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Charlie Sheen interview and transcript on Leno (VIDEO)

By April MacIntyre Sep 16, 2011, 2:30 GMT

09/10/2011 - Charlie Sheen - Comedy Central\'s Roast of Charlie Sheen - Arrivals - Sony Studios - Culver City, CA, USA © richard shotwell / PR Photos

On Jay Leno's chat show tonight, tiger blood fueled warlock Charlie Sheen takes the “Tonight Show” couch to talk about being fired from “Two and a Half Men,” his recent Comedy Central roast, his love life and “Winning!”

Later, Comedian Kevin Hart talks about dating a girl who can’t cook and LMFAO performs.

"I didn't believe in tiger's blood or adonis DNA," says Sheen to Leno.

NBC fired over Charlie Sheen Quotables:

Jay Leno: This is one of my favorites: ‘I’m tired of pretending I’m not special. I’m tired of pretending I’m not a totally bitching rock star from Mars.’

Charlie Sheen: Well…maybe Mars is a little far. Yeah, I don’t know. I don’t know what that was all about about, Jay. I wish I could come out here and just say, like, explain it all to you and all these good people. And it just…I think it would make less sense if I tried to explain it.

Jay Leno: Are you still angry towards the producers and CBS?

Charlie Sheen: No, no. I would have fired my ass too. Well, maybe not like they did.

Jay Leno: Any advice for Ashton?

Charlie Sheen: I mean, nothing I could say right here. No, I’m joking. No, no. Seriously, no. It’s hard to give advice to a guy that accomplished. I would just give him a hug and just say, ‘Make me proud, dude.’

On his relationship with his father Martin Sheen --

Charlie Sheen: It’s totally repaired.  Yeah, we’re buddies again.

On if anyone went too far on Saturday’s roast –

Charlie Sheen:  Yeah, but you won’t see it because it was a crack about my mom, and I had them cut it out.

On dating –

Charlie Sheen:  I don’t think what you…you could call what I do dating.

JAY LENO’S MONOLOGUE HIGHLIGHTS THURSDAY, SEPTEMBER 15, 2011

I HAD A TERRIBLE DREAM LAST NIGHT – I DREAMED MY CAT WAS SICK AND THE ONLY VETERINARIAN IN TOWN WAS RON PAUL AND I DIDN’T HAVE MY PROOF OF PET INSURANCE CARD.  IT WAS AWFUL.

I GUESS YOU’VE HEARD BY NOW; IN A SPECIAL ELECTION IN NEW YORK CITY, REPUBLICAN BOB TURNER WON ANTHONY WEINER'S CONGRESSIONAL SEAT.  WEINER COULDN'T HOLD ON TO HIS SEAT BECAUSE, AS YOU KNOW, HE WAS TOO BUSY HOLDING ON TO SOMETHING ELSE.  HE WAS NOT ABLE…

NASA NOW says the bright streak of light seen in the skies over the southwest uNITED STATES was a meteor.  witnesses say it dazzlED brightLY, then flamed-out quickly – KIND OF LIKE OBAMA'S presidency.

ACTUALLY some good news for president obama. his approval rating oversees is very high. right now he's more popular oversees than HE IS HERE.  but then he's created more jobs over THERE.  IT KIND OF BALANCES…

A NEW POLL NOW SHOWS THAT A MAJORITY OF AMERICANS NOW BELIEVE THAT SOCIAL SECURITY WILL NOT EXIST WHEN THEIR GRANDCHILDREN ARE READY TO RETIRE.    IN FACT, THE ONLY THING THESE PEOPLE SAY THEY ARE 100% SURE WILL STILL BE AROUND:  LARRY KING.

HAVE YOU HEARD ABOUT THIS NEW BOOK ABOUT SARAH PALIN THAT JUST CAME OUT?  …ONE OF THESE JUICY THINGS.  According to THIS NEW book Sarah Palin, years ago she had a one-night stand with former basketball star Glen Rice. Even more humiliating, Rice saID she quit before the second half.

AND IT’S GETTING CATTY; SHE’S NOW CALLING HIM MINUTE RICE.

A BEAR, HERE IN PLEASANTON CALIFORNIA, BROKE INTO A PRIUS, BROKE THE GEARBOX, FORCING THE CAR INTO NEUTRAL, AND CAUSING IT TO ROLL DOWN THE DRIVEWAY… PICKING UP SPEED AS IT WAS GOING DOWN THE HILL.  HERE’S THE FASCINATING PART; AS THE BEAR WAS BEHIND THE WHEEL, WITNESSES SAID HE HAD THAT SAME SMUG LOOK THAT ALL PRIUS DRIVERS GET.  I WAS SURPRISED.

EIGHT AMISH MEN WERE ARRESTED IN KENTUCKY FOR FAILING TO DISPLAY ORANGE REFLECTING SAFETY TRIANGLES ON THE BACK OF THEIR BUGGIES. THE MEN SAID IT VIOLATES THEIR RELIGIOUS RESTRICTIONS BECAUSE THEY ARE NOT ALLOWED TO DO ANYTHING WHICH MAKES THEM STANDOUT OR DRAW ATTENTION TO THEMSELVES IN A CROWD.  YOU KNOW, LIKE WEARING AMISH CLOTHES AND RIDING A HORSE AND BUGGY ON THE HIGHWAY.  WOULDN’T WANT TO CALL ATTENTION…

the #1 movie in america is "contagion".  IT’S ABOUT a deadly virus that threatens to wipe OUT ALL of humanity.  I don't want to give away the ending, but The only human left ALIVE?  CHARLIE SHEEN.  I WAS AMAZED.