Ramona is back from Africa and she’s already causing trouble on the “Real Housewives of New York.” Shocker? No. Even so, the episode was kinda boring. Let’s be honest.
It opens with a jewelry show that features some jewelry “inspired” by Heather’s son’s medical issues. I’m a little confused – I think she said she was wearing a liver and a heart? As jewelry. Okay, it’s for a pediatric charity so I’ve got nothing unkind to say about it. It’s just unusual is all.
Ramona’s makes her grand return at the party – Africa was so fabulous and peaceful. Blah blah blah and by the way, where is Aviva, she wants to know.
“Aviva’s not welcome.” Heather has to explain to Ramona what went down in her absence. Heather also mentions she has her 10th wedding anniversary party coming up and doesn’t plan to invite Aviva to that either.
“I want to be the peacemaker,” Ramona says. Bahahahahaha! Liar liar, pants on fire!
How does she go about it? By calling Heather and putting her on the spot on speaker phone while she is shopping with Sonja and Aviva at The Container Store. Btw, Heather agrees with me that this is so fishy.
“You’re all of a sudden back in love with her – you didn’t talk to her for a year and now you love her. I‘m confused by you and Sonja – how quickly you’ve just forgotten everything…” Heather says to Ramona. This phone call is a total ambush.
“I’m afraid of you, Heather,” Aviva says when Heather agrees she’ll talk with her.
Heather’s response? “She is crazy.”
Meanwhile, Heather’s husband asks Kristen and Carole to help plan a surprise for their 10th wedding anniversary and he spends what I can only describe as a weird and inappropriate visit eating caviar and drinking with the two women, discussing sex.
Jonathan tells the girls that Heather promised him a three-some on their 10th anniversary and now she’s reneging. They have this conversation in front of a very uncomfortable-looking waiter. My husband was like “that poor guy.” We know how he feels. That happens to us at weddings all the time.
As promised, Heather meets up with Aviva at a wine bar to “talk.” Aviva wants to start by laying down ground rules (she is so bossy) but Heather won’t agree to the no cursing rule. I understand completely. The conversation rapidly deteriorated two seconds after they started talking.
“I just took it up the butt… I felt verbally raped by you.” Aviva said to Heather about their fight. She wanted to vent to Heather and boohoo about how unfairly and meanly she’d been treated. She doesn’t get that she’s asking these people to forgive her bad behavior and every time, she makes it about herself and how they’ve hurt her. Always the victim, Aviva. Tsk tsk tsk.
“You asked me what my issue is, so why don’t you let me tell you?” Heather interrupts her. Aviva shuts up and then Heather lists all the shit Aviva has called people from comparing Sonja to Anna Nicole Smith to calling them all alcoholics. Aviva tries to call the Anna Nicole Smith reference a compliment and Heather slams her to the table on that one.
Beaten, Aviva switches tactics, asking what she has specifically done to Heather. Heather basically tells her that she’s not going to give Aviva a chance to fuck her over like she has all the other girls. She doesn’t like her and doesn’t trust her. Heather is smarter than your average RHONY. Except LuAnn. She quit.
“I’m deeply, deeply hurt,” Aviva whines and keeps moaning to Heather that she doesn’t know what she’s done. Heather, sick of it, tells her to stop being so “fucking dramatic” and Aviva freaks out. Aviva still doesn’t get it.
“You have no respect for people who have gone out and built careers,” Heather explains, very clearly, to Aviva. “If you don’t like me, you don’t have to hang out with me… I was outraged at how you treated Carole.”
“Are you guys lovers or something?” Aviva asks Heather. Seriously? Deduct 50 credibility points and add 15 stupidity points for Aviva.
Heather’s assessment? Aviva is “childish and insanely jealous of my friendship with Carole.” That sounds pretty accurate. Is anybody Aviva’s friend? We all know Sonja and Ramona are totally using her.
Aviva asks Heather to build a bridge for her with Carole, and Heather sort of agrees. Then she tells Aviva about her anniversary party the next night and says she needs to talk to her husband before extending an invitation. I think she should have just been honest then and there and told Aviva she didn’t want her to come, but Heather was probably hoping to get finished and out of there without any more drama.
