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Top 10 ways to kill a zombie

Still from The Walking Dead
You never know when you’re going to need to know how to kill a zombie. Pic credit: AMC

Warning: The world is on the doorstep of a zombie apocalypse. All it’s going to take is one unknown, scary virus to make its way on to American soil and…whooooa, too close to recent  events!

Zombies were brought into US culture after Americans started to learn more about the voodoo religion.

Today in popular media the ‘undead’ roam the streets in a catatonic state looking for live human brains to feed on after being infected. The only way to kill a zombie is to destroy the zombie’s brains. But what’s the best way to do it???

10 Firearms

Guns are effective, but boring. If you are faced with something as awesome as a pack of hungry zombies, why go the vanilla ice cream route? But, if you really just want to take care of business so you can get back to post-apocalyptic life, a gun is the weapon to choose for the job.

When choosing a firearm for zombie-killing, find something lightweight, easy to reload, and quiet. Silencers are a nice add-on to avoid drawing the attention to neighboring zombie hordes.

If training your family in the art of zombie-killing, find something easy to use and without a lot of learning required. Kids are notorious for not paying attention to instructions.

9 Sporting Goods

“Take me out to the ball game” probably was never intended as a theme song for zombie destruction. However, sporting equipment can be fun and deadly too.

Keep a collection of sports equipment such as baseball bats, golf clubs, and polo mallets handy. Even a wimpy tennis racquet can be used if you put a little extra oomph behind your swing. Hockey equipment can be really deadly.

Have you seen the fights on the ice? Wow! Hockey equipment gives you a 1-2-3 knockout punch because (1) the stick itself is made to be swung with great force, (2) you have the protective padding that is unique to the sport, and (3) the skate blades…sharpen those suckers up and zombie necks will be rolling.

Sporting equipment takes a little more effort to make the kill, but they’re a good option to get some practice on your game swing while saving humanity.

8 Gardening Tools

A well-stocked garden shed is the zombie-killer’s heaven. Shovels, rakes, and cultivators all have nice sturdy handles for making firm contact with the zombie head.

They’re cheap and easy to come by at your local home improvement store. You don’t raise any suspicions that you are preparing for the zombie apocalypse by stockpiling garden tools.

An added bonus is that the metal ends of the tools can be sharpened to a very sharp edge. If only real yard work was so much fun!

7 Lawnmower

You go out to the shed to get your trusty hoe (love saying that!) and what do you see? The riding lawnmower!

The regular riding lawnmower is a powerful cutting tool. But, consider adding a lift kit and monster tires to make your zombie mower ten times more awesome!

Zombie killing with a riding mower is better as a two-person effort. Give your wife a hoe (saying it never gets old!) and have her swing until the undead beasts are knocked to the ground.

I wonder if zombie brains make good lawn fertilizer?

6 Train

Zombie death by train is freaking awesome. It’s something you only hope to see in the movies. But, with a little coordination and effort, you can take your zombie killing game to a whole new level!

You have to figure out the train schedule but you know it always comes through town when you’re late to work or trying to sleep. So, plan for around those times. You need something (well, someone!) to draw the zombies out…the more the better.

Hey, it may mean sacrificing a few, but it’s for the greater good of mankind. Politicians, attorneys, IRS workers and debt collectors are all good choices. They’ll do anything for a buck so offer to hire them for this job.

Be sure to bring your hoe (Hee hee, last time I promise!) for protection and have your hired help stand on the tracks until the train comes. The zombie horde approaches and at the last minute the decoy jumps from the tracks. The train smashes the zombies head-on. A massive trail of zombie destruction is left behind.

5 Bomb

Any moron can make an explosive device these days with the use of a search engine. Of course, if the feds are monitoring your IP address you could get a visit from you friendly Homeland Security official.

Don’t worry, just let them know you are building your device to save the world from the zombie apocalypse. He’ll understand. Really.

Bombs are a little like firearms. They really lack the pizazz of some of the other zombie killing options. They’re a pretty standard device, but you get a lot more boom than a gun, with the least amount of effort.

And, in a virus stricken wasteland, you really want to get your zombie killing business taken care of as simply and quickly as possible.

4 Gas Explosion

Calling all wannabe chefs…here is your opportunity to try grillin’ like a villain. Or, maybe that’s grillin’ a villain? Either way it’s the most satisfying BBQ you’ll ever throw!

The recipe for Fried Zombie calls for: One, or more, undead souls; full gasoline can; matches; rolled up newspaper. Turn gas on in oven and open door. Leave building while gas builds up. When zombies approach, douse with gasoline and lure into home. (Tip: Have exit strategy)

Once zombies are inside, toss in lit newspaper and run like hell. Zombies will be hot and bubbly with a crispy crust. Of course, your home will be destroyed but the explosion will be epic!

3 Homemade Flamethrower

Pyromaniac? This is the weapon for you! Combine an aerosol spray such as hair spray, insect killer, or spray paint, and a household lighter, and you have a homemade flame thrower.

When zombies approach, aim can in the zombie’s direction and press spray button. Click lighter in spray stream and watch the flames shoot out enveloping the zombies.

Be prepared for third-degree burns to your own body. Maybe lost eyebrows. Deep scars are a sign to the world of your zombie-fighting courage. Don’t fear the disfiguring power of the homemade flamethrower.

2 Automobile Crash

Americans love their cars and trucks. And, Americans love killing zombies. Combine the two and it’s like an art form. By mounting swords and sharpened garden tools to the front (I didn’t say hoe! Oops), you’ve got a serious killing machine!

There is no simpler way to kill a zombie than to ram it with your vehicle. You’ll feel like a racecar driver in the Indy 500.

Just rev your engine, and floor it! If needed, you can always throw the car into reverse and back over again and again just for good measure – and pleasure. There is no warning flag so race away.

Zombie brains and blood on the windshield? Just flip on the wipers and washer fluid and it’s gone in an instant.

1 Zombie Chainsaw Massacre

For the best zombie experience, nothing is more satisfying than sharp, spinning chains of death slicing through those undead freaks. It’s messy and fun.

Just pull the start and listen to the power whirr to life. Swing at will and watch the zombie heads roll. Yes, you’ll be covered in zombie brains and guts, but think what a great selfie you can take afterwards.

Damn…in the zombie apocalypse you can’t get cell signal. That sucks! If you want to make the ultimate zombie killing weapon of your dreams, combine the chainsaw with the flame thrower and the gun. Now, that’s power!

(Note: This is intended for amusement purposes only. Do not attempt any form of zombie destruction at home. Even with a hoe.)

James has worked for Monsters and Critics since it started back in 2003. He oversees the business and technical side of things. You can contact... read more
James Wray

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