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Jay Leno and Conan O'Brien full monologue transcripts for January 19

By April MacIntyre Jan 20, 2010, 4:08 GMT

Conan O\'Brien - © Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos

NBC sent M&C the full transcripts for Jay and Conan for January 19.

Tonight, "The Jay Leno Show" welcomed comedian and late night host Chelsea Handler to the studio and basketball great Michael Jordan joining via satellite for a "Ten @ Ten." 

Both stars joked about the current late night headlines.

Chelsea Handler appeared on THE JAY LENO SHOW tonight sporting a Team Ellen hat.  She told the audience that she won't take sides until she knows who's getting "The Tonight Show" and she'll start her "ass kissing then."

She did say Leno has always been like a father to her, "Well, I mean a father that wants to have sex with his daughter, but a father none the less."

Michael Jordan was on 'Ten @ Ten':

When Leno asked, “A, B or C – Trash talking is most popular in a: The NBA, B: The NFL, C: Late Night TV?”  Without hesitation the star athlete answered, “Late Night TV, based on what I been hearing, by far their the best.”

THE JAY LENO SHOW  - TUESDAY, JANUARY 19, 2010

THANK YOU FOR COMING OUT ON SUCH A COLD, RAINY DAY.  TO ME THIS IS THE PERFECT INFOMERCIAL KIND OF DAY— YOU DRY OFF WITH A SHAM WOW, WRAP YOURSELF IN A SNUGGIE WITH YOUR WIFE, AND SEE IF THOSE EXTENZE PILLS REALLY WORK.

THERE WERE SO MANY RAIN CLOUDS TODAY I COULDN’T SEE THE USUAL DARK CLOUD HANGING OVER NBC.

IT WAS SO WET GILBERT ARENAS PULLED A WATER PISTOL ON HIS TEAMMATES.  THAT’S HOW WET.

IT WAS SO WET, FOR THE FIRST TIME EVER, SENATOR JOHN EDWARDS PUT ON RUBBERS.  THAT’S THE FIRST TIME THAT HAS EVER HAPPENED.

IT LOOKS LIKE CALIFORNIA IS ABOUT TO LEGALIZE MARIJUANA. YOU THOUGHT GOVERNOR SCHWARZENEGGER WAS HARD TO UNDERSTAND BEFORE!  “THE PURPLE HAZE AND THINGS SUCH AS THAT.” (ARNOLD VOICE)

ALL THE MAJOR AIRLINES HAVE RAISED THEIR FEES FOR CHECKING BAGGAGE.  IT'S GETTING SO EXPENSIVE TO BRING BAGS ONBOARD, EVEN PEOPLE WHO AREN'T TERRORISTS ARE STUFFING THINGS INTO THEIR UNDERPANTS.

DO YOU REALIZE THAT IT’S JUST A COUPLE OF DAYS OF A YEAR AGO, THAT CAPTAIN “SULLY” SULLENBERGER LANDED HIS PLANE IN THE HUDSON RIVER.  REMEMBER HOW WE ALL BREATHED A SIGH OF RELIEF WHEN WE LEARNED THE PILOT WAS A REAL HERO AND NOT JUST ANOTHER DRUNK.

A MAN AND A WOMAN WHO WERE ON THAT FLIGHT…THEY MET ON THAT FLIGHT, THEY FELL IN LOVE AND GOT ENGAGED.  THE ONLY DOWNSIDE IS WHEN THEY HAVE SEX THEY CAN ONLY DO IT ON A WATERBED.  THAT’S THE ONLY PROBLEM.

TOYOTA ANNOUNCED THAT THEY ARE INTRODUCING A NEW VERSION OF THE POPULAR PRIUS.  THEY SAY THIS WILL BE A SMALLER, LESS POWERFUL VERSION:  THANK GOD FOR THAT.  THAT’S WHY I DIDN’T BUY THE ORIGINAL PRIUS.  I WAS SO INTIMIDATED BY ALL THAT POWER.

WITH THIS NEW VERSION YOU WILL BE ABLE TO DO ALL 18 HOLES WITHOUT RECHARGING. 

JOHNSON & JOHNSON IS RECALLING SOME BATCHES OF OVER THE COUNTER TYLENOL. APPARENTLY SOME OF THE TYLENOL WITH MADE WITH A CHEMICAL THAT WAS MAKING PEOPLE SICK. REMEMBER THOSE 4 OUT OF 5 DOCTORS THAT RECOMMEND TYLENOL? TURNED OUT THE 5TH GUY WAS RIGHT.  NOT RECOMMENDING IT.  ALWAYS GO WITH THE FIFTH.  I’M GOING TO LOOK INTO THOSE 4 OUT 5 MOMS THAT RECOMMEND TRIDENT, TOO. 