But moving on to strange coincidences… Kristen and Brandi Glanville (from “Real Housewives of Beverly Hills”) and Carole and Yolanda (RHOBH too) are old bffs??? Small world. The girls “do lunch” when Brandi and Yoyo are in town.
Brandi tells a really embarrassing story about Kristen in Vegas on her bachelorette night – she kissed Elvis and generally made a bride-to-be ass out of herself. But the story definitely didn’t need to be told on camera. Maybe Brandi is hoping to make Kristen appear as trampy as she is. Didn’t work.
Fashion police moment – what was up with that fugly green nail polish on Kristen? She’s freakin perfect and even she shouldn’t wear that on her fingers unless it’s St. Patrick’s Day.
And we learn too much about Kristen’s married sex life. Kristen cuts Josh off on sex all the time. Forced him into a vasectomy after the second child and is quite proud of it. But her bragging doesn’t impress everybody.
“If you don’t put out, somebody else will,” Yoyo warns her. And I’ll spare you the blowjob discussion but let’s just say that it’s not Kristen’s favorite sport either. But she’s pretty!
Ramona and Sonja get together with Aviva for some general trouble causing the day of Heather’s anniversary party.
“I come back to Hell’s Nest!” Ramona complains, hearing about the throw-down at LuAnn’s house. Then Aviva tells them about her meeting with Heather.
“We ended on a good note.” Then she tells them she got a text from Heather saying she isn’t invited to the party because it’s “too soon” (probably true) and Aviva feels very “snubbed.” Ramona is still mad Heather didn’t invite her on a trip last season so she’s on the Aviva bandwagon. Nobody’s getting that this is an important occasion for Heather and Jonathan and they don’t want Aviva’s drama (or anybody else’s) at their party.
Sonja, always the one to lead her crew down the path of crass and tactlessness, has the solution. “This is so petty, what Heather and Carole are doing right now… You know what, I’m not going tonight!”
“Well, if you’re not going, I’m not going,” Ramona joins her. Damn, I bet they were bumming when they saw the episode because that looked like a REALLY fun party. Of course, that’s probably because the three witches weren’t there to ruin it.
Everybody else at Heather’s party certainly understands what’s going on. “Not wanting drama at your own anniversary party, I hope she can understand that,” Heather says. Of course, this is before she finds out that Sonja and Ramona are boycotting her party too.
Kristen and Josh arrive fighting because Josh, as usual, was late. Kristen tells Carole how she tricked Josh into marriage counseling with her own therapist, and that he’d be so mad. Carole points out he’s going to find out now. Note to self: Write RealityTV for Dummies book because apparently I’m not the only one who needed some lessons before filming began.
Poor LuAnn gets a text on her way to the anniversary party that she’s supposed to tell Heather than Sonja and Ramona aren’t coming. Awkward. “They kind of just boycotted it” because Aviva wasn’t invited, LuAnn explains. Heather is irate but not because she misses their company. Because they’re tacky.
“So they RSVP to a party and then they don’t show up. It’s not good in my book because you pay for catering and head counts and there are people that are actually more special and important to me that I would have invited,” Heather is pissed. Since when are those three such buds?
“How long did it take for Ramona to forgive her?” LuAnn points out that Ramona and Sonja hated Aviva last season. Remember when she called them “white trash?” Hmm.
“Our friends are here baby,” Heather says, explaining to Kristen. “Those other girls are just like part of the fringe, really.” Although Heather was the FNG not so long ago, she may be right. The party was a blast and everybody had fun and the only drama of the night was finding out the drama wasn’t coming. As a party planner, I’d declare that a win-win situation.
Next week Sonja and Ramona are going to turn on each other (shocker!) and Sonja calls out Ramona for being a shitty friend. And poor not-too-bright Kristen is going to find herself in deep shit with both Ramona and Aviva. Has anybody warned her they bite? I’ll be watching.
Sandy Malone is the star of TLC’s reality show “Wedding Island” and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post and Monsters and Critics. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!