I couldn’t even keep up with “Marriage Boot Camp” tonight because everyone was losing it at the same time – OMG, were you watching? For the first 30 minutes I thought Blanca’s “alleged” infidelity to Julian would be my hot topic tonight, but then my favorite wanna-be celebrity Shaun stole the show.
So we’re going to start at the end because that was INSANITY on WEtv tonight.
After surviving a long day of lie detector tests (with varying results – we’ll come back to this), they decide to give them all a “hall pass” for the night. The couples all turn in their wedding bands and can reclaim them – or not – at a re-commitment ceremony the next day. But they’re single for a night. By the way, it’s called a vow renewal folks. Just sayin. Anyway…
“Do you want to re-commit to your marriage or are you better off apart?” Boot Camp Director Elizabeth asks all of them. And director Jim announces “You guys are now single.” Uh oh. Mai-Lee turns six shades whiter.
Basically, the couples are being challenged to use the skills they’ve learned in “Marriage Boot Camp” to go out and have fun without ruining their marriages… unless that’s their goal. And for some of them, it clearly was.
The guys are going out together and the girls are going out together. And most of the couples are fighting while they’re in their rooms getting dressed. The only one who is excited to go out is Tasha who claims she hasn’t had fun since she married Jeff. I believe her.
Sofia and Shaun get into a fight about, of course, alcohol.
“I’m going to try to have fun,” Shaun says. We all know what that means and so does Sofia. Shaun is tossing back shots at a bar before the girls have even arrived at their own destination.
Back up, Shaun started drinking alone BEFORE they left the house. He was the ONLY camper who had to hit the bar to pre-party and he looked like the problem-drinker he is as he mixed his own cocktail all alone. I just shook my head. We all saw most of what was coming next. Except that poor table.
I’d like to point out that a few blogs ago, I told you guys that Shaun must’ve been a stripper at some point because his lap dances were a little too professional. Guess who wasn’t wrong? Shaun got absolutely shitfaced at the bar and before you know it, he’s tearing off his shirt again to flaunt his abs… very close up to other women. Sofia would not approve. The other guys didn’t approve.
“You’re supposed to be getting remarried tomorrow – what the hell are you doing?” Tomas asks. Jeff muttered something at him too but there weren’t any captions.
Sofia had told the girls, very seriously, that if Shaun gave any lap dances, it was OVER.
“If Shaun gives a lap dance, he’s not getting a ring tomorrow.” Now I gotta ask, has anyone reading this ever heard those words uttered by any other married woman they know? Sofia, have some pride girl.
“Shaun is probably giving a lap dance right now,” Gloria says, ever the supportive one. But she was right. And Sofia knew it too.
Sofia knows Shaun has a tendency to get drunk and rub his naked chest all over other women (and men?). No wonder she’s so paranoid. By the way, just in case Sofia doesn’t know, that’s not a NORMAL concern to have when your husband goes out with his buddies. Then again, if your husband has a history in gay porn and just flunked a lie detector about his relationship with his ex, you probably have all sorts of marital worries that have never even crossed my mind in 10 years of marriage.
That’s just skeevy behavior by a married man. Not unexpected from this asshole, but still… really? With the cameras there? With a vow renewal on the line the next day? You’re going to do exactly what you know your wife most fears?
Sofia should have been packing that night. But as we know from Twitter, they’re still “happily” together (pause to throw up in my own mouth) and went out for a date night dinner before tonight’s extremely unflattering episode. What is wrong with her? We don’t find out til next week how Sofia ends up in a cast (seriously mean teaser Thinkfactory Media – inquiring minds want to know how that happened and we don’t like waiting a week).
Whether Sofia gets maimed in the melee we see at the very end, or he actually tosses her down the stairs, the end result is the same. She’s afraid of him when he drinks because Sofia knows she can end up hurt. And she does. Anybody else want to bet this is not her first emergency room visit courtesy of her husband’s antics?
Why am I so harsh about Shaun? Probably because the last time I had the gall to express my opinion about him in a blog, I had to endure 24 hours of #meantweets before somebody smacked him down hard enough to get him to back off. He even got friendly. Keeps begging the world to see he’s changed. I call BULLSHIT. #fake
Those few seconds of next week’s episode demonstrate that Shaun is EXACTLY the same man he was when he arrived at “Marriage Boot Camp.” Tearing off his clothes, slamming on walls, anybody wanna bet he’s going to throw some furniture? Btw, RIP front hall table. You never did anything to Julian.
Speaking of Julian, Shaun wasn’t the only man on a mission to destroy his marriage at the bar, and Tomas called him out on it.
“I think if Blanca can see Julian now the way he’s acting here she might question giving him a ring tomorrow,” Tomas says. That said, props to Julian for taking the shot glass out of that chick’s cleavage versus actually taking the body shot. You missed an excellent motor-boating opportunity and we know you like that.
