More personal waxing on “Real Housewives of New York?” For real. Please? The entire Real Housewives franchise needs to stop the group feminine hygiene. I’m dead serious. Kristen holding Carole’s hand through a Brazilian – while her legs are up in the air so they can reach all the secret places??? TMI ladies.
C’mon girls. Have you absolutely no dignity left? Are you really willing to let them film ANYTHING to stay on this show? BravoTV’s RHONY never cease to find new ways to shock and horrify me on a weekly basis. But yes, I keep watching.
So the storyline this week is that Kristen planned a vacation for all the girls to a fancy, posh dude ranch out in Montana. What does this tell us? New girl does not know her audience.
“We’re going to herd cattle – like this is amazing!” Kristen is so excited.
Carole tried to warn her that these ladies are high maintenance on a trip, but new girl is clueless as to what she’s done by planning this trip to nowhere. Montana is someplace you want to spend time with people you like because you actually have to talk to each other.
Aviva doesn’t join them on the trip because, as usual, she’s got a NEW medical condition. Asthma. Whether it’s true or not (supposedly she’s also allergic to horses and so am I), she’s a moron for the way she’s handling it.
Let’s face it, we’ve all had friends cancel plans because of health-related issues, but this bitch takes the cake. She’s afraid to fly, she doesn’t like to travel without her husband, and she’s had Legionnaires’ disease too? For real? All this and a fake leg. But it’s all about the way she handles it.
When you tell a friend you can’t join them because you’re sick, you do not have to have your doctor write a note. What’s hilarious is that this is not the first time she’s brought a doctor’s note to the girls to get out of doing something she doesn’t want to do. The doctor’s note is what makes it look fake. Not the being sick.
“You don’t have asthma, but you’re crazy… I can’t go and here’s the note to prove it,” Kristen points out that normal people don’t get doctor’s notes to skip personal vacations with friends.
When Kristen challenges her, in the cowboy shop, about whether she’s really got a “sudden onset” of asthma and allergies, Aviva pulls out a gallon-size Ziploc bag of meds out of her purse and starts throwing them at Kristen. Bahahahaha!
“I’m so tired of being called a liar,” Aviva bitches.
“Because you have a past history of having these sorts of issues… The crazy thing is I still don’t believe you and I don’t know why,” Kristen says to her face. That’s when Aviva started throwing the meds. What is it about Kristen that makes the other Housewives want to throw things at her?
Kristen was hilarious retelling it to her husband at home. “Fine, so call me a bitch. I still don’t believe you.”
“Bitch, you’re at sea level – there’s not an issue right now,” Josh jokes about Aviva saying she can’t breathe. “Then you’re going to see pictures of her up in Aspen in the chairlift. Smoking cigarettes,” referring to Ramona’s escape from the Berkshires to attend a party in the Hampton’s a few episodes ago.
Aviva’s husband is a bad actor. It was so hard watching him try to keep a straight face as she explained her woes to him. Reid is looking at her like she’s fucking bonkers. But, of course, he agrees that if the doctor told her not to go to Montana, she shouldn’t go. Honestly, he’s probably just afraid that he’ll have to go with her like he did to St. Bart’s and we all know how well that didn’t go over last season.
“I just want to make sure that I’m not off-the-wall, ya know?” Aviva tells him. How can Reid even answer that? Has she ever been ON the wall? Apparently, nobody in the entire state of Montana has asthma. Maybe it killed them all off and the state is keeping it a secret to protect tourism.
Sonja has her interns help her pack and as usual, teaches them important life lessons. Such as which trashy underwear, thongs, and boyshort panties should be worn for which occasion. And sometimes, she just “has to go commando.” OMG.
Would you idiots stop giving this woman free labor and find real internships? Being Sonja’s intern isn’t going to help your career – not even in reality television. You just look too stupid to quit. Every one of you. YOU AREN’T LEARNING ANYTHING.
I swear to God, Sonja is a modern day Blanche DuBois (if you don’t know the reference, look up “A Streetcar Named Desire” and learn something – it’s a classic). It’s only a matter of time until the nice people with the sedatives come take her away someplace safe and padded. If ever there was a modern day woman who depends “on the kindness of strangers,” it’s Sonja. Truth – she should have been found naked in a ditch somewhere by now.
Ramona doesn’t want to go to Montana either (only Heather and Kristen are actually psyched) but at least she’s totally honest about it. Isn’t she always? It wouldn’t be normal if she thought before opening her mouth.
“There’s going to be no Ramona Pinot Grigio, no Turtle Time, no dancing… Montana’s going to make the Berkshires look like a major city,” Ramona complains. But don’t worry, she has the solution.
