Betty White and True Blood? Jay Leno previews for Aug. 3

JAY LENO’S MONOLOGUE HIGHLIGHTS

TUESDAY, AUGUST 3, 2010

WE WANT TO CONGRATULATE THE UNIVERSITY OF GEORGIA.  THEY HAVE BEEN NAMED BY THE PRINCETON REVIEW AS THE NATIONS NUMBER ONE PARTY SCHOOL.  HOW ABOUT THAT?  GIVE YOU AN IDEA BIG OF A PARTY SCHOOL THEY ARE; THEIR MASCOT IS LINDSAY LOHAN.  THAT IS THE SCHOOL MASCOT.

AS YOU KNOW, LINDSAY WAS RELEASED FROM JAIL THE OTHER NIGHT AT 1:35 IN THE MORNING.  SHE WENT STRAIGHT TO VIDEO -- I MEAN STRAIGHT TO REHAB.  I WAS THINKING MOVIES.

DO YOU KNOW THAT THE PREMIER OF “JERSEY SHORE” WAS THE MOST WATCHED CABLE PROGRAM OF THE YEAR.  THE BAD NEWS?  THE PREMIER OF “JERSEY SHORE” WAS THE MOST WATCHED CABLE PROGRAM OF THE YEAR.

THERE IS A RUMOR FLOATING AROUND THAT BRETT FAVRE IS GETTING READY TO RETIRE.  SO YOU KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?  HE’S PLAYING AGAIN!  YEAH!

I THINK HE IS GOING TO RETIRE THIS TIME.  HE SAID HE WANTS TO SPEND MORE TIME WITH HIS GREAT GREAT GRANDCHILDREN.

DO YOU THINK HE SHOULD RETIRE?  HE IS GREAT, BUT THERE WERE SIGNS THAT HE’S GETTING UP THERE.  LIKE LAST SEASON WHEN HE WOULD GET INTO A HUDDLE AND GO, "WHAT DID I COME IN HERE FOR?" 

HOUSE SPEAKER NANCY PELOSI SAID THAT WHEN IT COMES TO CLEANING UP GOVERNMENT, THE DEMOCRATS HAVE DRAINED THE SWAMP.  THEY ONLY PROBLEM WITH THAT IS; YOU KNOW WHAT YOU HAVE LEFT AFTER YOU DRAIN THE SWAMP—SNAKES.  SNAKES EVERYWHERE!

AL GORE GOT SOME GOOD NEWS.  PORTLAND POLICE SAID THAT WHATEVER DID HAPPEN IN THE ROOM WITH THAT MASSEUSE, DID NOT RISE TO THE LEVEL OF A CRIMINAL CASE.  THAT’S WHAT HE SAID.  ANYWAY, IT LOOKS LIKE AL GORE GOT A HAPPY ENDING AFTER ALL. 

SARAH PALIN WENT AFTER PRESIDENT OBAMA SAYING HE DID NOT HAVE THE COJONES TO DEAL WITH THE IMMIGRATION ISSUE.  SARAH NEEDS TO BE A LITTLE CAREFUL HERE.  LAST TIME A GUY HAD COJONES THAT REALLY WORKED, SHE ENDED UP A GRANDMOTHER.

SPEAKING OF THAT, IT WAS ANNOUNCED THAT BRISTOL PALIN AND LEVI JOHNSTON HAVE BROKE UP.  THESE TWO HAVE CALLED IT QUITS MORE TIME THAN BRETT FAVRE. 

SCIENTISTS SAID TODAY THAT A BLAST OF CHARGED PARTICLES FROM THE SUN IS HURTLING TOWARD THE EARTH AND SHOULD REACH US IN A COUPLE DAYS.  HOW TANNED WILL THE CAST OF "JERSEY SHORE" BE AFTER THAT?

AS YOU KNOW, CHELSEA CLINTON GOT MARRIED OVER THE WEEKEND.  THE WEDDING WAS OFFICIATED BY A RABBI AND A METHODIST MINISTER. ONE AWKWARD MOMENT, WHEN THE MINISTER SAID, "DO YOU PROMISE TO LOVE, CHERISH AND OBEY EACH OTHER..." BILL TURNED TO HILLARY AND SAID, “WAS THAT IN OUR VOWS?”

THEY BOOK WE HAVE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR.  JUSTIN BIEBER ANNOUNCED HE IS WRITING HIS MEMOIRS.  YOU KNOW SOMETHING, I HOPE HE DOESN’T FORGET THE EARLY YEARS.  THAT’S THE PART I’M INTERESTED IN.  YOU KNOW…HOW DID HE GET STARTED.