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Ed Helms, Chelsea Kane interviews on Leno (VIDEO)

By April MacIntyre May 19, 2011, 5:12 GMT

03/03/2011 - Ed Helms - "Limitless" Los Angeles Premiere - Arrivals - Arclight Hollywood - Hollywood, CA, USA © Bill R. Ware / PR Photos

Tonight on Jay Leno, actor Ed Helms talks about "Hangover 2" and getting food poisoning in Bangkok and Disney star Chelsea Kane talks about her "Dancing with the Stars" competition.  Iron and Wine perform.

JAY LENO’S MONOLOGUE HIGHLIGHTS WEDNESDAY, MAY 18, 2011

WELL FOLKS, WE’RE IN THAT TELEVISION PERIOD KNOWN AS SWEEPS WHERE SHOWS TRY TO GET HIGHER RATINGS BY HAVING SPECIAL GUEST STARS. LIKE “THE OFFICE” IS GOING TO HAVE JIM CAREY, HE’S GOING TO BE ON THERE.  THE SHOW “BREAKING IN” IS GOING TO HAVE MIKE TYSON AS A SPECIAL GUEST.  ON “MAURY POVICH” ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER IS GOING TO BE STOPPING BY.  “YOU ARE THE FATHER.”

THIS HAS JUST STUNNED THE TOWN.  AS YOU KNOW, ARNOLD SCHWARZENEGGER HAS ACKNOWLEDGED THAT HE FATHERED A CHILD WITH A MEMBER OF HIS HOUSEHOLD STAFF.  ACCORDING TO THE L.A. TIMES, THE WOMAN WORKED IN THE HOUSE FOR TWENTY YEARS AND SHE REPORTED TO MARIA…BUT APPARENTLY WORKED DIRECTLY UNDER ARNOLD…BUT REPORTED TO MARIA.

THE WOMAN RETIRED IN JANUARY AND RECEIVED A SEVERANCE PACKAGE. HOW MANY THINK MARIA SHOULD SEVER ARNOLD’S PACKAGE?

AT THE TIME THIS ALL WENT DOWN THE WOMAN WAS MARRIED.  I GUESS HER HUSBAND FIRST GOT SUSPICIOUS WHEN HE REALIZED SHE WAS THE FIRST MAID TO MAKE $1 MILLION A YEAR.  WHICH IS VERY GOOD FOR BRENTWOOD.

ANYWAY, ARNOLD KEPT THIS SECRET FOR MORE THAN TEN YEARS.  YOU KNOW HOW HE DID IT?  HE MOVED THE WOMAN AND CHILD INTO AN APARTMENT RIGHT DOWN THE STREET FROM THAT PAKISTANI MILITARY ACADEMY.  I THINK OSAMA WAS THREE DOORS UP AND THEY WERE DOWN…  NOBODY SAID A WORD.

REPUBLICAN PRESIDENTIAL CANDIDATE MITT ROMNEY RAISED OVER TEN MILLION DOLLARS IN JUST EIGHT HOURS THIS WEEK.  SO DID THE GUY WHO OWNS THE GAS STATION NEAR MY HOUSE.  IT’S NOT THAT BIG OF A DEAL.

TEN MILLION DOLLARS; THAT’S A DOLLAR FOR EVERY POSITION HE’S HAD ON HEALTH CARE.  THAT’S AMAZING.

PRESIDENT OBAMA MET WITH THE KING OF JORDAN YESTERDAY. OF COURSE SARAH PALIN COULDN’T WAIT TO CRITICIZE.  SHE SAID SHE SAID, "WE'RE IN A FINANCIAL CRISIS AND HE'S TALKING BASKETBALL?  THAT’S CRAZY."

MEXICAN AUTHORITIES TODAY PULLED OVER TWO HUGH TRACTOR TRAILERS AT THE U.S. BORDER, AND A SEARCH OF THE TRUCKS FOUND OVER 500 IMMIGRANTS STUFFED INSIDE.  ALL OF THEM HOUSEKEEPERS HOPING TO HAVE A BABY WITH ARNOLD.  THEY ARE ALL COMING UP HERE.

ACCORDING TO “PREVENTION” MAGAZINE, 1O% OF AMERICANS HAVE FALLEN OUT OF BED DURING SEX.  HERE’S THE EMBARRASSING PART; THEY WERE ALONE AT THE TIME.  THAT’S THE WORST.

EVANSVILLE, INDIANA, HAS BEEN FOUND TO BE THE MOST OBESE CITY IN THE UNITED STATES.  IN FACT, IN THEIR POLICE STATION, THE JAIL CELLS DON’T HAVE BARS – THEY JUST KEEP THE PRISONERS AT THE BOTTOM OF A FLIGHT OF STAIRS.