“I just got a prescription of Xanax and Valium,” Ramona brags… Umm, don’t take them together, girl. With your Pinot habit, you might never wake up again. Then again, she’s probably been doing it for years. My bad. Never doubt a pro.
Her first comments upon arrival at the airport in Montana were exactly as expected. Bitching and moaning.
“The last thing I want to see are dead animals stuffed in my face,” she says.
But that wasn’t the hot topic when they landed, the wheelchair waiting on the ramp with Aviva’s name on it was the thing to photograph. So if she had decided to come, she was going to milk it. I’d say she didn’t want to have to walk so far, but she’s demonstrated time and again that her leg doesn’t keep her from doing anything everyone else does. So I agree with the others that this was just a play for sympathy. Groan. Aviva’s not there but she’s still a hot topic of conversation.
The ranch is lovely and the two “cabins” are fantastic (cabin my butt – those are bigger than my house). Ironically, Ramona and Sonja choose to stay in the “Beaver” cabin. If it walks like a duck… Just sayin. Carole is staying with them but mostly for entertainment purposes. She won’t let them suck her into their bullshit – she always manages to stay slightly to the side.
“I’ll take the Princess over the countess this time,” Ramona snarks.
“Being completely isolated in the woods with these woman could be holidays from hell…” Carole jokes. But truly, she’s on target.
While I definitely think Kristen chose the wrong place to bring this crew for an entire week, I was impressed with how they all did at their first attempt driving cattle. The other activities next week should be hilarious.
The hat shopping, however, was a bit much. Sonja and Ramona discussing the size of their heads, their brains and their intellects was like watching “Beavis and Butthead” or “Dumb and Dumber.” I’m embarrassed to be blonde.
“I’m just going to be drinking day and night. Otherwise, I’ll be bored,” Ramona explains. She’s shipped ahead cases of her Ramona wines for both cabins. God forbid anybody be allowed to drink anything else, right? Wouldn’t want to miss another branding opportunity.
She was not happy with the dinner venue that Kristen had specially arranged for them. “I’m eating with smelly animals?” she asks. The dinner is in a VIP-like, glassed-in, box room overlooking the riding ring where they’re getting an almost private rodeo show.
“I smell horseshit and cowshit and it stinks,” Ramona says. “I can’t eat around manure…eeeww no!” I’m sorry, but that’s just too hypocritical coming from a woman who is totally full of shit.
Sonja’s bonkers at the dinner (should have stayed home with Aviva) and tells the poor trapped sommelier about her star signs and her weight. “Do you know why I gained seven pounds in the last two weeks – because we were going into a full moon,” Sonja explains to him. Does she do this to every hired service employee who is forced to wait on her? Just choose your damned wine. He doesn’t care!!!
It isn’t long before things start disintegrating after the subject of Sonja’s gossipy “facialist” comes up and turns into a fight. Luann can’t understand why it wouldn’t bother Sonja that the hired help is openly gossiping about her and her friends like it’s any of her business. And worse, she’s spreading bad, untrue gossip.
Sonja doesn’t care – she just wants attention from every direction. Doesn’t matter if it’s positive or negative, she’s lost the ability to differentiate. It’s almost like she’s egging LuAnn on because she repeats the stories she heard.
“LuAnn the Countess sleeps with whoever she wants, whenever she wants and she likes to dominate thick French guys” Sonja reports. Say what? LuAnn looked like she wanted to join the throw-a-drink club but she’s got better manners than that. I agree with her. It’s not okay to sit and let people gossip and talk trash about your friends.
Did anybody notice that Sonja didn’t say she slept with Russ when Carole reported in that she’d confirmed, directly with the man in question, that Sonja hadn’t been anywhere near him. Last week, she was claiming she slept with him – in front of Kristen. These women have selective memories – but the cameras and the production guys and editors do not. But why didn’t Kristen speak up?
Actually, Kristen fucked up because she tried to tell LuAnn it wasn’t that important and it was funny. Reality check Kristen – you won’t think it’s funny when you hear through the grapevine that Josh is sleeping around or you’re on drugs, or whatever the rumors will be. That part of being a celebrity isn’t fun. You just haven’t been in the game long enough to get it yet.
“I’m sorry you think it was disgusting, but it was really funny,” Kristen’s dumb blonde moment of the night. Really? Did you just say that to LuAnn? You can’t even handle having her mad at you.
Next week it’s more of the dude ranch, and from the teasers, more of the same. Ramona bitching about the accommodations – ice in a mixing bowl? Oh the horrors of it!
Sandy Malone is the star of TLC’s reality show “Wedding Island” and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post and Monsters and Critics. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!