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Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien full monologue transcripts for January 20

By April MacIntyre Jan 21, 2010, 2:57 GMT

Conan O\'Brien - © Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos

NBC sent us the full transcripts for Jay and Conan, and shared that on Thursday, January 21, Conan will host Robin Williams and musical guest Barry Manilow, and Friday, January 22 Coco will have on Tom Hanks, Will Ferrell and musical guest Neil Young.

Check this blast from the past out:

Letterman exacts his pound of flesh:

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN: Wednesday, January 20, 2010

Hello, I’m Conan O’Brien, sorry if I’m a little late…I had a job interview at Lady Foot Locker.

I should have known something was up when NBC sent me that 2010 calendar that only went up to January.

Over the past week, ratings for the “Tonight Show” are up by 50%.  When NBC executives heard this they told me, “See, you really don’t fit in around here.”

This whole experience has been so surreal.  I never thought I’d be jealous of the long, illustrious run that NBC gave “Joey.”

It’s been reported that before I agree to a final settlement with this network I want to make sure NBC takes care of my staff.  At first they thought I was gullible – they said the staff would be taken to a big farm where they’d be allowed to run free forever.

On Friday, Northwestern University is holding a “Conan O’Brien Day” where a group of students will gather on campus and do the string dance.  Then the football team will beat the crap out of them.

I’ve been having a hard time explaining this whole situation to my kids – because they’re still very young.  So I had a doll made of myself – and now I can show my kids EXACTLY where NBC touched daddy.

Believe it or not, there are stories in the news.  There was a big Senate race in Massachusetts yesterday, and the winner, Scott Brown, made a victory speech where he mentioned that his two daughters were “available.”  At least this explains his campaign slogan: “Scott Brown: Creepy for Massachusetts – Creepy for America.”

Earlier this week in California, a goat somehow got into a strip club and caused $2,000 worth of damage.  Then it got up on stage – and earned all that money back.

Madonna has been consulting doctors about conceiving another child at the age of 51.  After examining her, the fertility doctors all say the same thing to Madonna – "What the hell happened to that thing?"

I’ve been trying to look on the bright side and make the best of a tough situation.  Even though I had this job for only 7 months, in the world of entertainment, that’s actually a pretty long time   In fact, I came up with a list of things in Hollywood that lasted less than 7 months:

-Kid Rock’s marriage to Pamela Anderson: 5 months

-Popularity of the “Leave Britney Alone Guy”: 4 months

-Ed Hardy T-shirts being cool, not tacky: 5.5 months

-The plot of “Lost” being vaguely comprehensible: 3 months.

-Joan Rivers’ 17th face: 6 weeks.

-Interest in Denise Richards’ side of the story: 18 hours.

-Gary Busey’s love affair with an Encino parking meter: 44 days.

-Lindsay Lohan’s first and third stints as a lesbian: 3 months & 5 months.

-The Masturbating Bear’s disappearance from the airwaves: 6 months 29 days...

THE JAY LENO SHOW  WEDNESDAY, JANUARY 20, 2010

WHAT A RAINSTORM WE HAD HERE IN LOS ANGELES.  YOU KNOW WHAT I LOVE ABOUT L.A.?  DRIVING TO WORK IN THE RAIN AND SEEING EVERYBODY’S AUTOMATIC SPRINKLERS STILL GOING.  SHOWS YOU WE ARE SO IN SYNC WITH NATURE.

IN FACT, BECAUSE OF THE RAIN IN BARSTOW, ALL THE CRYSTAL METH LABS HAD TO BE MOVED TO HIGHER GROUND.

OF COURSE, THIS RAIN COULDN’T HAVE COME AT A WORST POSSIBLE TIME.  TODAY WAS THE DAY NBC WAS SUPPOSED TO BURN DOWN THE STUDIO FOR THE INSURANCE MONEY…

IT’S HARD TO BELIEVE THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA HAS NOW BEEN IN OFFICE FOR A YEAR AND IT'S INCREDIBLE; HE TOOK SOMETHING THAT WAS IN TERRIBLE SHAPE AND BROUGHT IT BACK FROM THE BRINK OF DISASTER.  THE REPUBLICAN PARTY.

