By April MacIntyre Jan 22, 2010, 2:31 GMT
NBC sent us tonight's round-up from the late night chatters Jay Leno and soon to be departed Conan O'Brien.
Jay Leno and Hugh Jackman - © Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos
Leno made the below comments regarding today's announcements at the end of tonight's monologue. The full monologue follows:
Jay said: "NBC and Conan O'Brien made an announcement earlier today that Conan will be leaving the network. His final show airs tomorrow night. I have chosen to stay on the Titanic. I don't believe the iceberg is that big, the biggest ship, this ship will never sink and Kev...when it does, Kev as it's sinking you will play us...you'll be here for us so. Apparently we'll be back on "The Tonight Show" March first after the Olympics, so that's pretty much where we are."
Also below please find Zoe Saldana quotes from tonight's Ten @ Ten on The Jay Leno Show: Zoe Saldana participated in a Ten @ Ten tonight and talked about pick-up lines, tattoos and skinny dipping: Leno: When was the last time you went skinny dipping and who was it with?
Saldana: Alabama, I went for fried chicken wings and cheap karaoke with an actress that shall remain nameless and after the night was done we went to an artificial pond to go skinny dipping. The mud was like up to our thighs and it wasn't cool at all. Leno: Do you have any tattoos and were you sober when you got them?
Saldana: Yes, I have tattoos and I was sober for half of them. Leno: What is the worst pick-up line someone has tried to use on you?
Saldana: Yo shorty come over here let me talk to you. Leno: Have you ever stolen anything?
Saldana: Mom, I'm sorry. I did, I did. When I was six years old I stole a pack of erasers and she made me return them. But then I went the next week and I stole some gum and stuff. Leno: You worked with Britney Spears in the movie "Cross Roads" -- Where did you shoot that Movie?
Saldana: LA and in Louisiana too.
Leno Oh not Alabama, damn! Okay.... Zoe's episode airs tonight on NBC.
THE JAY LENO SHOW THURSDAY, JANUARY 21, 2010
THANK YOU FOR COMING ON SUCH A MISERABLE, RAINY DAY. FOR THOSE OF YOU WATCHING AT HOME, TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA WHAT THE WEATHER IS LIKE HERE, IT'S ALMOST AS GLOOMY OUTSIDE NBC AS IT IS INSIDE NBC.
I DON’T THINK PEOPLE IN L.A. HAVE SEEN THIS MUCH WATER SINCE THE OCTOMOM GAVE BIRTH.
YOU KNOW IT HAILED IN LOS ANGELES. HAIL! PEOPLE HERE THOUGHT IT WAS RAINING CRACK! THEY DIDN’T KNOW WHAT IS.
IN FACT, IT HAS BEEN SO COLD AND RAINY HERE IN LOS ANGELES BIRDS STAYED IN THEIR BIRDHOUSES ALL DAY AND JUST TWEETED EACH OTHER. THAT’S HOW BAD.
IN POLITICAL NEWS…THE BIG UPSET. A REPUBLICAN WAS ELECTED TO THE U.S. SENATE IN MASSACHUSETTS -FILLING THE SEAT ONCE HELD BY TED KENNEDY. THIS COULD "TIP" THAT DELICATE BALANCE OF POWER IN THE U.S. SENATE FROM THE COMPLETELY INCOMPETENT BACK TO THE MORALLY CORRUPT. YOU DON’T KNOW WHICH WAY IT IS GOING TO GO.
DID YOU KNOW SCOTT BROWN POSED NAKED FOR COSMO BACK WHEN HE WAS A LAW STUDENT. POSED NAKED! BACK THEN GOP STOOD FOR "GRAND OL PACKAGE." IT WAS A WHOLE DIFFERENT THING.
IT’S THURSDAY, JANUARY 21ST, OR AS JOHN EDWARDS CALLS IT, FATHER’S DAY.
JOHN EDWARDS HAS FINALLY ADMITTED HE IS THE FATHER OF REILLE HUNTERS BABY. HE ISSUED A STATEMENT. WHO WAS THIS STATEMENT FOR? THE ONLY PERSON WHO DOESN'T KNOW HE'S THE FATHER OF REILLE HUNTERS BABY IS REILLE HUNTER'S BABY. THE BABY IS THE ONLY ONE WHO DOESN’T KNOW.
