I was entranced by parts of the Real Housewives of New York tonight, but the promise of Sonja performing a live burlesque was enough to guarantee I won’t “Watch What Happens Next” on a bet.
Would she give it up already? Is she trying to find herself? She’s a wanna-be party planner, wanna-be toaster oven creator, wanna-be burlesque dancer, wanna-be personal shopper, and a successful Cougar. Twenty-three years old, Sonja? C’mon, get over the mid-life crisis already. You’re setting a bad example for your interns.
Let’s just start right there because the intern thing is really stuck in my craw. I have a very successful paid internship program at my company and the interns leave with a genuine skill-set and good references. What the hell are Sonja’s interns doing? Are they paid a regular wage as compensation for not learning anything and being her personal slaves? What possible academic credit could they possibly be obtaining?
Did you watch the chaos that ensued for Sonja’s little tea party? For God’s sake, you had like six guests total, maybe. And you have multiple interns in the house. But nobody could answer the fucking door for Ramona or Kristen? And then she starts screaming at them through what appears to be an intercom loudspeaker. OMG. Meanwhile, the intern in the limelight at the moment doesn’t know how to open a champagne bottle. And there are no plates on the lunch table. How’s that party planning career coming along Sonja? Don’t quit your day job. Oh wait, you don’t have one. But let’s back up to the beginning.
Watching Heather at Carol’s photo shoot was fun (she really likes to get in the way), but we saw all of that in last week’s teaser and I think production could have come up with something more interesting for us tonight. Remember Heather’s reaction to Aviva’s Caller ID on the phone? Right? Okay, so why did she invite Aviva to birthday party that night if she so dislikes her.
That’s where the Real Housewives shows are all going wrong now – now we can tell when they’re only together for the show (gotta hide that better). Like with Lisa Vanderpump on RHOBH. Bet she hasn’t voluntarily canoodled with any of her co-stars since the beginning of last season.
I don’t understand what’s up with Aviva. Did she really have a come-to-Jesus moment or is she apologizing to all of these women for the wrong reasons? The fake leg and mental disorders are only cute to the Housewives and production for so long. Maybe she’s trying to play nice with everybody lest she find herself with nothing to do all day again. That would suck.
How freaking bizarre was Aviva’s request that Carol help her edit the “memoir” she’s writing? First, she put Carol on the spot in public. And second, Carol’s been “distancing” herself from Aviva ever since Aviva ruined her book party with her temper tantrum last season. Aviva must have ginormous balls to even ask for any kind of literary help after that whole routine. Of Aviva’s request to “pick your brain,” Carol’s observation was this – “So typical of her to launch into how can you help me?” Aviva needed to start with an apology.
She started out okay with Kristen, though. “You’re intimidatingly beautiful.” Wow, who doesn’t like a compliment? I’m still reeling over Kristen’s opening line about being stupid but “pretty.” Tonight we learn that it was taken from an interview where she said she and her husband joke about her lack of smarts, but seriously, they did tell you the cameras were on, right honey? When the little red light is on and everybody is quiet, and you’re sitting in front of a green screen, and there’s a boom mic hovering somewhere over your head, they’re taping what you say and they might use it on the TV show. Be more careful. Oops too late. Maybe she isn’t that bright after all.
Can’t tell what’s up with her marriage, although now we know Kristen appeared on the show this season. Heather used to work with Kristen’s husband Josh at Bad Boy Records. Remember, Heather is down with P. Diddy. That’s why she’s always hollerin’.
Obviously, Bravo found Kristen through Heather, and then we’re going to see that they turn on each other on a future trip this season when Kristen says Heather is too bossy. Love those sneak peeks, Bravo. But please don’t give too much away!
It appears that Kristen is meeting everyone else for the first time at Heather’s birthday party – so I’m going to digress again and ask why the hell she went lingerie shopping with Sonja so fast? Why are all the Housewives always underwear shopping together? On camera?
I swear to God, they’ve done it in every city so far, and more than once in a few places. Remember the trip to outfit RHOBH Carlton’s new BDSM room trousseau? My friends and I don’t do that sort of shopping together. Maybe we’re weird. We might show each other something special we bought out of the shopping bag, but we don’t model bras, panties and less for each other while discussing our married sex lives in a public boutique. Maybe we’re just boring. Or maybe, just maybe, we’re the normal ones.
But back to the party. The dramatic moment came when, finally, Aviva approached Ramona under the watchful eye of the camera and every person in the room. She was a moron in her approach. For a minute, I wondered if this was how she’s going to lose her leg at a party, but I was wrong.
