Fifty Shades Freed movie review by Fifty Shades Fred

Let’s be honest, this is what you came here to see.

If you’re still watching the third movie, you know what you’re getting. Fifty Shades Freed certainly is another one! If you take it seriously, it’ll make you swoon more. Or, maybe you’ll just laugh even harder at the absurdity.

Anastasia Steele (Dakota Johnson) and Christian Grey (Jamie Dornan) are married now, but Christian’s having a hard time adjusting to domestic life. He really doesn’t want to share Ana with the rest of the world. If only she had some indication he’d be possessive in a relationship…

My big fat Fifty Shades wedding!

Ana finds out a whole lot about her home and her job from other people. She has so many questions because she’s the last to be told about her life.

Christian storms into Ana’s office one day, huffing and puffing ridiculously. He e-mailed her but Ana Grey bounced back. Look, even if she were taking his name, it takes time for I.T. to update e-mails.

To make it up to her, Christian says he would hypothetically take her name. Christian Steele would be an awesome name! Terrorists have taken over the city and only Christian Steele can stop them!

The only terrorist in Fifty Shades Freed is Jack Hyde (Eric Johnson), coming for revenge since Ana reported his assault and cost him everything.

Jack’s back in Fifty Shades Freed

There is a car chase that’s neither fast, nor furious. There’s no shot from Dakota Johnson’s shoulder through the engine. They couldn’t even borrow some second unit drivers from Fast and the Furious.

There’s no Riddick poster on Christian’s wall this time but this film’s equivalent is Christian’s never before known piano and singing skills.

There’s a lot more casual nudity in Fifty Shades Freed. There’s still sex and bondage, but Anastasia goes sunning topless and later has a full argument with Christian topless.

Is it Anastasia Grey now or Ana Steele-Grey?

At work, Ana blows the lid off the publishing industry by requesting the font size be made two points bigger in the hardcover. That’s some inside whistleblowing by E.L. James!

The trilogy ends with a recap montage of the first two movies, with scenes playing even more absurd out of context. I know, that doesn’t seem possible but here we are.

So, I’m glad the Fifty Shades trilogy is over. I never want to see another one and I’ll never watch any of these again, but these reviews have been fun to write.

Fifty Shades Freed opens February 9 in theaters.

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