THIS IS PRETTY SLEAZY. ACCORDING TO EDWARD'S FORMER AID ANDREW YOUNG SAYS IN AN UPCOMING INTERVIEW THAT EDWARDS ASKED HIM TO STEAL A DIAPER FROM THE BABY SO HE COULD DO A DNA TEST. APPARENTLY THE TEST SHOWED THAT BOTH THE DIAPER AND JOHN EDWARDS WAS FULL OF CRAP.
FOLKS, IT’S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR “HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?” YOU KNOW WHAT IS GOING TO HAPPEN. YOU KNOW IT’S COMING. THE QUESTION IS, “HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?” (DROP-IN: GUYS SLIDING ON A FROZEN PING PONG TABLE/LAST GUY FALLS) COUPLE OF GUYS AND A PING PONG TABLE. THAT’S PRETTY GOOD. THAT’S A LITTLE SHAKY. LETS SEE WHAT HAPPENS WITH THE THIRD GUY….THERE YOU GO.
HERE IS SOMETHING FASCINATING. RESEARCHERS IN GERMANY HAVE DISCOVERED THAT MONKEYS CAN DO SIMPLE MATH. THEIR BRAINS ARE ACTUALLY HARDWIRED FOR SIMPLE MATH -- NOT COMPLEX MATH LIKE HUMANS CAN GRASP. FOR EXAMPLE, MONKEYS COULD NEVER RUN UP A TRILLION DOLLAR NATIONAL DEBT. MONKEYS ARE SMART ENOUGH TO PAY THEIR BILLS AT THE END OF THE MONTH AND NOT SPEND ANYMORE UNTIL THEY HAVE MORE MONEY.
A NUMBER OF STATES HAVE SET UP PROGRAMS FOR PEOPLE TO DISPOSE OF UNUSED PRESCRIPTIONS. THEY'RE TRYING TO DISCOURAGE PEOPLE FROM FLUSHING DRUGS DOWN THE TOILET, BECAUSE THE DRUGS ARE TURNING UP IN OUR DRINKING WATER. I DON'T KNOW WHAT’S MORE DISTURBING, THE FACT THAT DRUGS ARE ENDING UP IN OUR DRINKING WATER OR THAT FLUSHED TOILETS ARE ENDING UP IN OUR DRINKING WATER. I DON’T KNOW WHICH ONE IS MORE DISGUSTING.
STARBUCKS ANNOUNCED THIS WEEK THAT THEY ARE RAISING THEIR PRICES. WHO CAN BLAME THEM? HAVE YOU SEEN COST OF HOT WATER THESE DAYS? COME ON.
A NEW WEIGHT LOSS STUDY OUT THIS WEEK SHOWS THAT THE MORE COMPLEX THE DIET PLAN THE SOONER PEOPLE WILL GO OFF IT. DO YOU THINK THAT HAS ANYTHING TO DO WITH IT? HOW COMPLEX THE PLAN IS? THINK ABOUT IT. THE REASON THEY CAME OUT WITH ALL THESE COMPLEX PLANS IS BECAUSE PEOPLE COULDN'T FOLLOW THE SIMPLY PLAN, "STOP EATING.”
FEDERAL OFFICIALS ARE NOW ACCUSING TWO TRUCK DRIVERS OF STEALING OVER $200,000 WORTH OF RED BULL ENERGY DRINK FROM A NAVAL FACILITY IN TENNESSEE. POLICE PULLED THEM OVER DOING 95 MPH, AND THEY WERE ON FOOT.
IN CHICAGO, AN OFF DUTY POLICEMAN HAD HIS NIPPLE BITTEN OFF BY A MAN WHEN HE ATTEMPTED TO STOP A FIGHT. THE POLICE OFFICER SAID HE WAS GLAD THE GUY WASN'T A DWARF.
