You can just tell that WEtv and Thinkfactory Media are trying hard not to make Season 3 of “Marriage Boot Camp: Reality Stars” nothing more than the Kendra and Hank show, but it’s hard.
Everybody is tired of boot camp because, God forbid, they’re on Day Four.
“It’s day four, but I feel like it’s day 54… if things get any tougher with these drills, I’ll be ready to go home. I’m not lying to you,” Reggie complains. Cuz Tami yells at you any less at home? I’d stay where there are witnesses.
“I am never ready to get up in the mornings,” Tami says. I’ve gotta say this is the first thing I’ve had in common with her.
Travis and Aubrey start their day shoveling shit in the horse stables as punishment for talking about the off-limits topic the prior day. Well, actually, Aubrey stands and bitches while Travis does that dirty work.
“We’re supposed to put this in Kendra’s room, I think,” Travis jokes
“They’ve got enough shit to deal with,” Aubrey snarks.
I could have gone my whole life without seeing The Sitch wearing a spa face mask. How does Lauren keep a straight face? Production, please don’t make us look at that again. He looked like a clown.
The FUNNIEST EVER outside drill was first on the docket for the day. Please make the boot campers do something Survivor-esque like this every season because I need the serious laugh.
Okay, so it was a canoe race. The partner in back had a paddle but was blindfolded. The partner in front had to do the navigation – so they had to communicate well. Funny as shit!
Some campers are psyched about it.
“We are so athletic and we’re highly competitive,” Kendra says. And Hank’s on board with kicking ass. They go into it as a team.
Other campers aren’t so pleased.
“Hell has frozen over,” Tami doesn’t plan to get on or in the water. She pulls the whole “black women don’t swim” thing and starts pitching a fit before it even starts.
“You are horrible with directions,” Lauren says to Mike. “I have some issues with water… I think I’m going to drown.” Anybody else notice that Lauren seems to have “issues” with everything all the damned time?
“In a successful relationship, both partners have an equal voice. By blindfolding the more dominant person in the relationship, the less vocal partner is forced to speak up. The real question is whether they can communicate effectively as a team,” Boot Camp Director Elizabeth Carroll tells them.
Tami is praying as they blindfold her, and Reggie starts fucking with her immediately. They NEVER ACTUALLY LEAVE THE DOCK. It’s that bad. She can’t paddle. He’s not giving her instructions and they accomplish nothing before she quits, gets out of the canoe and stomps off.
“Fuck it. I am fucking done,” Tami throws down her paddle.
“You don’t just get to quit because it gets hard,” Elizabeth says.
From the beginning, Aubrey and Travis are in the lead, almost neck and neck with Kendra and Hank.
“I’m not Christopher Columbus…” Aubrey says when she finds out she’s in charge of directions. Travis says she has “poopy navigation skills” just like Columbus.
Jeff and Jordan and Mike and Lauren spend their canoe trips literally going in circles and screaming and swearing at each other. I heard more than one “shut up” yelled.
“Looks like stress is finally getting to the normally calm Jeff and Jordan,” says Director Jim Carroll, sounding like a sports commentator from the sidelines.
Aubrey keeps reaching into the water to cheat, but she and Travis finish the race first.
“Aubrey put the fear of God in my heart when she was screaming out those directions,” Travis got scared into winning.
Kendra and Hank weren’t far behind.
“I gotta blindfold you more cuz you listen to me when you’re blindfolded,” Hank tells Kendra, laughing.
Hilarious to watch two couples celebrating while two others are just screaming at each other in their canoes. I seriously don’t think Jordan knows her left from her right.
When all is said and done, Aubrey and Travis find out they didn’t actually win because of the way they treated each other and behaved during the drill.
“This drill was not about speed. It was about communication,” Elizabeth explains.
“We were cheated,” Aubrey complains.
“Everybody’s mad at us right now,” Kendra giggles to Hank.
Aubrey and Travis bitch to Tami about losing to Kendra and Hank. I loved Tami’s response: “Rise Up!”
Kendra and Hank pop champagne and “make it rain” after they win the canoe challenge. But Jim and Elizabeth are plotting to try to get them to talk about Hank’s affair.
In the afternoon exercise, the couples have to face off and imitate each other as they fight. It was pretty damned boring except when Elizabeth Carroll did her impression of Kendra lighting into Hank.
She’s screaming all the things Kendra usually yells at Hank, and it’s right on target.
“Bravo,” Tami and Reggie give Elizabeth an Academy Award when it’s done.
“You need to speak the truth,” Kendra tells Hank. This just seems to be going in circles and they only have a few days left to deal with it before they’re going to be back in the real world and facing the public.
Mike and Lauren were sorta interesting in the exercise. Lauren portrays him as a paranoid freak and says he takes out all his stress on her.
“If you guys start calling each other crazy, you’re screwed!” Elizabeth warns them. “You can’t talk him out of his feelings.”
“We can’t even agree on the sex,” Mike jokes.
Aubrey and Travis both think they’re right. Listening to them imitate each other isn’t that different from listening to a normal fight between them.
They’re asked if they’d rather be right or happy.
“I’d rather be right. Hitler was happy, but he wasn’t right,” Aubrey says. WTF? Good luck, Travis. She’s cray-cray.
Aubrey steps in to do her imitation of Jeff because Jordan is too big a wuss and that is pretty hilarious and on target, but at the end of the day, it’s just another pathetic example of how Jeff and Jordan don’t have much of a relationship to speak of anyway.
Next week, “The Hank and Kendra Show” continues as the network teasers show that Hank MAY finally reveal to Kendra whether he cheated on her with the transsexual model. Then again, he may not. At this point, I thinks she’s the only one left who is unclear about what happened. But I’ll be watching.
Sandy Malone is the star of TLC’s reality show “Wedding Island” and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post and Monsters and Critics. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!