“I just wanted to tell you that I truly and sincerely miss you,” Aviva says to Ramona, without a trace of sincerity. Then she asks Ramona for a hug and Ramona says no. Bahahaha! Telling Ramona you value her wisdom because she’s OLDER than you is not the way to get the key to her city. In interview afterward, Ramona scoffs about the hug. “Lucky I’m not stabbing you with a knife” was how she felt about physical contact with the other woman.
Ramona tells Aviva that the last time they saw each other, she accepted her apology but says the question is “Can I accept you as a person because I kinda found you to be insincere, but more importantly or worse, vicious and mean spirited. How can I accept someone like that into my life?” Ouch! Go Ramona. And btw, I NEVER cheer for Ramona. She grates on me.
“I think we can celebrate our differences,” Aviva tells Ramona. Ramona’s wondering aloud if Aviva has developed a hearing problem. “It’s not the apology, it’s you as a person… Who is the real Aviva?” And now it’s really a RHONY party because Ramona is screaming at somebody in the middle of it.
Aviva can’t leave well enough alone though and calls Ramona (rudely interrupting her shoe closet consultation – move over Imelda Marcos – I could learn to like Ramona if she wears a 7 ½ and likes to share) to invite her for cocktails. Everybody knows Aviva doesn’t really drink so when she goes all tequila shots on Ramona, she’s setting herself up for disaster. Ramona, the qualified lush of the crew, is thrilled Aviva wants to drink with her and strongly encourages it.
It was a bonding moment for the older alcoholic… maybe she is seeing a younger version of herself when Aviva hoists a shot glass. End of story, the girls make up over drinks. Anybody wanna bet alcohol is involved the next time they decide to shred each other? I wonder what would happen if nobody on the cast was allowed to drink while filming together for an entire week. It would be UGLY. They need their Pinot goggles.
The only other interesting highlight of Heather’s birthday party was Sonja’s date. Ben was the best entertainment at the party. All 23 years of him. She better watch how much younger she goes or her dates won’t be allowed into the venues after 9 pm. But it’s hilarious because Sonja gets jealous when she sees her boy-toy talking to Kristen, the new girl. And then the next thing you know Sonja is taking Kristen lingerie shopping and trying to give her marital advice. For real? Saw right through that one.
Why is Kristen so insecure about her husband being a few minutes late? Annoyed would be one thing, but she was genuinely uncomfortable being alone in the restaurant. She’s incredibly gorgeous and I loved her for that minute because I thought only us normal, less-than-perfect-women sometimes felt like that. She’s a bigger emotional mess than most women I know. But shiny things make her happy. In fact, she hands out blow jobs in exchange. At least that’s what little Miss Sunshine told us tonight when her hubby gave her diamond earrings.
Did that seem fake/staged to anybody else? Clearly, from her reaction, Josh doesn’t usually buy surprise gifts for no reason. Did a producer suggest that? The price tag was left on them??? Something was fishy there. I don’t think it was product placement but it wasn’t just a brilliant idea Josh had either. My Spidey senses are up.
Okay, let’s wrap up with my favorite New York party planner. Did you guys watch that tea? Was there anything her dog didn’t lick out of before the guests got to it? Ew. For real. Would you hire THAT to plan your party? I wouldn’t even invite it. And what was with the guest list… are we trying to ingratiate ourselves with Kristen and get her on #TeamRamonaandSonja? You’re not doing a great job. She thinks you’re both “catty.”
Who was the weird spiritual guru under the ugly hat across from Sonja? First she gives out a mantra to use to Zen out Aviva (can you really do that?) and then she keeps offering these little tidbits of wisdom that leave the other women speechless… and confused.
“Is not our character revealed when the chips are down?” Deep thought. Too deep for the RHONY. “You can related to her soul, don’t relate to her personality. Relate to her soul.” Bahahaha! Does this woman realize who she’s talking to? Their eyes have glazed over.
Sonja and Ramona get into a nasty fight about Aviva in the middle of the tea party because Sonja says she’s giving her a second chance. Talks about Aviva’s upbringing and how her father is the root of all evil. Which makes me wonder why the guy is always a guest on the show, going places with his daughter. And maybe it explains all the weird sexual references Aviva made in her chit chat with Ramona at cocktail night. Even Ramona looked uncomfortable and I spent half of last season waiting for her to have sex with Sonja on camera.
Aviva is going to be a problem for these bffs, and previews show that she’s losing her temper and her limbs. Again, stop teasing that Bravo – that’s mean. What the fuck happened? Anybody else wanna bet we have to wait until the season finale to find out? The teaser for the screamfest at LuAnn’s weekend just reminds us all why the Countess isn’t doing the show full time this season. She didn’t want to lose what’s left of her mind.
Sandy Malone is the star of TLC’s reality show “Wedding Island” and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!