Julian, unlike Shaun, is actually on a mission to piss off his wife as much as humanly possible. Shaun’s behavior is ignorant and pathetic, Julian’s is calculated. He just found out during the lie detector tests that Blanca has been unfaithful to him DURING their marriage. He passed with flying colors having been a good boy since he said “I do.”
Blanca’s denying it up and down but you can tell she’s lying. I don’t know if it was just a blow job (kids don’t consider that sex these days), but Blanca did something naughty with somebody other than Julian AFTER the wedding. And she’s busted. And she knows it because of the panicky way she’s keeps screaming at him about how what he did was okay but she’s in trouble and she didn’t do anything. She isn’t even making sense (I know that’s not unusual for her, but in this case it implies she’s lying).
Despite flirting and getting wasted, Julian doesn’t get himself into trouble at the bar, but I bet he wishes he hadn’t gone home afterwards. The girls got home early and both Mai-Lee and Blanca got themselves worked up into psychotic tizzies. Blanca greeted Julian by hurling a candle at his head – and nailing him – the minute he walked through the door. #domesticviolence
I wonder what she’ll do when she sees the pink lipstick on his collar. OMG I can’t even imagine. That candle moved fast.
Julian flipped the front hall table over after he recovered from her missile. I’m guessing that’s because he already has a criminal record and doesn’t think that actually killing Blanca on camera would be good move. What a bitch! That said, her softball team must love her. Great arm. OUCH!
The teasers for next week show all hell breaking loose – people pulling each other up and down stairs, Shaun tearing off his shirt and going all #Hulkaholic on them (yes WEtv, I used your damned hashtag again… you were right about him from the beginning). And we see Sofia on crutches fresh from an emergency room trip the morning after. WTF??? Seriously, you left us hanging there?
Okay, now I have to back up because there were some other noteworthy moments to the show beyond Shaun demonstrating he’s a complete jerk and us learning that Blanca’s a self-righteous hypocrite.
The show actually opened with Elizabeth Carroll asking the question: “Do you want to re-commit to your marriage or are you better off apart?”
Of course, this was just about the same time that Blanca was bitching at Julian about toast, and then Sofia and Shaun started arguing with Blanca and Julian about who argues with their spouse more. No, I’m not kidding. And I know that production kept that scene in because of its “totally stupid” value. Best way to showcase IQ – record a “normal” conversation between these people and let America judge.
“We have not been arguing,” Sofia whines.
“Since this morning,” Julian snarks back. Funny, but not the best way to start your morning, do you think? I mean, the day was doomed at breakfast. And for God’s sake, stop expecting Blanca to make the coffee if you actually want some!!!
And then they head into their first exercise, a lie detector test. Fabulous.
“How truthful is your spouse with you?” Elizabeth asks them all.
“Even with as much progress as you make, I’m sure you still have a burning question or two that you would like to ask your spouse,” Jim explains the exercise.
“So today you will get your answers” Elizabeth finishes. Jim thinks they’re ready to hear the truth. I think Jim is a smart man who should wear a flak jacket later in the episode. I wonder if they’ll get the directors out of bed to break up the fight after the shit hits the fan. If I were Jim and Elizabeth, my contract would let me live someplace OTHER than that house.
“This is the final test,” Jim tells them. The next day they’ll decide if they want to re-commit themselves to their marriages or go separate ways.
The lie detector tests went about as well as could be expected with this hot mess of marriages.
I’ve already told you that Julian told the truth, and Blanca failed on the fidelity question, even when it was asked a couple of ways. #busted
And Julian doesn’t believe his wife’s denials for a second. “If she would lie about Botox, why wouldn’t she lie about being unfaithful?” he asks. Bahahahaha! If you’re already using Botox at your age Blanca, you are so screwed in 30 years. Better start saving up for that facelift. Julian won’t be paying for it.
He’s ready to leave and gives Blanca five minutes to pack and go with him. He says either boot camp is manipulating him, or Blanca has cheated on him – and lied about it – and he is done.
“Cheating I can deal with, but lying I can’t. You need to come clean,” Julian demands.
But the directors aren’t tolerating this stupidity about quitting at this point. When Blanca and Julian don’t show up for the next exercise, director Jim goes upstairs to get them.
Julian explains why he wants to leave and Jim says he would never manipulate results – which means Blanca lied. Oddly, this seems to calm Julian down. He needed to feel validated.
“You need to get your asses downstairs and finish this program,” Jim tells them. Julian leads the way. Now he has a point to prove.
Tasha audibly gasps when she hears that Blanca is a cheater. The others were baffled too.
“I didn’t see that one coming,” Mai-Lee admits.
