I don’t know where to start. The “Real Housewives of New York” reunion special – Part 1 – was insane. Ramona reveals she thought LuAnn was a Drag Queen when they first met. Aviva has the same asthma doc as Andy Cohen (wonder if he knew that?). And everybody EXCEPT Aviva thinks Sonja is completely delusional.
Oh, and Carole went blonde and Kristen got boobs as an anniversary gift. Nothing unusual there.
When compared to the Edie Beales in Grey Gardens, Sonja was perfectly okay with that. For those who didn’t catch the reference, “Big Edie” and “Little Edie” were two crazy socialites in a decrepit house in the Hamptons who lived in an imaginary world where they still had friends, lives and money.
They were real relatives of Jacqueline Kennedy Onassis, actually. And there was a documentary made about them after it was discovered they were living in a critter infested home (probably pretending they had staff just like Sonja) and about to have their home condemned. Jackie O. stepped in and picked up the renovation tab for her dotty old relatives. Being compared to Edie Beale is not a compliment.
I think Sonja is more Blanche DuBois from “A Streetcar Named Desire” if we’re going to get literary here. Blanche always depended “on the kindness of strangers” and was batshit nuts. So is Sonja. And we found out who’s paying the tab for all her parties tonight.
“It’s all comped,” she told Andy when he questioned her spending judgment. But she’s completely delusional and Kristen called her out on it. Sonja claims she has 45 people on her payroll but she’s working hard to pay them.
“People pay me tens of thousands of dollars for branding advice,” Sonja informs everyone and the other girls lose it.
Then Sonja tells Kristen that her husband works for P. Diddy but P. Diddy comes on her yacht as a guest. And all the girls explode.
“You don’t have a yacht right now, Sonja,” more than one of them tells her. In fact, they’re all yelling it at her.
“Sonja Morgan, you are delusional!” Kristen pops off and jumps up and sings the word “DELUSIONAL” twice like she’s channeling Ramona. “There’s not a person in this room who wouldn’t call you delusional.” But Aviva disagrees. That’s cuz she’s living in the same delusional world with Sonja.
Aviva has all her facts wrong tonight and she’s looking like a bitch and an idiot. I thought she seemed to be on some kind of sedative when Andy first greeted her. She didn’t sound like herself til she started screaming.
Gotta do your homework first, Aviva. She tries to defend Sonja as a branding expert and learns that Josh is, in fact, a branding expert. He used to work for P. Diddy but hasn’t in a long time. #oops
When they’re discussing Sonja taking credit for having banged Carole’s boyfriend when it wasn’t true (that damned “facialist” again), Aviva throws out a total bombshell.
“Carole and Russ had an open relationship,” Aviva announces like she has the slightest clue.
“No we didn’t,” Carole argues. “Will you shut up? You’re ridiculous,” Carole laughs in her face. But it’s clear she’s appalled and I don’t think it was true. And even if it was, it’s unlikely she would have confided that to Aviva. Maybe Aviva got it from “word on the street.”
Aviva’s father is a short but hot topic of conversation – nobody wants to watch that video again BravoTV, for real.
“I never want to be in his presence again,” Ramona says of her horrible interaction with George in Aviva’s kitchen. Aviva agrees it was a necrophilia reference and everyone is grossed out.
LuAnn asks Aviva why she can’t ask her father to stop it.
“He’s vulgar, he’s inappropriate… it’s offensive to my friends – unfortunately, I can’t control it, it’s not me,” Aviva defends herself.
“Having his engagement party at the museum of sex is just needling the issue and supporting the issue,” Heather tells Aviva. I agree. So did a lot of other people. I think in some weird way Aviva is either into what her father is doing OR she’s dying to make sure she stays on the show. Either way, the sex museum engagement party was a bad call. So sayeth the professional party planner (that’s me, not Sonja, btw).
Andy Cohen points out that everybody thinks that the girls were giving TMI regarding sex this season. And then he asks Kristen how the blow job bartering system is working out.
“Do you like my earrings?” Kristen replies. Apparently, it’s working out just fine.
Andy asks Sonja what she was doing with the 23-year old earlier in the season (before Ramona told his mommy and she put the kybosh on it).
“He looks much more mature,” Sonja says.
“He was a good dancer, let’s put it that way,” Sonja says of her sex life with the man whose mommy didn’t approve of her. What mommy would? I wonder if Harry’s mom is alive and what she would think of Lady Morgan.
They talked briefly about Aviva’s whole asthma thing that Carole declared was Munchausen Syndrome last week. It’s just ridiculous. Everybody is pulling out and sucking on inhalers. Ramona can’t figure out how to make Andy’s work (take the cap off, dumbass). Aviva announces that she and Andy Cohen have the same asthma doctor.
Although Andy seemed non-plussed, you’ve gotta wonder which street she’s getting this info on because if it wasn’t from Mr. Cohen directly, there’s a HIPPA problem going on here. That’s nobody’s business. Just cuz Aviva’s freakin nuts and brings doctor’s notes to get out of going places with her friends doesn’t give her permission to force other folks on her crazy train. Bet that doc drops her ass as a patient after seeing this season. He’ll probably send her off with an excellent psych referral.
The topic of the Countess’s unflattering nickname comes up.
“Nobody calls me LuMan except Sonja,” LuAnn says dismissively. So they show a clip of Ramona calling her LuMan when they were moving the canoe in the Berkshires. Ouch!
“If I didn’t love drag queens so much I would be offended,” LuAnn tries to blow it off gracefully.
But Ramona has to stick her foot in her mouth and say that she initially thought LuAnn was a drag queen the first time they met because there were a lot of gays around.
Did she seriously say that? SERIOUSLY? OMG. How rude. Of course, she’s sitting on the “delusional” couch with Sonja and Aviva so nothing that comes out of her mouth is shocking.
“I love my wine. I admit it,” Ramona announced at the beginning of the show. But then there was a hilarious clip of what was supposed to be a break in filming when Ramona throws a little shit fit because she doesn’t have water (code word for Pinot) and they’re supposed to have it. They always have it. Aviva demands wine. She doesn’t have to use code words because she’s not crazy, right?
And all the other girls seem to have drinks and start sucking on them just to piss Ramona off. Hilarious. Andy calls her “sweetie” and tries to calm her down but at this point, he just looks like he want to smack her. She’s closest.
Part 1 wraps up with everybody yelling at Sonja – and none of us feeling sorry for the crazy bitch.
“You’re a liar and you believe your own crap,” LuAnn says to Sonja. Bingo!
Gotta ask – Who is dressing Sonja these days? Her interns? My God, that pink and black thing was HIDEOUS. Don’t worry – I called the fashion police. Joan Rivers is doing the “Watch What Happens Live” tonight on BravoTV at my request.
Next week’s teaser shows Ramona having a total freakout when Andy puts her on the spot with questions about Mario. She tries to throw it back at him and he points out that when you put your sex life on reality television, you get to answer these questions. And she’s ready to make a run for it. Classic Ramona! I’m dying to see it!
Sandy Malone is the star of TLC’s reality show “Wedding Island” and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post and Monsters and Critics. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!