Smallscreen News

Conan O’Brien and Jay Leno monologue transcripts and video, January 15

By April MacIntyre Jan 16, 2010, 4:30 GMT

Conan O\'Brien - © Albert L. Ortega / PR Photos

NBC sent us today's monologues from the late night hosts Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno, the two men currently embroiled in an awkward schedule change that has O'Brien leaving the network.

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN MONOLOGUE: Friday, January 15, 2010

Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien – future answer to a $200 “Jeopardy” question.

Welcome to tonight’s show: By the time you see this, I’ll be halfway to Rio in a stolen NBC traffic copter.

In the press this week, NBC has been calling me every name in the book.  In fact, they think I’m such an idiot they now want me to run the network.

According to the Nielsen Company our ratings are way, way up this week.  And that’s nothing – wait till you see what we have planned for February.

It’s been reported that Tiger Woods has checked into a sex rehab clinic.  Actually he’s checked into three sex clinics, but they don’t know about each other.

The US State Department has released an updated photo of Osama bin Laden that shows what he might look like after aging a decade.  And guess what?  Somebody got faaaat….

First Lady Michelle Obama says she doesn’t let her daughters watch the show “Jersey Shore.”  When asked why, the first lady said, “Because I love my children.”

Some scholars of ancient Hebrew are now suggesting that certain portions of the Bible could have been written centuries earlier than others.  The scholars say they know this because the newer portions all begin, “Previously, on ‘The Bible.’”

Director Michael Bay says that the upcoming "Transformers 3" won't be as robot-heavy and will have fewer explosions.  The full title of the movie is “Transformers 3: What’s the Point?”

Earlier today, Chinese officials shut down what would have been China’s first gay beauty pageant.  Come on China, you can’t make it illegal for girls to be born – and then not expect at least a FEW guys to end up gay.

In Sweden, a group was attending a Weight Watchers meeting when the floor collapsed.  No one was hurt, unless you count everybody on the floor below.

THE JAY LENO SHOW  FRIDAY, JANUARY 15, 2010

ARE YOU EXCITED ABOUT THE WINTER OLYMPICS NEXT MONTH IN VANCOUVER?  IF YOU CAN’T WAIT UNTIL NEXT MONTH, STAY ON THIS CHANNEL BETWEEN 10:00 AND MIDNIGHT AND YOU WILL SEE NBC’S COVERAGE OF “TWO HOST SKATING ON THIN ICE.”

THERE IS SO MUCH IN-FIGHTING GOING ON HERE AT NBC.  LET ME SHOW YOU WHAT I MEAN.  LOOK AT A LIVE SHOT OF OUR HEADQUARTERS IN NEW YORK.  (DROP-IN: NBC IN TURMOIL)  SHOW BURBANK.  (DROP-IN: MORE OFFICE FIGHTS)  SHOW NBC TAIWAN.  (DROP-IN: MORE FIGHTING)

SUNDAY NIGHT ON FOX IS THE PREMIER OF A NEW SHOW CALLED "HUMAN TARGET.' I THOUGHT IT WAS ABOUT ME.

I’M GETTING BEAT UP IN THE PRESS.              YOU KNOW IT’S BAD WHEN TIGER WOODS CALLS TO OFFER YOU PR ADVICE.

EVEN DAVE LETTERMAN TAKING SHOTS AT ME. WHICH SURPRISED ME. USUALLY HE'S JUST TAKING SHOTS AT THE INTERNS.  I COULDN’T BELIEVE…I WAS STUNNED BY THAT.  IT WAS A SHOCK.

THE HEAVIEST SNOWFALL IN OVER 60 YEARS IS BEING REPORTED IN BEIJING, CHINA:  TO GIVE YOU AN IDEA HOW BAD IT IS, THE ARMY IS NOW USING SNOWPLOWS TO RUN OVER DISSIDENTS.  THAT’S HOW BAD.

YESTERDAY PRESIDENT OBAMA TOLD THE BANKERS THAT RECEIVED BAILOUT MONEY THAT INSTEAD OF FIGHTING NEW REGULATIONS AND FEES, THEY SHOULD "CONSIDER SIMPLY MEETING YOUR RESPONSIBILITY."  THAT’S A GOOD STRATEGY.  THE GUYS THAT SCREWED US OUT OF BILLIONS OF DOLLARS, LET'S APPEAL TO THEIR SENSE OF HONESTY AND FAIR-PLAY.  THAT WILL WORK.

ACCORDING TO "TIME" MAGAZINE, EXECUTIVES AT THE WALL STREET FIRM GOLDMAN SACHS WERE PAID AN AVERAGE OF $600,000 LAST YEAR. AND THAT WAS JUST BY CONGRESS.

THE 15-YEAR OLD SON OF NEW YORK GOVERNOR DAVID PATERSON WAS QUESTIONED BY POLICE FOR PLAYING A GAME OF CRAPS AND POSSESSING A DEBIT CARD THAT HAD BEEN REPORTED AS MISSING BY THE OWNER. WHICH BEGS THE QUESTION…WHERE WOULD THE SON OF A POLITICIAN LEARN ABOUT GAMBLING WITH OTHER PEOPLE'S MONEY?

