Welcome to the Season 8, episode 2 recap of HBO’s Game of Thrones — now with the bonus of the T*ts and Dragons Meter for those that only watch for these two notable features.
As has been predicted, episode 3 of Game of Thrones will be the much-hyped battle at Winterfell. This means that this episode is pretty much a filler episode as Jon Snow (Kit Harrington) sh*ts himself every time someone knocks at the gates of Winterfell and tries to work up the courage to tell Daenerys (Emilia Clarke) that he is also a Targaryen.
Does Daenerys call “Dracarys!” on his a*s or will he chicken out and not tell her? Well, you’d better read on…
Episode 2 of Game of Thrones Season 8 opens with Jaime Lannister (Nikolaj Coster-Waldau) defending all the sh*tty things he has done in the past and Daenerys tells him about all the ways she’d like to see him burn.
It pretty much looks like a dragon will be called in until Brienne of Tarth (Gwendoline Christie) steps in and calls the honor card. And, because Sansa (Sophie Turner) knows that Brienne is good for her word, she also backs Jaime. Which means Daenerys has no choice but to allow him to live.
While everyone is really watching this episode to find out how Jon will tell Daenerys he is the legitimate heir to the Iron Throne, HBO responds by making this episode hilarious — and not giving the audience what they want right away.
But, at least Tormund (Kristofer Hivju) turns up at Winterfell and we get to watch him not even notice Brienne fawning over Jaime because he is too busy trying to woo her himself. Some of his methods are less than desirable because we now know way too much about how Tormund suckled at a giant’s breast for an awkwardly long amount of time and not nearly enough about whether this turned Brienne on or not.
Arise Brienne of Tarth, Knight of the Seven Kingdoms. #GoT pic.twitter.com/GihwI8Trij
— ?Estrella☔️ (@FatalEstrella) April 22, 2019
In the battle for Brienne’s heart, while Tormund may have a crazy story to tell her, Jaime swoops in and makes Brienne a legit knight. I think Tormund’s heart was just defeated. Although, as Vanity Fair points out, Jaime and Brienne’s relationship really is something special. But, seriously, I just want giant babies…
Arya (Maisie Williams) gets to sit down and have a hilarious chat with the Hound (Rory McCann) as well as rib Gendry (Joe Dempsie) about his sex life — right up to the point when they actually have sex.
And, even though this is HBO, Arya’s butt was something I would never have guessed we’d get to see in Game of Thrones. Although, as The Independent points out, Arya is reportedly 18 in the TV series, whereas the actor who plays her, Maisie Williams, is 22.
Arya Stark foreplay #GameOfThrones pic.twitter.com/6oI3CJy6cX
— The Podcass (@thepodcass) April 22, 2019
Missandei (Natalie Emmanuel) and Grey Worm (Jacob Anderson) have a conversation about all the fun things they will do after the war is won. If you ask me, they just signed their own death papers and they will be the first casualties of the Night King (Vladimir Furdik) in episode 3 of Game of Thrones Season 8.
Everyone at Winterfell is sorting themselves into whether they will be fighters or hide in the crypt — which, by the way, they keep calling super secure, so I am totally calling that this will be the first place that wights turn up in the form of dead Starks.
Bran also gives some pretty solid tactical advice about how to defeat the Night King after Jon points out they need to attack the leader in order to make his army fall. Bran is going to tease the Night King out to the Weirwood.
Theon offers to be there to defend Bran and my prediction is that Theon and Bran will be the next to die in episode 3 of Game of Thrones Season 8.
Ser Jorah (Iain Glen) also defends Daenerys’ choice for making Tyrion her hand. And, as he admitted defeat when every man ever stepped in and scored with Daenerys, the woman he loves the most, so too does he bow to Tyrion. This poor guy had better cop a break at some point, because being him totally sucks right now.
But then, Samwell Tarly (John Bradley) turns up and gives Jorah the Tarly sword because that’s another thing Jorah has missed out on, claiming his own family sword. I guess that’s some sort of happiness.
Theon Greyjoy (Alfie Allen) turns up and swears his allegiance to House Stark and I am totally not crying as Sansa hugs him. Seriously, I’m not crying, you’re crying. However, Daenerys is starting to work out just how much everyone loves Sansa and that’s got to be a bit uncomfortable for her.
Sansa hugs theon
— Iammessian (@iammessian) April 22, 2019
Daenerys is also starting to work out that Jon has been avoiding her but is constantly distracted by other things. She also gets to sit down and have a chat with Sansa about how they could be besties thanks to all the girl power they have.
It’s all going well, I mean they even get in a rib about Jon’s height, but then Sansa starts talking about ownership of the North and that friendship is right back where it started, as in, it is non-existent.
As episode 2 rushes towards the final moments, it is time for Jon and Daenerys’ awkward conversation. Daenerys finds Jon down in the crypt.
He is standing in front of Lyanna’s statue and Daenerys talks about how everyone said her brother, Rhaegar, was a nice guy. Except for that one little thing about raping Lyanna.
Jon puts on his big girl panties and breaks out his story about how Rhaegar and Lyanna actually married and how he is the one true heir and Daenerys’ face is everything I expected it to be when she hears the news.
Jon Snow : I'm Aegon Targaryen
Daenerys has left the chat#GameofThrones
— Rémi (@R_Dbk__) April 22, 2019
There is not one single f*ck given about how she has been having sex with her nephew and all the f*cks given about how she is no longer the main contender for the Iron Throne.
Daenerys immediately goes into damage control and points out that Jon’s brother and best friend are the people who have “proved” these claims. And, she has a point, besides the written evidence of Rhaegar and Lyanna’s marriage, there is nothing that suggests Lyanna had Rhaegar’s child.
However, there is little time to discuss this further as the horn sounds and the dead are already there.
T*ts and Dragons Meter
As Ian McShane once famously said about Game of Thrones, the series is essentially a show about t*ts and dragons. So, how many appearances of either were seen in episode 2?
2 out of 5 for t*ts. While there was very little skin shown in Episode 2 of Game of Thrones Season 8, that skin belonged to Arya Stark, which probably shocked a lot of fans.
0 out of 5 for dragons. There was some talk of dragons but not a single visual. However, that was probably because Ghost got to make his first appearance since Season 6 and it looks like HBO will only give fans one mythical beast at a time.
Game of Thrones Season 8 returns with Episode 3 on Sunday, April 28 at 9/8c on HBO.