THE FRENCH HEALTH MINISTRY ISSUED A WARNING TO WATCH OUT FOR HEROIN THAT HAS BEEN CONTAMINATED WITH ANTHRAX.  WHAT IS THE WORLD COMING TO?  WHEN YOU CAN’T TRUST A DRUG DEALER TO SELL YOU A CLEAN BAG OF HEROIN.  ONLY BUY FROM A REGISTERED HEROIN DEALER.

A STUDY HERE AT UCLA FOUND THAT BLAMING OTHERS IN THE WORKPLACE IS SOCIALLY CONTAGIOUS. NOT TAKING PERSONAL RESPONSIBILITY AND BLAMING OTHERS AT WORK ACTUALLY BECOMES CONTAGIOUS IN COMPANIES. THANK GOD NOTHING LIKE THAT HAPPENS HERE AT NBC.

NEARLY 17 MILLION PEOPLE WATCHED "THE GOLDEN GLOBES" SUNDAY NIGHT ON NBC. AS A RESULT, TODAY NBC ANNOUNCED IT WILL BEGIN AIRING REPEATS OF THE GOLDEN GLOBE FIVE NIGHTS A WEEK AT 10 O'CLOCK . . .

AFTER THE GOLDEN GLOBES THE OTHER NIGHT THIS REPORTER DAVE PRICE WAS CAUGHT FLIRTING WITH SANDRA BULLOCK.  …I’M SO GLAD SHE WON FOR BEST ACTRESS.  VERY EXCITED.  YOU DON’T FLIRT WITH SANDRA BULLOCK WHEN HER HUSBAND JESSE JAMES IS AROUND.  TAKE A LOOK AT WHAT HAPPENED.  (DROP-IN: REPORTER FLIRTING.  JESSE PUNCHES HIM)

THE VERY FUNNY CHELSEA HANDLER IS HERE TONIGHT. ACTUALLY SHE WAS JUST HERE INTERVIEWING FOR THE 11:30 SPOT AND THOUGHT SHE’D DROP BY.  SO I THOUGHT THAT WAS NICE.

EARLIER TODAY NBC CAME OUT WITH YET ANOTHER ANNOUNCEMENT REGARDING ALL THE CONTROVERSY.  TAKE A LOOK.  (DROP-IN: APOLOGIZES FOR A LONG LIST OF TV FLOPS)  LIZ, STOP, WE ARE ONLY AN HOUR SHOW.  WE DON’T HAVE TIME.

YET ANOTHER MILESTONE IN AMERICAN HISTORY.  THE SHADY LADY BROTHEL IN NEVADA, HAS A 25 YEAR OLD NAMED MARKUS, AND HE’S BECOME THE FIRST LEGAL MALE PROSTITUTE IN AMERICAN HISTORY. WELL THE FIRST NOT ELECTED TO THE U.S. SENATE, OF COURSE.

ACCORDING TO THE WILDLIFE CONSERVATION SOCIETY, THE WORLD'S LEAST KNOWN BIRD WAS FOUND IN AFGHANISTAN.  NOW DON’T CONFUSE IT WITH THE WORLD'S MOST BEAT-UP BIRD.  THAT’S THE ARIZONA CARDINAL.  FOLLOWED BY THE BALTIMORE RAVEN.  ACTUALLY, THE PHILADELPHIA EAGLES LOOKING PRETTY GOOD NOW.

HOW ABOUT BRETT FAVRE?  PRETTY AMAZING GUY, ISN’T HE?  HE BECAME THE OLDEST QUARTERBACK TO EVER TO START AND WIN AN NFL PLAYOFF GAME.   HE'S JUST ONE GAME AWAY FROM THE SUPER BOWL.   THE SUPER BOWL IS IN MIAMI THIS YEAR.  WHICH IS PREFECT FOR BRETT, BECAUSE AT HIS AGE HE'S PROBABLY GOING TO FLORIDA ANYWAY.  STOP OFF AND WIN THE SUPER BOWL…

HERE IS SOME SHOCKING NEWS.  EVERYBODY ALWAYS SUSPECTS THIS KIND OF THING…THIS TIME THE GUY ACTUALLY ADMITTED IT.  THE FORMER COACH OF THE CLEVELAND CAVALIERS, JOHN LUCAS, ADMITTED THAT HIS TEAM LOST GAMES ON PURPOSE IN 2003 SO THEY COULD FINISH IN LAST PLACE, AND DRAFT LEBRON JAMES.  HE SAID THEY LOST GAMES ON PURPOSE, JUST TO DRAFT LEBRON.  NOW THE NBA WANTS TO KNOW HOW THE CLIPPERS WOUND UP WITH THE #1 DRAFT PICK.  THE GOOD NEWS: THE CLIPPERS DID IT THE OLD FASHIONED WAY.  THEY SUCKED.