TIME ONCE AGAIN FOR THE “BEER PONG SHOT OF THE WEEK.”  LETS TAKE A LOOK.  (DROP-IN: BEER PONG SHOT OF THE WEEK)  LETS SEE IT AGAIN IN SLOW MOTION.  (DROP-IN: SLO-MO)

AS IF THIS HORRIBLE SITUATION IN HAITI WAS NOT BAD ENOUGH…

TELEVANGELIST PAT ROBERTSON SAID THE EARTHQUAKE IN HAITI HAPPENED BECAUSE THEY WERE CURSED.  HE SAYS WHEN THEY WERE A FRENCH COLONY, THEY MADE A PACT WITH THE DEVIL TO GET RID OF THE FRENCH. PAT, PLEASE!  YOU DON'T NEED A PACT WITH THE DEVIL TO BEAT THE FRENCH!  OK.  PRETTY UNBELIEVABLE.

NASA OFFICIALS SAID TODAY THAT THEY FOUND A SMALL PLASTIC CONTAINER OF COCAINE INSIDE THE SPACE SHUTTLE.  THEY THINK IT MAY HAVE BEEN PLACED THERE BY ILLEGAL ALIENS.

UNITED AIRLINES SAID THEY ARE NOW GOING TO CHARGE $25 FOR A FIRST CHECKED BAG. TODAY A CONFUSED JESSICA SIMPSON SAID, "HOW MUCH FOR A STRIPED BAG?"

ACCORDING TO THE NEW YORK TIMES, AN 8 YEAR OLD BOY IS ON THE TERRORISM WATCH LIST, BECAUSE HE HAS THE SAME NAME AS SOMEONE ON THE NO FLY LIST.  HIS MOM SAYS HE’S BEEN ON THE LIST SINCE HE WAS TWO YEARS OLD.  BUT TO BE FAIRE, HOW MANY FLIERS WOULD LIKE TO SEE ALL TWO YEAR OLDS ON THE NO FLY LIST?

THE KID’S A CUB SCOUT…HE’S ON THE NO-FLY LIST.  WHO DO THEY THINK HE IS, THE UNDEROOS BOMBER?

ONCE AGAIN IT’S TIME FOR ONE OF MY FAVORITE SEGMENTS, “HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?”  (DROP-IN: GUY ON A POGO STICK DOING FLIPS…HE FALLS)  BUT HE’S OK.  THAT JUST MEANS YOU LIVED.

IN THIS DAY AND AGE.  AFTER COMPLAINTS FROM TEACHERS AND PARENTS, THE DENVER SCHOOL SYSTEM HAS CANCELLED THEIR PLAN TO HONOR MARTIN LUTHER KING, JR BY SERVING FRIED CHICKEN AND COLLARD GREENS TO STUDENTS FOR LUNCH.  ISN’T THAT UNBELIEVABLE?  THEY CANCELED THE PLAN.  BUT I DON’T THINK THE SCHOOL BOARD GETS IT.  DID YOU SEE WHAT THEY ARE DOING FOR ST. PATRICK’S DAY?  EACH KID GETS A POTATO AND A BOTTLE OF WHISKEY.  NOW THAT’S WRONG.

TOYOTA IS INTRODUCING A NEW VERSION OF THE PRIUS.  THEY SAY IT IS A SMALLER, LESS POWERFUL VERSION.  A LESS POWERFUL VERSION?  ISN’T THAT PRETTY MUCH A RASCAL SCOOTER?

THERE'S A NEW DEVICE ON THE MARKET CALLED THE "INCINOLET." IT'S A TOILET, INSTEAD OF FLUSHING HUMAN WASTE, IT INCINERATES IT AND BURNS IT UP.  THAT'S GOT TO LEAVE A PLEASANT SMELL.  HEY, SOMEBODY IN THE BATHROOM?  GET OFF THAT TOILET SEAT FAST!

SOME SAD NEWS—THE MAN WHO INVENTED SPAGHETTIOS HAS PASSED AWAY AT THE AGE OF 83.  HIS FINAL WORDS, “UH OH, I'M ABOUT TO GO.”

THE VERY FUNNY RICKY GERVAIS, WHO IS ON OUR SHOW TONIGHT, HE IS GOING TO BE HOSTING THE GOLDEN GLOBES ON SUNDAY.  HE SAID HE'S REALLY LOOKING FORWARD TO IT.  THERE’S A SHOCK, A HOST THAT IS HAPPY ON NBC.  YOU NEVER SEE THAT.  IT’S SO RARE THESE DAYS.

THIS IS SIMON COWELL’S LAST SEASON ON “AMERICAN IDOL.”  IS HE GETTING MEANER?  DID YOU SEE HOW HE ELIMINATED…  TAKE A LOOK.  (DROP-IN: IDOL ELIMINATION.  SIMON PUSHES AN EJECT BUTTON)

WHILE GETTING HER HAIR DONE IN NEW YORK CITY, ONE OF THE CAST MEMBERS OF THE JERSEY SHORE, SNOOKI, ASKED THE STYLIST TO MAKE HER LOOK LIKE KIM KARDASHIAN.  SO WE'RE NOW AT THE POINT IN THIS COUNTRY WHERE MARGINALLY FAMOUS REALITY STARS ARE TRYING TO LOOK LIKE MODERATELY FAMOUS REALITY STARS.

ACCORDING TO “PEOPLE” MAGAZINE, TIGER WOODS IS IN SEX REHAB IN ARIZONA.  THAT’S GOT TO BE CONFUSING FOR HIM.  ON ONE HAND HE HAS NIKE SAYING, “JUST DO IT” AND THE REHAB PEOPLE GOING, “DON’T DO IT.” 

Monologue:

Ricky Gervais 'Ten @ Ten'