This is about enough. I can’t watch cement-faced Kristen Stewart and passive, pasty faced Robert Pattinson as Bella and Edward anymore, unless they change the act. SO many trials and tribulations, so much angst, blah, blah.
Everything is too much in this ironically bloodless exercise, a ‘will she or won’t she’ soap opera coated in blood starring a couple of milquetoasts. To quote Elaine Benes, “Die already!”
How many minutes of film have found Bella weighing love with Edward the vampire against leading a ‘normal’ life? Well, not that many, it’s Edward who is to blame for dragging this thing out over how many films? How many times must we be reminded how in love they are and what a danger it is to her? We get it.
The rationale is that fans of the book and the film franchise will eat it up, whatever is served.
That is true, sadly. They’re not going for the story or character development or to see a film that makes sense. They’re going to watch real life honeys Robert Pattinson and Kristin Stewart ham it up bringing to life a book series they treasure and to be part of the communal “experience” of seeing the film.
These are strictly coloring book movies, two dimensional and simple minded at best and this is the worst of the bunch.
I’m up to here with the internecine aggravations and soul searching that never leads anywhere, the Sullen Cullens, the Wimpy Wolves, the alligator tears and all-consuming selfish obsessions. Even the battle of the vampire and werewolves is getting stale, and in this outing, is way down the list of priorities.
Okay so Belle and Edward are about to tie the knot, having avoided sex for fear of a passion so great and a vampire tradition so powerful they would break the world in two. But they get married in a sequence that rivals The Deerhunter’s for length and reminds me of a series of travel brochure photographs of people looking really in love.
I’d rather watch feet clogging in tight close-up for twenty minutes than watch them mooning another second.
Inertia sets in until Jacob shows up to give Bella his support. Apparently Edward has kindly arranged it because he understands their unique bond, but once again Jake loses his cool. Taylor Lautner, who has been through the mill thanks to his hiatus film adventures (Abduction) can take a bow.
The only real drama happens when Jacob is around mixing things up. Bella and Edward together are deadly, in a boring way but Jacob’s simmering, seething eyes and hair-trigger temper create the films high points.
Then comes the honeymoon which takes place on a private island off Rio where they do it. Finally. The world doesn’t end, there’s just a little damage to the bed and a curtain is torn down.
However, Bella realizes that she is pregnant, two weeks after they consummate their union. The baby’s growing at a hell of a rate. (Cue Twilight Zone music) Bella doesn’t feel so swell.
And that’s all you’re getting.
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Written by Stephenie Meyer
Directed by Bill Condon
Opens Nov 18
Runtime: 117 Minutes
MPAA: Rated PG-13 for disturbing images, violence, sexuality/partial nudity and some thematic elements