YOU KNOW THAT QUESTION "WHAT CAN BROWN DO FOR YOU?" APPARENTLY HE CAN STOP THE DEMOCRATS' HEALTH CARE PLAN.

BIG UPSET VICTORY, REPUBLICAN SCOTT BROWN DEFEATED DEMOCRAT MARTHA CHOKE-LEY…I MEAN COAKLEY…FOR TED KENNEDY’S SEAT IN MASSACHUSETTS.  IN FACT, PRESIDENT OBAMA CALLED COAKLEY AND SAID, “WELL, WE CAN’T WIN THEM ALL.”  SAME THINGS HE SAID AFTER THE NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR’S RACE, THE VIRGINIA GOVERNOR’S RACE, THE 2016 OLYMPIC BID, AND THE COPENHAGEN CLIMATE SUMMIT.  BETWEEN ALL OF THEM IT’S BEEN A ROUGH COUPLE OF WEEKS.

THE DEMOCRATS HAD A NUMBER OF EXPLANATIONS AS TO WHY THEY LOST TED KENNEDY’S SEAT.  THE WHITE HOUSE SAID TODAY THAT SCOTT BROWN WON BECAUSE HE WON A CLEAVER CAMPAIGN.  HARRY REID SAID HE WON BECAUSE HE WAS A LIGHT SKINNED BROWN WITH NO NEGRO ACCENT.  THAT’S WHAT HARRY REID SAID.

SARAH PALIN WILL BE A VIP GUEST AT NEXT MONTH'S DAYTONA 5OO. SHE WON'T HAVE ANY OFFICIAL ROLE. SO IT'LL BE JUST LIKE WHEN SHE RAN FOR VICE PRESIDENT.

JERRY SANDERS, THE MAYOR OF SAN DIEGO, SAID THIS WEEK THAT HIS VIEWS ON GAY MARRIAGE HAVE "EVOLVED" OVER TIME.  HE SAID HE USED TO BE AGAINST GAY MARRIAGE, BUT NOW HE'S IN FAVOR OF IT…  SO IT SOUNDS LIKE SOMEBODY HAD A HELL OF A WEEKEND! 

“THE ADVOCATE”, AMERICA’S LEADING GAY MAGAZINE RANKS ATLANTA AS THE GAYEST CITY IN AMERICA.  RIGHT NOW SAN FRANCISCO IS GOING, “WHAT DO WE HAVE TO DO…?  HELLO!  PLEASE!”

MORE PROBLEMS FOR NEW YORK GOVERNOR DAVID PATTERSON—HE DROVE ACROSS THE BRIDGE TO NEW JERSEY, APPARENTLY HE HAD AN INTIMATE LUNCH WITH A 34 YEAR OLD MARRIED WOMAN AND EYEWITNESSES SAY HE WAS CUDDLING HER AND KISSING HER NECK.  I THINK THE GOVERNOR IS A LITTLE CONFUSED—JUST BECAUSE HE'S LEGALLY BLIND DOESN'T MEAN WE CAN'T SEE HIM.

NEW JERSEY GOVERNOR JON CORZINE HAS SIGNED LEGISLATION MAKING MARIJUANA LEGAL.  FINALLY, A REASON TO LIVE IN NEW JERSEY.

OFFICIALS FROM THE SAN ONOFRE NUCLEAR REACTOR SAID THE WARNING SIREN THAT WENT OFF YESTERDAY WAS JUST A MALFUNCTION AND NO ONE SHOULD WORRY. HEY, I WORRY, IF THEY CAN'T EVEN GET THE SIREN TO WORK RIGHT, WHAT THE HELL ARE THEY DOING WITH THE REACTOR?

AMERICAN AIRLINES, THIS WEEK, RAISED THEIR FEES FOR CHECKED BAGS.  THEY NOW SAY IT'LL COST YOU TWENTY-FIVE DOLLARS FOR THEM TO LOSE YOUR FIRST BAG AND THIRTY-FIVE DOLLARS TO LOSE EVERY BAG AFTER THAT.

