The perfect holiday antidote ‘You Might Be a Zombie’ comedy trivia book by Cracked.com launches today.
Surprisingly addictive and certainly edifying, the comedy trivia book ‘You Might Be A Zombie And Other Bad News’, has already won over the hearts of Monsters and Critics, Roger Ebert, Sarah Silverman and Stan Lee.
See for yourself, courtesy of Cracked:
The Four Most Badass Presidents of All Time
As we all prepare to spend a long weekend enjoying Presidential Savings on mattresses and used Toyotas, we could take time to thank some of the presidents who passed bills that protect some of the freedoms your enjoy daily. Or we could spend the day celebrating the presidents who are decidedly more Action Movie Heroes than diplomats. Anyway, guess which kind of president this website decided to focus on?
#5. Andrew Jackson
When the 1828 election rolled around, a lot of people were terrified when they heard Andrew “Old Hickory” Jackson was running. If you’re wondering how a guy we’re calling a bad ass got such a lame nickname, it’s because he used to carry a hickory cane around and beat people senseless with it, and if you’re wondering why he did that, it’s because he was a fucking lunatic.
Former Democratic Senator and Secretary of the Treasurey Albert Gallatin feared a Jackson presidency because of his “habitual disregard of laws and constitutional provisions.” Or in other words, the man was a loose canon–17th Century Washigton’s answer to Martin Riggs. Sure, he probably didn’t have an irate black lieutenant to answer to, or a weary partner who was too old for this shit, but he most certainly had a death wish.
How do we know? Well, despite everyone’s best efforts, Jackson was elected to the top office, and when he wasn’t busy shaping the Presidency as we know it today, you could find him out back dueling. In case you haven’t been to the 18th century lately, this unmanly sounding activity actually involves standing across from an armed man and shooting at him while he in turn shoots at you. The number of duels that Jackson took part in varies depending on what source you consult; some say 13, while others rank the number somewhere in the 100’s, both of which are entirely too many times for a reasonable human being to stand in front of someone who is trying to kill them with a loaded gun.
On one occasion, he challenged a man named Charles Dickinson to a duel, (the reason behind it wasn’t important, not to us and certainly not to Jackson), and Jackson was even kind enough to give Dickinson the first shot. We’re gonna go ahead and repeat that: In a duel with pistols, Jackson politely volunteers to be shot at first. Dickinson happily obliged and shot Jackson, who proceeded to shake it off like it was a bee sting. When Jackson returned the favor, Dickinson was not so lucky, and that’s why his face isn’t on the twenty. The bullet, by the by, remained in Jackson’s body for 19 years because, we assume, Jackson knew that time spent removing the bullets would just fall under the general category of “time not dueling,” Jackson’s least favorite category.
If that didn’t hook you on phonics, here’s another excerpt, courtesy of Cracked:
The Gruesome Origins of 5 Popular Fairy Tales
We know what’s you’re thinking. “What the hell is Cracked writing articles about fairy tales for? That’s kids stuff! Give us more articles about the Top 10 Transformers Characters, or Worst Dressed Thundercat!” And that’s good, because that means our Spyware technology is getting better than ever.
The thing about fairy tales, though, is that they weren’t always for kids. Back when these stories were first told around campfires and in taverns in some medieval village there were very few kids present. These were racy, violent parables to distract peasants after a hard day’s dirt farming, and some of them made Hostel look like, well, kid’s stuff.
#5. Little Red Riding Hood: Inter-Species Sex Play, Cannibalism
The Version You Know
Mention the words “fairy tale” to someone–if they don’t think of gingerbread houses, or possibly a certain bar they know, they think of this story. Little Red on her way to grandmother’s house meets the Big Bad Wolf and stupidly tells him where she’s going. So he gets there first, eats Grandma, puts on her dress and waits for Red.
She gets there, they do the back-and-forth about what big teeth he has, and he eats her. Then, a passing woodsman comes and cuts Red and Grandma out of the wolf, saving the day.
What Got Changed
Most modern versions of fairy tales come from two sources: The Grimm Brothers from Germany, and Frenchman Charles Perrault, the collector of the “Mother Goose” tales. The big change they made to this one was the ending. That woodsman showing up seemed a little like a third act re-write of a movie due to bad test screenings, didn’t it? Where the hell did the woodsman come from?
Well, the woodsman was a later addition to the tale. In the early versions of the story, Red and her Grandmother are dead. The. Goddamn. End. Also, in most versions the woodsman cuts the pair out of the wolf’s belly, where they’re mostly none the worse for wear despite being eaten, which implies to us the wolf in that story world eats like some sort of python, by unhinging its jaw and swallowing prey whole. Suspension of disbelief only goes so far.
“Crackedmas is about returning home on the 28th, exhausted, having endured a long Christmas weekend with the in-laws and hours of aggravating traffic… then seeing a little brown cardboard box the UPS man left leaning against your door, knowing that it contains more hours of joy and laughter than even the most loving family will ever, ever be able to provide you,” said Jack O’Brien, Cracked.com’s Editor in Chief.
‘You Might Be a Zombie and Other Bad News’ is officially available nationwide at BarnesandNoble.com, Borders.com, or Amazon.com for the paperback, here for the Kindle edition or here for the NOOKbook. And, if you insist on flipping through a physical copy before you part with your cash, then you’ll need to spend some time in a bookstore near you.
What the critics are saying:
“Smart, funny, and cool.”
“The funniest, wisest, greatest book ever written!
I keep reading and rereading it here in my padded cell!”
Cracked.com, a Demand Media property, is an award-winning, smart and irreverent website created as an online extension of the American humor magazine Cracked. Cracked was originally founded in 1958, making the Cracked brand one of the longest-running comedy brands to date. www.cracked.com