Sofia lied about wanting Shaun to give up bodybuilding but explains that she doesn’t want him to quit, she just wants more time with him.
Shaun, on the other hand, lied about having contact with his ex-girlfriend (you know, the third person in their marriage) AFTER they got married. They asked the question a couple ways and he failed a couple of times. Liar liar – pants on fire! What a shocker. The ex still owns him.
They had a nasty fight afterwards where he said that if she didn’t believe him “you can be by yourself.” Way to play on her insecurities, asshole. No, seriously. Her biggest fear is losing you to the ex, and you just confirmed it. Great time to threaten to leave her alone. If I were her, I’d be packing in my spare time.
Jeff and Tasha were just hilarious although it should have been sad. She was completely truthful. Jeff ends up failing on the cheating question!!! The Twitter world went mad wanting to know WHO IN THE WORLD would have slept with this guy? It’s gotta be a big fan of the “Walking Dead” because Jeff is a zombie.
And then we find out the truth. Jeff has been watching porn and Tasha considers that cheating. I actually get what she’s saying because she’s mad he never wants sex with her. Maybe they could try watching porn together? Just an idea. Maybe Dr. Ruth could weigh in on this one.
Mai-Lee and Tomas were uneventful but weird to watch because instead of worrying about her own marriage, Mai-Lee is obsessed with whether Tomas thinks Sofia is more attractive than her.
“I don’t know if she’s learning anything from here,” Tomas gripes. I think he may be right. Later that night when the girls get home before the boys, Mai-Lee completely loses it. I mean, she’s not hurling candles or getting violent (that we saw so far – apparently that was only the beginning of that scene), but she could not handle the idea that her husband might be out having fun without her. How dare he?
I think she’s just hurting from the results of the lie detector and it has made Mai-Lee more insecure (is that possible?). Unfortunately, Tomas failed the lie detector question about whether he thought Sofia was hotter than his own wife. Oops.
“I didn’t lie…,” Tomas explains. “I’ll pick my wife over 10 of her.” HER is Sofia. Good choice.
Gloria took such a long break before answering each question that it indicates she was deceptive about everything. The only thing Mark gets busted on is deleting texts off his phone. He claims he did it just to “test” out the polygraph. Anybody else call BULLSHIT on that too? I do.
The issue of him loving his own children more than her children is a deep one (they do have one child in common), and I don’t know how to react without knowing more about how their household is run and what’s going on. I can understand Gloria being upset about it, but her behavior during their break after the exercise was insane.
But first, I want to know WHO REALLY THOUGHT it was a good idea to give these couples alone time at this point? Are you hoping for a murder in the house? I bet the security budget for this show is getting bigger every episode.
First Gloria screams and yells at Mark in the kitchen in front of everybody, then she stomps out. Then she comes back when she hears them talking about her and starts screaming at everybody else. I have one thing to say to Gloria here.
When you reduce yourself during an argument to insulting somebody’s looks, weight, or SHOES, you are proving that you have lost the argument. You either can’t make your point or aren’t articulate enough to do so. Since you never shut up Gloria, we know you knew you were wrong. Will you please get off your high horse? You are not smarter, prettier, or classier than any of the other campers. Actually, you’re pretty much just ghetto-fabulous on your best days, and that’s not a compliment.
Gloria tells Mark that the results of the lie detector mean the end of their marriage. “I’m pretty much ready to walk away,” she says.
Mark tries to be the peacemaker but she’s not having it. “I think that boat has sailed,” Gloria says, so Mark says okay, it’s done. He’s sick of her threatening to end the marriage.
“What’s the point of me trying to hold onto something that doesn’t want me,” Mark asks. Please note he calls Gloria a “thing.” I agree with him. She’s like a big coiled spring (or cobra) ready to pounce all the time. Nobody could live with that, and very, very few people could love that “thing.” I truly wonder, and worry, about their children.
I could write all night long about Blanca and Julian and Shaun and Sofia, but I feel sorry for Julian, and Shaun makes me downright sick to my stomach. I can’t figure out why he spends so much time defending himself to the public when we’re going to see him lose it AGAIN the next week anyway. How’s the publicity firm working out for you, Shaun? Dying to see how they spin this one.
I’m actually terrified to see what he’s going to do next week and I really wish it would have happened in a public place so we could see Shaun led away in handcuffs. Cuz really, that’s going to happen eventually. It would have made great television for WEtv, but we’ll have to wait and see it on TMZ instead.
Thank God I don’t have a wedding event next Friday because I am not missing this final episode. Or the reunion show they’ve filmed that is supposed to be outrageous. Who are these people? Please tell me they don’t represent “regular America.” It’s just embarrassing for all of us. And I’m not about to miss a second of it!
Sandy Malone is the star of TLC’s reality show “Wedding Island” and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post and Monsters and Critics. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!