Want to hear some funny jokes?
In 2002, psychology professor Richard Wiseman from England’s University of Hertfordshire carried out a huge study to find out what the funniest joke in the world was. More than 40,000 jokes (not all, by any means, funny) were submitted to his study’s laughlab website, and more than 1.5million votes were cast.
An overall winner was chosen, as well as separate winners for individual countries.
We know you’re desperate to hear what the winning joke was, so, without further ado…may we present to you, officially, the funniest joke in the world:
Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn’t seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, “My friend is dead! What can I do?”. The operator says “Calm down. I can help. First, let’s make sure he’s dead.” There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says “OK, now what?”
And in second place…
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”
“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.
“And what do you deduce from that?”
Watson ponders for a minute. “Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Meteorologically, I
suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe… What does it tell you, Holmes?”
Holmes is silent for a moment. “Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”
The top joke in the USA was this one (after users were asked to submit jokes ending with the punchline “there’s a weasel chomping on my/his privates”):
At the parade, the Colonel noticed something unusual going on and asked the Major: “Major Barry, what the devil’s wrong with Sergeant Jones’ platoon? They seem to be all twitching and jumping about.” “Well sir,” says Major Barry after a moment of observation. “There seems to be a weasel chomping on his privates.”
While this was the favourite in Canada:
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300 C. The Russians used a pencil.
Here we have put together a list of of other jokes that — without the help of science — have been known to raise a smile. So learn a couple of these (as well as the ones above) and reel them off next time you’re with a group of friends.
Other really funny jokes
Went to the zoo. There was only one dog in it. It was a shitzu.
I was watching a marathon and saw one runner dressed as a chicken and another as an egg. I thought, ‘This could be interesting’.
I’ve just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I’ll tell you what, never again.
A dyslexic man walks into a bra.
Crime in multi-storey car parks…it’s wrong on so many levels.
I needed a password of eight characters, so I picked Snow White & The Seven Dwarves.
A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The driver says: “Ugh, that’s the ugliest baby I’ve ever seen.”
The woman walks to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: “The driver just insulted me.” The man says: “You go up there and tell him off. Go on, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”
Conjunctivitis.com — that’s a site for sore eyes.
Hedgehogs. Why can’t they just share the hedge?
Do you know any other funny jokes? Let us know in the comments section below!