AN ORGANIZATION OF ALLERGISTS IS NOW WARNING PEOPLE THEY MAY BE ALLERGIC TO ALCOHOL AND NOT EVEN KNOW IT. THEY SAID ONE OF THE SYMPTOMS IS AFTER A NIGHT OF DRINKING YOU WAKE UP THE NEXT DAY WITH A RASH. LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING. IF YOU WAKE UP WITH A RASH FROM A NIGHT OF DRINKING, ALLERGIES ARE THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS.  THAT IS THE LEAST OF YOUR PROBLEMS.

IT’S TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR WHAT I CALL “COUNTRY OR MAURY.”  I’M GOING TO SHOW YOU A TITLE AND YOU HAVE TO GUESS WHETHER IT’S A COUNTRY MUSIC SONG OR A MAURY POVICH SHOW TOPIC.  LETS TAKE A LOOK.  (DROP-IN: “SHE GOT THE RING, I GOT THE FINGER.”)  HOW MANY THINK IT’S COUNTRY?  HOW MANY THINK IT’S THE MAURY POVICH SHOW?  LETS TAKE A LOOK.  IT’S COUNTRY!

JAMES CAMERON IS ON THE SHOW TONIGHT.  HE HAS ANNOUNCED PLANS FOR AN AVATAR SEQUEL. THIS ONE WILL BE SET 126 YEARS IN THE FUTURE. ABOUT THE SAME TIME NBC FIGURES OUT WHAT THEY ARE GOING TO DO WITH LATE NIGHT

LETTERMAN HAS BEEN HAMMERING ME EVERY NIGHT.  GOING AFTER ME…  HEY KEV, YOU KNOW THE BEST WAY TO GET LETTERMAN TO IGNORE YOU?  MARRY HIM.  HE WILL NOT BOTHER YOU.  HE WON’T LOOK YOU IN THE EYE…  HERE WE GO…GET THE RIDE GOING.

STARBUCKS ANNOUNCED THAT THEY ARE NOW RAISING THE PRICES OF ITS MORE COMPLICATED DRINKS BY AS MUCH AS 33%. IN FACT A "VENTI" SIZED MOCHA IS NOW TWENTY-EIGHT HUNDRED DOLLARS.

ISN’T THAT AMAZING?  PEOPLE HAVE TO PAY EVEN MORE AT STARBUCKS.  IF ONLY SOMEBODY COULD FIGURE OUT HOW TO MAKE COFFEE AT HOME FOR FREE.  IF ONLY THERE WAS A MACHINE…

DID YOU SEE “AMERICAN IDOL” LAST NIGHT?  I DON’T KNOW, SIMON IS GETTING TESTY.  I KNOW THIS IS HIS LAST YEAR ON THE SHOW BUT…  HE SEEMS TO BE ELIMINATING PEOPLE A LOT SOONER.  TAKE A LOOK.  (DROP-IN: SIMON SHOOTS CONTESTANT)

AT&T HAS A NEW PLAN WHERE YOU CAN TALK ON YOUR CELL PHONE, SEND TEXT MESSAGES, AND SURF THE WEB ALL AT THE SAME TIME.  IN FACT, IT EVEN COMES WITH A FIRST AID KIT SO YOU CAN STOP THE BLEEDING WHEN YOU SMASH YOUR CAR INTO A TREE.

A NEW STUDY JUST PUBLISHED THIS WEEK SHOWS THAT ERECTILE DYSFUNCTION CAN INCREASE RISK OF A HEART ATTACK BY 40%. YEAH, THAT SHOULD HELP YOU GET IT UP GUYS…. KNOWING IF YOU DON’T YOU’RE GOING TO HAVE A HEART ATTACK!  GOOD TO KNOW.

A COURT IN SCOTLAND HAS ORDERED A 21-YEAR-OLD MAN TO STAY OUT OF PUBLIC PARKS AFTER HE GOT CAUGHT HAVING SEX WITH A TREE.   YOU KNOW WHAT HE WAS CHARGED WITH –LUMBERJACKING.