa (Sophie Turner) about this in next week’s episode of Game of Thrones!
Jaime and Cersei
Jaime spends a really long time running around King’s Landing until he sneaks into the Red Keep. Except, Euron is there and they have to fight until the death before Jaime can pass.
Thanks to that battle, Jaime can now add another Kingslayer title to his belt. Euron is most impressed as he lays dying, though. After all, he thinks he has mortally wounded Jaime.
— A⁷. (@Nallawwx) May 13, 2019
Except, Jaime manages to find Cersei and they wander around King’s Landing looking for a way out so Euron must not have poked him too hard with his dagger.
In the end, though, there is no way out for Cersei and Jaime and I am p*ssed that Jaime didn’t kill her before they were crushed to death. But, at least it was a fitting way to end Mother’s day.
Also, thanks to that leak on Reddit that was quickly deleted, it looks like everything came true, according to Pedestrian TV. Which means everyone will likely spend the next seven days hanging out on Reddit and looking for spoilers for the final episode ever of Game of Thrones.
T*ts and Dragons Meter
0 out of 5 for t*ts. It’s the most important battle ever — of course there’s no t*ts!
5 out of 5 for dragons. Considering there is only one dragon left, Daenerys has finally decided to think about strategy in Episode 5 and managed to single-handedly take out all of the crossbows as well as, well, everything. It doesn’t get any more dragon-y than this!
Game of Thrones returns with the Season 8 finale on Sunday, May 12 at 9/8c on HBO.