It’s hard to know where to start in my recap of this week’s “Real Housewives of New York” because there was stupidity and tackiness going down left and right all over the place!
In brief, Ramona’s an ignorant bitch, Sonja’s a slutty drunk, and Aviva’s father George is still a dirty pervert that grosses everybody out and just got engaged to his 25-year-old girlfriend Cody.
One thing we learned this week – Ramona and Sonja are equally fucked up whether they’re hanging together or apart. Ahem, is that double room at the loony bin ready for them yet?
Let’s start with George’s engagement. Say what you like about May-December romances, this one is a far stretch. He’s 80-plus and she’s 25. But Cody owns her own chain of nail salons in Miami, has her shit together, and has been with the old coot for more than two years, so she’s made an educated (if not brilliant) decision to accept George’s proposal.
Aviva and Sonja invite her over to give them manicures and grill her. Nice way to get to know your future step-mom Aviva – “Can I make a nail appointment for me and my bitchy friend?” No really. You have no class.
But Sonja has even less. Most horrific line of the night spoken by Sonja in first two minutes of the show about Cody (who is black) being with them at her house:
“You know what, my neighbors are going to call the cops. Look, our dealer is here. People are just going to assume…” No way. Did you really just say that, Sonja? OMG. Are you worried YOUR dealer will think you’re cheating on him? #racist
Seriously. Time to lock this woman up for her own safety because she’s going to cross paths with the “Real Housewives of Atlanta” at some BravoTV event and they’re going to beat her ass as a cast-bonding activity. I want to watch.
Aviva grilling her father’s fiancé about their sex life is yucky to watch and suddenly Aviva is all mortified that they’re talking about sex. She behaved the same way last week when sex was the dinner conversation, but she’s full of shit.
How do we know that Aviva is leveraging her father’s freakiness to keep herself interesting on the RHONY show? Because she planned and hosted an engagement party for Daddy and his child-bride Cody at The Sex Museum. Not even kidding. It was uncomfortable to watch. I felt like I needed a permission slip.
Possibly the most inappropriate venue for an engagement party ever, even for George. And why were all the guests RHONY cast? Don’t Aviva and Reid have “real” friends who actually know her father? Or do only paid cast members want to attend a party for the guy?
I never want to hear Aviva bitch about pervert Daddy’s behavior again after she planned a party surrounded by dildos and whips and chains. Ugh.
And why did Aviva invite Ramona to the engagement party when the last time George and Ramona interacted, she had him physically removed from the party by security after he pissed her off. Bad blood remains and an engagement party is not the time to reunite them. That said, it happened… and the results were about as good as anticipated.
“George getting engaged is like a total eclipse of the sun. You have to look at it even though you know it will hurt your eyes,” Carole jokes, explaining why she attended.
Kristen gets an obligatory feel-up from George right after meeting him and now she’s an official member of his dirty-old-man victim club.
Sonja specifically tells Ramona, in front of a bunch of the guests, not to mention Cody’s parents’ deaths (her mother recently died of Leukemia) and it’s the second thing out of Ramona’s mouth after she asks if Cody is marrying George for his money. For real? The bride-to-be bursts into tears and heads for the ladies’ room. She has significantly more taste and class than Ramona, despite the fact she’s half her age.
But Carole is grosser than gross. “George, I have to ask you, is she a squirter?”
“She was not when I met her. She is now. Multiple,” George brags. Really? This is appropriate engagement party conversation anywhere? I feel like I should wash my hands after typing this.
“Why would a lady want to marry George?” was the only sane thing that Ramona said in the entire episode. And that was in interview. Maybe she was sober.
A minute after meeting the guest of honor, Ramona starts grilling Cody about why she’s marrying George.
“Alright, I’m happy, I’m happy but I know you have no parents, right?” Bride to be heads for the bathroom in tears with Aviva supporting her.
All hell breaks loose and Ramona announces to Mario that they have to go because she’s committed another “faux pas.” She denies knowing that she wasn’t supposed to bring up the deaths at the party (liar liar – she admits it later in the show because she lies so much she can’t keep them straight anymore) and gets called on it by several folks who were there when she was warned.
George asks what’s going on and Aviva tells him why his fiancé is crying. He starts yelling.
“Where is that bitch?”
Ramona starts booking for the staircase like her ass is on fire but I really do hope that she can hear George’s crass remarks the entire way out the door. This is when he says she’s a bitch and bitches get fucked by dogs… etcetera… I quoted it all last week and can’t stomach it again. Poor Mario. You can’t take that crazy woman anywhere.
“As usual, Ramona fled the scene,” Aviva snarks. But she gets her back later in the week when she invites Ramona over in a total setup to let George have words with her.
Ramona shows up at Aviva’s with a big bouquet of roses as an apology for the mess she caused at the engagement party, but as soon as the women start talking, the tide turns. Ramona’s not sorry and she has a STRONG opinion on this engagement.
“But in all sincerity… she is a vulnerable girl right now,” Ramona says of Cody, and explains she’s been thinking more about her own daughter and doesn’t want Avery to be “prey” to an older man. “I blame him,” Ramona tells Aviva.
“Is this an apology or is this just another excuse for Ramona to pile on my father… actually he might like that,” Aviva jokes in interview.
Then George comes walking into Aviva’s house and tells Ramona she looks terrific. And then sits down to talk to her. Watching Ramona’s face is classic – brace for the inevitable meltdown and break-and-run. We expect it now.
