Once again, BravoTV held us all hostage with the promise of the great Miami explosion for the “Real Housewives of New Jersey,” and once again, we were disappointed. No really, how far out can you tease things? There should be rules about that.
All the footage of everything happening in New Jersey tonight was utterly useless. Oh wait, with the exception of Kevin Jonas turning up at the Wakilies new home construction site because he’s their building project manager. Say what? Completely random. Bravo didn’t tease it and everybody acted like it was completely normal. #bizarre
“Who’s next to design their landscaping? NSYNC?” Rosie jokes.
At their family dinner, we find out that Rosie and her girlfriend broke up.
“God will send you somebody else that’s worthy of you and it will be okay,” Rosie’s mother tells her. Nice to see the unconditional support.
Richie asks his mother-in-law about the Guidice’s legal problems. He’s sooo not a fan of theirs.
“I always told my children when you do something wrong, you always pay for it. You never get away with it,” Kathy’s mom says. Little slam there, but well deserved.
“They are our family no matter what,” Kathy says. That’s their theme this season.
Meanwhile, Joe and Tre’s crew are having their own family dinner at his brother Pete’s house. The Guidice family (by the way, did anyone else notice them arguing amongst themselves about how to pronounce their own name?) was funny to watch as a group. Eleven female grandchildren? God has such a good sense of humor.
Lots of “family is everything” talk that would be cheesy if we didn’t all know that patriarch Frank died of a heart attack a few months afterwards in Joe and Teresa’s yard. To be honest, it seems like nobody misses any of the folks who have gone to Miami. Life is more peaceful without them.
Juicy and Tre discuss their relationship with the Lauritas. Chris has texted Joe suggesting they meet for wine. Teresa basically tells Joe that she doesn’t want to rebuild the relationship with Jacqueline. Maybe once Jac sees this episode she’ll stop trying so hard.
Jim and Amber are packing for Miami because this guy just doesn’t know when to quit. Everybody there hates him and he’s going to spoil the party.
“I think going to Florida with my husband is the perfect way to celebrate being cancer free,” Amber says.
They discuss the Victoria Gotti gossip and Amber says she’s not going to say a word to anybody about it.
“Cuz anything you do will then put it back onto you,” Jim advises her to steer clear of it. And then, as we all know (because Bravo has literally been teasing it for four weeks) that he’s the one who is going to let the cat out of the bag.
“Here I am with a loaded gun, carrying this burden around. But I really just wanted to enjoy my vacation so I’m going to take Jim’s advice and just keep my mouth shut, keep my head down and move on, “ Amber says. “I think it will be a bonding experience, not to sound hokey.” Oh boy, was she wrong or what? She should have left Jim at home.
The girls in Miami spent the morning on some kind of airboat swamp tour and arrive back to find Joe Gorga and Bobby in the pool waiting for them. Everyone is having a great time til Amber and Jim show up at the front door. And it’s all downhill from there.
First off, why didn’t Bobby stay home with Rino to avoid dealing with Jim? Rino hardly knows Jim – Bobby’s his former bff. Bobby’s playing like he has no desire to be friends with Jim anymore so why put himself in that position?
Shortly after they arrive, Dina pulls Amber aside for a chat. Dina tells Amber what she knows about Teresa and that she tried to discuss it with her but the twin didn’t want to hear about it.
“I just didn’t think something like that would be good coming from you,” Dina says to Amber who looks seriously unhappy about it.
“I’ve known about this for what, several weeks now and it hasn’t gone past my lips at all,” Amber defends herself.
“I love that she’s learned her lesson talking smack about rumors she knows nothing about,” Dina-the-Hypocrite says in interview. For God’s sake, Dina, let it go! If you just keep your mouth shut, none of the women are going to bring this up. Of course, that doesn’t mean Jim will keep his mouth shut. But Dina is being a total troublemaker. I wonder who she’s channeling.
Inside, Jim is already fucking things up. He’s acting all nicey-nice but they’re all backhanded compliments and little digs. He thinks it would be great if Nicole and Bobby would move to the next step.
“I think Jim is complimenting to get under Bobby’s skin but at the same time he’s making good valid points,” Nicole says. Bobby gets sick of it pretty fast and beats a retreat upstairs. To lock himself in the bathroom. Yes, I just said that. Grown man, locked in the bathroom. Seriously? SERIOUSLY?
“Why is he hiding in the bathroom because I was being nice to people? Bobby, at the end of the day, is a little skirt,” Jim says. He totally has little-man syndrome. “Bobby needs to grow up,” Jim tells the girls. Problem is that nobody can really defend Bobby’s actions. He’s locked in the bathroom for God’s sake.
“Is this is joke?” Teresa tries to get Bobby out of the bathroom. “I think there’s too much Belvedere going on here.” Meanwhile, Jim is still stirring the pot downstairs.
“Bobby changes his cars every six months. Bobby sees his kids every two weeks,” Jim tells Nicole and everyone else. “If he wants to be with you, if he truly loves you, he needs to make the commitment.” Jeez, Jim. You need to mind your own business. You really are a gossipy old woman. He tells Nicole that Bobby talked shit about her for a year.
“He’s upstairs. He’s hiding in his room like a little chick,” Jim is loving this. “You don’t want to know what Bobby told me about your family.” Amber starts freaking out. She sees where he’s going and she’s in an absolute panic. He’s ignoring her like he can’t even hear her.
“I’m done… you wanna go there Jim, go ahead,” Amber stalks off.
“I feel really bad for Amber being married to Jim,” Dina says. “You can’t control him… relax,” Dina comforts Amber in the kitchen while Amber’s trying to figure out if she can make a run for it before all hell breaks loose. Then Nicole ends up in the kitchen in tears too.
“I think Jim is very calculating… hurt my family, I hurt you back,” Teresa warns.
“He’s been keeping a condo the whole time he’s been dating her sister,” Jim tells everybody. They all look shocked.
“This guy’s fucked up,” Melissa says.
Now twin Teresa is back upstairs trying to get Bobby out of the bathroom.
“My 14 and 16 year olds never lock themselves in the bathroom,” Teresa says.
“Are you nuts bud? That’s somebody’s fucking wife… in a man’s world, Jim is considered a bitch,” Joe Gorga is horrified by what’s coming out of Jim’s mouth.
Amber is begging Jim to shut the fuck up. “Jim, we’re going now,” Amber’s trying to remove him from the situation. He’s not going anywhere. He’s getting way too much camera time for that.
Amber goes up to talk to Bobby and somehow manages to get him out of the bathroom. He agrees to go down and talk to Jim, but he’s not making up with him. We are definitely in third or fourth grade here, max.
Funniest line of the night was in the teasers for next week:
“Amber, I’m sorry that you’re married to a dick,” Dina says.
And maybe next week we’ll finally see the throwdown they’ve been promising us for weeks. This is starting to feel like the longest trip in Real Housewives history.
Sandy Malone is the star of TLC’s reality show “Wedding Island” and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post and Monsters and Critics. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!