TIGER WOODS IS REPORTEDLY IN SEX REHAB DOWN IN MISSISSIPPI. THEY SAID TIGER IS STAYING IN AN EXCLUSIVE SEX REHAB CLINIC, IN A PRIVATE SUITE, WHERE HE GETS "MAID SERVICE". YOU KNOW WHO I FEEL SORRY FOR AT THIS SEX CLINIC? THE MAID. THINK HOW UNATTRACTIVE YOU MUST HAVE TO BE WHEN YOU GO IN FOR THAT JOB… "NOBODY IS GOING TO HIT ON YOUR. YOU CAN START TOMORROW.” SEE WHAT I’M SAYING…
SEX REHAB IS A LITTLE DIFFERENT DOWN IN MISSISSIPPI. WHAT THEY DO THERE IS JUST KEEP SHOWING YOU SCENES FROM "DELIVERANCE" OVER AND OVER AGAIN. THAT WILL CURE YOU.
JUST WEEKS AWAY FROM THE OLYMPICS. NBC HAS BEEN RUNNING PROMO AFTER PROMO. HERE’S THE LATEST ONE. THESE ARE SO INSPIRING. (DROP-IN: OLYMPIC HOCKEY PROMO/HOCKEY PLAYER KNOCKS OTHER TEAM PLAYER DOWN)
IS IT ME OR THE WOMEN ON “THE BACHELOR” STARTING TO GET A LITTLE TESTY. DID YOU SEE THE OTHER NIGHT? THAT ONE WOMEN GOT SO JEALOUS. SHE JUST TOOK IT A LITTLE TOO FAR. TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: BACHELOR HELICOPTER RIDE/ BLOND WOMEN SHOTS IT DOWN)
HERE IS SOMETHING HISTORIC. THE SHADY LADY BROTHEL IN NEVADA NOW HAS THE FIRST LEGAL MALE PROSTITUTE IN AMERICA. NOW LADIES, IF YOU ARE INTERESTED IN GOING TO THE MALE PROSTITUTE, WE HAVE HIS PRICES FOR YOU. FOR $50 HE WILL TALK DIRTY TO YOU. FOR $100 HE WILL HAVE SEX WITH YOU…AND FOR $200 HE WILL LISTEN TO YOU! AT LEAST HALF THE CROWD LIKED IT.
TWENTY-EIGHT YEARS AGO THIS WEEK THE CAMCORDER WAS INVENTED. AND TWENTY EIGHT YEARS AGO TODAY WAS THE FIRST GUY SAID "HONEY, OF COURSE I’M NOT GOING TO SHOW IT TO ANYBODY. THIS IS JUST FOR US."
THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN MONOLOGUE: Thursday, January 21, 2010
I’m Conan O’Brien, future Donkey Kong champion.
Many of you have probably heard the news. NBC and I have finally reached a separation agreement. I knew it was official this morning when NBC dropped off all my CDs and picked up its lava lamp.
As you all know by now, tomorrow is our last show here. I’d like to apologize to the guests that were scheduled for next week: President Barack Obama, the Pope, the Queen of England, and our good friend, Elvis Presley.
You know, I’ve been with NBC for a really long time. Remember the Cosby show? I was Rudy!
I thought about something today – over the years I’ve made a lot of fun of Ryan Seacrest, Larry King, Spencer Pratt, Geraldo, David Hasselhoff, Kirstie Alley and Donald Trump. And here’s the messed up thing, they all still have shows.
All kidding aside it was announced today that last night NBC and I reached an agreement and tomorrow night will be the very last “Tonight Show with Conan O’Brien.” Obviously this was not our first choice, but I’m determined to make the best of this situation. So here’s the plan. Tonight and tomorrow night we’re going to have a lot of fun on television. We have amazing guests stopping by. We have some really fun surprises planned. So tune in and let’s enjoy this... NBC and I hammered out an agreement for wrapping up my time here as host of the Tonight Show. The general terms of the contract are all over the Internet. But there are some provisions in the contract you may not know about:
-I am prohibited from coming within 500 yards of 11:30.
-I must return the Etch-A-Sketch my contract was written on.
-I’m not allowed to make fun of NBC programming. I have to let the programming speak for itself.
-The cop who escorts me off the lot after my last show must have the rank of lieutenant or higher.
-Max Weinberg must surrender his key to the women’s locker room at the NBC gym.
-Have to watch at least one NBC show every weeknight in order to double ratings.
-Effective today, NBC will stop paying for Andy Richter’s medical marijuana, and medical Jack Daniels.
-Must stop production on my documentary expose of NBC: "Inside the 'Cock."
Your Talkback on this Story