Smallscreen News

Kirstie Alley and Jon 'Bones' Jones interview with Leno, (VIDEO)

By April MacIntyre Mar 25, 2011, 2:45 GMT

Kirstie Alley - New York City, NY, USA © Janet Mayer / PR Photos

Current "Dancing with the Stars' contestant Kirstie Alley and Jon "Bones" Jones get a little flirty with Jay Leno tonight. Also, Peter Bjorn and John perform.

JAY LENO’S MONOLOGUE HIGHLIGHTS THURSDAY, MARCH 24, 2011

DID YOU HEAR ABOUT THIS?  TWO COMMERCIAL AIRLINERS LANDED AT REAGAN NATIONAL AIRPORT WITHOUT ASSISTANCE THE OTHER NIGHT BECAUSE THERE IS ONLY ONE AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLER IN THE TOWER AND HE WAS ASLEEP. ONE GUY AND HE WAS ASLEEP!  WELL, THAT OFTEN HAPPENS IN SMALL RURAL TOWNS LIKE WASHINGTON, D.C.

THE PILOTS HAD NO ASSISTANCE FROM THE TOWER.  LUCKILY, THEY WERE TOO DRUNK TO NOTICE ANYTHING WAS WRONG.

WHAT’S GOING ON WITH AIR TRAVEL?  YOU HAVE PILOTS FALLING ASLEEP, AIR TRAFFIC CONTROLLERS FALLING ASLEEP. THE ONLY PEOPLE WHO CAN'T FALL ASLEEP ARE THE PASSENGERS.  THE ONLY PEOPLE…

I GUESS WE ARE IN THE MIDDLE…WELL A COUPLE OF WEEKS INTO LENT.  SOME PEOPLE GIVE UP MEAT, SOME PEOPLE GIVE UP DRINKING.  PRESIDENT OBAMA IS GIVING UP CONFERRING WITH CONGRESS.  WE ALL OBSERVE DIFFERENTLY.  WE ALL DO IT DIFFERENTLY.

SPEAKER JOHN BOEHNER COMPLAINED THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA ORDERED THE U.S. MILITARY INTO COMBAT IN LIBYA WITHOUT CLEARLY DEFINING THE MISSION TO THE AMERICAN PEOPLE AND CONGRESS. APPARENTLY YOU'RE ONLY ALLOWED TO DO THAT WHEN INVADING IRAQ.

EXACTLY 17 DAYS AFTER NEWT GINGRICH DEMANDED PRESIDENT OBAMA SHOULD ESTABLISH A NO-FLY ZONE OVER LIBYA; HE IS NOW ATTACKING PRESIDENT OBAMA FOR IMPOSING A NO-FLY ZONE OVER LIBYA.  IT'S LIKE NEWT'S POLICY ON ADULTERY—HE CAN'T MAKE UP HIS MIND.

THE PRESIDENT REALLY HAS HIS HANDS FULL…HIGH UNEMPLOYMENT AT HOME HERE, WE GOT GAS PRICES SKYROCKETING.  BUT THERE IS GOOD NEWS FOR THE PRESIDENT.  HIS NCAA BRACKETS ARE LOOKING GREAT!

THERE'S A RUMOR THAT CBS HAS OFFERED CHARLIE SHEEN HIS OLD JOB BACK ON "TWO AND A HALF MEN". TO WHICH CHARLIE SHEEN SAID, "I WAS ON 'TWO AND A HALF MEN'?"

I DON’T KNOW WHAT’S GOING ON THERE.  CHARLIE IS NOW TRYING TO KEEP HIS LEGAL BATTLE WITH WARNER BROTHERS IN THE COURTS.  HE WANTS IT OUT OF ARBITRATION. THEY SAID, “YOU HAVE TO GO TO ARBITRATION.”  HE SAID NO, HE WANTS A PUBLIC TRIAL.  HE DOES NOT WANT THIS THING SETTLED BEHIND CLOSED DOORS.  HE WANTS IT ALL DONE IN PUBLIC.  I’D HATE TO SEE CHARLIE’S LIFE BECOME SOME SORT OF A SPECTACLE.

IN HAPPIER NEWS; IN ORANGE COUNTY A 1OO YEAR OLD MAN MARRIED HIS 93 YEAR OLD GIRLFRIEND. OF COURSE, TROUBLE ALREADY; I GUESS SHE WANTS KIDS AND HE WANTS TO WAIT.  THE OLD STORY.

SAMMY HAGAR IS ON NEXT WEEK.  HE HAS A NEW BOOK OUT.  SAMMY, IN HIS NEW BOOK, SAYS THAT HE WAS ONCE ABDUCTED BY ALIENS.  BUT THE GOOD NEWS IS IF THE ALIENS REALLY DID ABDUCT SAMMY HAGAR IT PROVES THEY ARE NOT NEARLY AS ADVANCED AS WE PREVIOUSLY THOUGHT.  SO WE HAVE NOTHING TO FEAR.

DONALD TRUMP HAS BEEN INVITED TO DRIVE THE PACE CAR IN THIS YEAR'S INDY 500.  DONALD TRUMP!  IMAGINE HIM WITH "HELMET HAIR"?  HOW BAD WOULD THAT LOOK?  WHAT’S THAT GOING TO BE LIKE?

MORE PROBLEMS FOR HUGH HEFNER AND HIS YOUNG FIANCÉE—THE NEW YORK POST REPORTING THAT 24 YEAR OLD CRYSTAL HARRIS WAS SPOTTED FLIRTING WITH A YOUNGER MAN. ABE VIGODA

I HATE TO END ON A SAD NOTE – THIS IS KIND OF INTERESTING; HARRY HOUDINI, THE FAMOUS MAGICIAN, HE’S LAST SURVIVING STAGE ASSISTANT, A WOMAN NAMED DOROTHY YOUNG, PASSED AWAY AT AGE 103. SHE WAS HIS LAST ASSISTANT.  HER FINAL WORDS?  TADA!