THE OTHER NIGHT ON “60 MINUTES” THE BEAUTIFUL ACTRESS PENELOPE CRUZ WAS OVERCOME WITH EMOTION WATCHING A BALLET REHEARSAL IN NEW YORK CITY.  DID YOU SEE THAT?  TAKE A LOOK.  (DROP-IN: “60 MINUTES” FOOTAGE…JAY IS THE BALLET DANCER)

SOME SAD NEWS, THE FOUNDER OF TACO BELL HAS PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 86.  HIS BODY WILL BE CREMATED, COVERED IN MELTED CHEESE AND SMOTHERED IN A RED-HOT CHIPOTLE SAUCE.

I UNDERSTAND THE FUNERAL ONLY COST 99 CENTS.

83 YEAR OLD PLAYBOY PUBLISHER HUGH HEFNER HAS BROKEN UP WITH THE TWENTY YEAR OLD SHANNON TWINS… AT LEAST, THE GIRLS THINK HE BROKE UP WITH THEM…HE MAY HAVE JUST WANDERED OFF.  THEY DON’T KNOW.

IN BEIJING, CHINA, AUTHORITIES STEPPED IN AND STOPPED THE “MR. GAY CHINA PAGEANT.”   YOU KNOW WHY THEY STOPPED IT; THE SAME GUY WINS EVERY YEAR.  MR. HUNG.  EVERY YEAR HE WINS.

YOU KNOW WHO ALWAYS COMES IN SECOND?  MR. WANG.

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN MONOLOGUE: Tuesday, January 19, 2010

Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, and I’m just three days away from the biggest drinking binge in history.

Yesterday there were rallies for me in cities across the country, including Chicago.  You can tell things are bad when even Cubs fans feel sorry for you. 

It’s been a busy day for me today.  I spent the afternoon at Universal Studios’ amusement park, enjoying their brand-new ride, the “Tunnel of Litigation.”

Some papers are reporting that I’m legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC. For example – I am NOT allowed to say things like: “NBC is headed downhill faster than a fat guy chasing a runaway cheese-wheel.”

Some papers are reporting that I’m legally prohibited from saying anything bad about NBC.  But nobody said anything about speaking in Spanish.  “NBC esta manejado por hijos de cabras imbeciles que comen dinero y evacuan problemas.” (NBC is run by brainless sons of goats who eat money and crap trouble.”)

Some other stories in the press are saying that in the future I may not be able to retain what is known as my show’s “intellectual property.”  Isn’t it great to live in a country where a cigar-smoking dog puppet and a bear that masturbates are considered “intellectual property?”

I have to say, all of our problems with NBC really did sneak up on us quite suddenly. But I should have seen this coming. During the few months we’ve been doing this show, there were definitely things that should have tipped me off. I’ll give you an example, check this out. (cut to: applause sign) There’s our applause sign…(applause sign blinks) but look at the sign below it…(camera pans up to reveal sign that reads, “humor him for 7 months”)

Of course, there are other entertainment stories in the news. Some people who have gone to see “Avatar” say it’s caused them to have headaches, dizziness, nausea and blurry eyesight.  Meanwhile James Cameron says it’s caused him to have a billion dollars.

Interesting local story. A new $65 tour called the “LA Gang Tour” is being offered in Los Angeles that takes tourists through L.A.’s most dangerous neighborhoods.  The gang tour is also known by its other name, “A cab ride from the airport.”

Earlier this week, the founder of Taco Bell passed away at the age of 86. His tombstone will read: “Father. Husband. Inventor of Diarrhea.”

I’ve been thinking a lot about what I’m going to do with all my new free time. Here are my plans so far for next week.  Check it out:

-Introduce myself to my children.

-Connect all my freckles with a Sharpie.

-Play Beatles Rock Band until I reach “Level Yoko.”

-Make a cameo appearance on “Gossip Girl” as Blaine Wilcox, a mysterious albino playboy.

-Legally change my name to “No-Show Jones.”

-Finally make good on my plan to backpack through India with "The Situation."

-Return La Bamba to the kindly old carpenter who made him.

-Have my “TONIGHT SHOW FOREVER” tattoo changed to “OH, SHOW  OVER?”

-Make a big move to Fox. Megan Fox.