George apologizes for his behavior at her party. Ramona apologizes for making Cody cry and lies about not knowing her parents died (Aviva rolls her eyes because she knows Ramona is lying but wisely keeps her mouth shut – Ramona needs no help digging her own grave to jump into).
Ramona apparently thinks George’s apology opens the door for her opinion on his engagement. Bad call.
“You need to do the unselfish thing and let her go,” Ramona says to George. “If you really love this woman, if you really cared about her, you’d let live her life in the fullest way possible and not be selfish and be with her.” But that’s not enough.
“Avery is 18, she’s leaving and, God forbid, she has some lecherous man like you after her,” Ramona wails. Now Aviva is offended. And George is pissed. Mutual apology bombed.
“You made her feel like a turd… you ruined the party, Ramona. You ruined the party,” George says. “I don’t pick on Avery. I don’t say Avery, why don’t you have a DNA test and determine who your parents are.” George can be meaner than Ramona because he is smarter than Ramona. Never have a battle of wits with an unarmed person. That’s cheating.
“You wanna rob the cradle. Could we just give you a newborn to do?” Ramona challenges him.
“He’s not a pedophile. He’s a pervert, but he’s not a pedophile,” Aviva defends Daddy. Oh well then, I guess it’s totally okay.
“Is there a difference?” Ramona counters.
“There’s a difference,” Aviva snaps. Well, technically speaking, she’s right.
“You’re her great-great grandfather,” Ramona snarks. Then she says if Cody’s parents were alive, they would do anything possible to save her from George. And now it’s on… and becomes a screaming fight.
“This is abuse!” Who are you talking about, Ramona? You or Cody?
And, although it’s hard to believe it’s possible, it goes even farther downhill from there.
They start talking about Cody freezing George’s sperm and Ramona asks if he even has any left, and George offers to show it to her and asks what position she wants to take it, graphically. Then he makes a gross comment about how he’s going to touch her vagina and Ramona gets up and stalks out.
Aviva asks him not to talk about her friends vaginas. Seriously. Did I just watch this on television? In prime time?
“I hope I never see you again,” Ramona shouts as she makes her famous dash.
“She picks on everybody.” Aviva is trying to comfort pervert Daddy?
“With a friend like that, you’ll never need an enemy. Never,” George mutters. He’s right. But I’m just going to say here and now that this is NOT a normal parent-child relationship, even for an adult child to have with her father. I’m disgusted and don’t want to know anything more.
When Sonja fills in LuAnn during lunch in the park the next day, LuAnn is appalled. Sonja “loves” the fiancé now. Uh huh. She tells LuAnn everything was fine at the party until Ramona arrived.
“You can see how low our standards have gotten with Ramona, it’s considered a successful event if somebody hasn’t clocked Ramona for something inappropriate,” LuAnn jokes.
The good news is that Ramona will NOT be joining the ladies at the Saratoga Races that weekend (nor will Aviva, coincidentally) so everybody is looking forward to the break.
“When you get Sonja off the ‘Ramona-Coaster,’ she’s so much more fun to be around” LuAnn says. Too bad she turns out to be wrong.
“It’s 10 am and Sonja’s drinking hard liquor, what could go wrong?” Kristen jokes at the start of race day. #foreshadowing
I’m not going to give you a blow-by-blow of the ladies at the track – they looked lovely, they had big hats (we never saw the bottom half of Heather’s face all day), and everyone pooled their money and won big – $3k on a $120 bet.
Everybody except Sonja, who bet on every horse and wouldn’t listen to her friends. It was obvious that Heather and LuAnn knew how to bet and the others followed their lead. Except Sonja who claims to know it all and be a Saratoga veteran.
That was all fine til she didn’t win any money and turned into super bitch. Then she disappeared on the group and didn’t reappear until much later at LuAnn’s house as everybody was getting ready to go out.
She was “shitfaced” to quote most of the women. She came in the door muttering to herself and it just got worse from there.
“They always do this, bitches,” Sonja says within earshot of all of them. “After winning all that money, they ditched me.”
“Oh my God, Sonja is shitfaced… she’s totally blotto. What am I going to do with her?” Heather asks. Nobody can do anything with that hot mess, Heather. Don’t waste your time.
But she does, and before you know it Sonja is screaming about being left behind and Heather has had enough. “Watch me leave you now,” Heather says and goes downstairs.
“Sonja is drunk, drunkety drunk drunk drunk!” Kristen says, and then goes upstairs to get involved. Great call. Blonde roots are showing again doll.
Sonja gets close into Kristen’s face. “You are lying, I did not leave you!” she screams at Kristen.
“Get ready, we’re going,” Kristen tells her and heads out of the live-fire zone.
We get to watch Sonja talking to herself in the mirror for quite awhile and I was howling. In high school, we used to joke that we knew we were drunk when we talked to ourselves in the mirror in the bathroom at parties. But Sonja’s too old for this. And it’s showing.
So Sonja packs up to leave, completely shitfaced. “I’m out of here,” she declares as she stumbles off into the night. I didn’t see anybody move to try to stop her. Good riddance.
“Sonja’s a WMD – a ‘Woman of Mass Destruction,” Carole jokes upon watching the exit.
The teaser for next week shows Sonja out with the girls she just ditched (did she come back?) so drunk that she falls over in a chair and shows her crotch on television. Thank you, BravoTV, for blurring that. And in even dumber news, Aviva is going to pick a fight with LuAnn next episode. I’m betting on the Countess. Not gonna miss that fight!
Sandy Malone is the star of TLC’s reality show “Wedding Island” and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post and Monsters and Critics. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!