The campers have lasted another few days on FOX’s not-quite-a-survival-show Kicking & Screaming.
I can’t even watch this with my husband anymore, because all he does is yell at the TV.
“Makeup? She’s putting on makeup?” and “Where do they get headlamps?” and “Are they really brushing their teeth?!?!”
No, Kicking & Screaming will not be popular with the survivalist set, unless they’re looking for a comedy.
This week, Nakeisha called a bidet a “douche-ay,” multiple times, and that provided some entertainment.
She also believes the two things are used for the same purpose. I find that a little disturbing.
“But seriously, feminine hygiene here is not easy,” Juliana says. #TMI
Alrighty, let’s talk about what’s actually going on.
Terry and Natalie won the elimination challenge last week, so they get to send somebody to elimination this week.
John keeps trying to feed his teammate Nakeisha, but she’s icked out by cooking a fish on a stick.
Tamra is down with stomach cramps.
“The jungle is a dirty mistress. She’ll chew you up and spit you out,” Brady says.
He’s got an upset stomach, too.
Elaine is running a hair salon at the campground. She braids everybody’s hair.
She and Jason are using it as a strategy to keep them popular with everybody else, so they don’t get picked for an elimination challenge.
“Two coconuts per braid. No credit accepted,” Maxwell jokes. “This is becoming more and more like prison every day.”
Natalie is smitten over Ben. She’s making a fool of herself.
He’s receptive, but the overtures are so totally one-sided that it’s a little pathetic.
When it’s time for the prize challenge, the teams find themselves on one side of a net, and a table of food on the other side.
It’s then that Brady’s not feeling well.
“Where’s Brady going?” Host Hannah Simone asks.
“He’s taking a s**t,” John volunteers.
“Making room I guess,” Hannah sends his partner Claire to check on him. #Awkward
“Now I know what my dog feels like when I stare at him,” Brady says.
He comes back with half a sleeve – used the other one for toilet paper. But at least he used something.
Natalie and Terry send Tamra and Maxwell to the elimination challenge, so they don’t compete for the prize.
The game requires them to pass food, mouth-to-mouth, through a net.
“I’ve always wanted a model to throw up in my face,” Ben jokes.
The first team to 10 pounds of food on their scale wins.
Elaine dives right onto the table – it’s a hilarious move from the etiquette maven!
Terry falls down, and wastes time being stuck on the ground with his hands behind his back, but it doesn’t stop him.
He and Natalie win.
Jason and Elaine come in second, so obviously table surfing works.
John and Nakeisha come in last, so they’re going to the elimination challenge.
“I was a ranger, a gunner, I’ve been a warlord. And we lost the challenge where you transport food with your mouth. Like honestly,” John can only shake his head when they’re finished. He so disappointed in himself.
Hannah tells Terry and Natalie they get the option to take everybody with them on the challenge prize.
But first, they get to eat the rest of the food on the table from the challenge.
This is a survival show, right? Or is this Real World? Are we trying to get them drunk and laid? Oh wait, let’s feed them.
The whole group gets to pig out at the table of food, and then they all go to a makeshift island bar production built in the jungle.
Natalie is flirting desperately with Ben. He’s responding, sort of.
Maybe the booze party was to encourage them. Yes, production does that. Even on “reality” shows.
Nakeisha isn’t feeling well.
“My partner is anti-negativity,” she says.
“But this is not going to end in a #NakeishaMeltdown moment,” she says.
At bedtime, Juliana switches bed spots so Natalie and Ben can sleep closer together.
Ben invites her under his sweater. He tells her it is a super-secret invisibility cloak that cameras cannot see through.
“I think Natalie, she’s crushing on Ben,” John says that when he woke up, they were spooning, and Natalie was the big spoon.
Notice nobody says Ben is crushing on Natalie? #JustSaying
Meanwhile, Max is developing new job skills.
“I am the camp worm whisperer,” Max brags.
Back home, he says he doesn’t work for more than a few weeks at a time at any job because he knows he can get another one.
Everybody is trying to pep talk Nakeisha going into the elimination challenge.
Tamra and Max add war paint to get psyched up.
“I’m prepared to take her head off. Bye Nakeisha,” Max says.
For the elimination challenge, they have to untie a grappling hook from a tree.
Then the survivalists have to use it to capture crab traps. The novices have to dig through mud for live crabs to put in three traps.
“If they pinch me, they might pinch my whole finger off,” Nakeisha starts squealing and b***hing and complaining as soon as she hears about the crabs.
I’d say Max has a huge advantage since he’s been digging worms for a week.
Nakeisha starts out by running to the wrong tree. Perfect.
She has to dig out three crabs, and she’s freaking out.
“Crabs are definitely the scariest creature I’ve yet to put my hands on,” Nakeisha says.
Remember, last week, she said she’d never been in a stressful situation before.
Regardless, she and John are way ahead until they get to the crab part.
“This is going to be a #NakeishaMeltdown moment,” John predicts.
Tamra and Max have the reverse problem. Tamra can’t seem to catch a crab trap with the grappling hook.
Max is standing waiting for her, with his hands full of crabs.
Nakeisha and John win, but not by a lot.
Pro Tamra let down her novice, Maxwell, because he was able to catch his crabs, but she couldn’t manage to capture the crab traps.
“I showed up in this jungle a very spoiled, privileged, mama’s boy,” Max says.
I’m sorry he’s going home. He was comic relief.
But I’m also pretty sure he went home just as big of a privileged mama’s boy as he was when he arrived.
Next week, Natalie is having sex dreams. And John capsizes a canoe.
I’d rather hear about the canoe.
Things we’re left wondering
What does Max do that he can quit his job every few weeks? Does he work at a coffee shop? Starbucks has higher standards than that.
Do they have toilet paper provided back at the campsite? Since Brady was using his sleeve at the challenge, we’ve got to wonder what they usually do.
Is there anybody out there who believes this is a survival challenge show? It’s a camping comedy.
Kicking & Screaming airs Thursdays at 9/8c on FOX.