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NBC Jay and Conan monologue transcript and video, January 14

By April MacIntyre Jan 15, 2010, 4:58 GMT

Jay Leno Dean Chapple / Splash News

NBC fired us the wrap up from the late night talent.  First is The Jay Leno Show monologue and video clips for January 14, 2010.

THE JAY LENO SHOW THURSDAY, JANUARY 14, 2010

WELCOME TO THE NEW SHOW “I’M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OFF NBC!”

IN OTHER TV NEWS, SARAH PALIN HAS SIGNED WITH FOX NEWS TO BE A CORRESPONDENT.  FOX SAYS IF SHE DOES A GOOD JOB, THEY'LL SIGN HER TO A LONG-TERM CONTRACT.  AND IF IT DOESN'T WORK OUT, THEY'LL JUST BLAME LENO.

WITH THE ALL THE CONTROVERSY GOING ON HERE AT NBC, ACTUALLY, THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O’BRIEN’S RATINGS HAVE GONE UP.  SO YOUR WELCOME.

THIS IS PRETTY SHOCKING.  FORMER UN CHIEF WEAPONS INSPECTOR SCOTT RITTER…YOU MIGHT REMEMBER THAT NAME.  HE WAS THE GUY WHO WAS ALWAYS ON THE NEWS, EVERY NIGHT IN IRAQ LOOKING FOR THE WEAPONS…HE HAS BEEN ARRESTED IN A SEX STING WHERE HE CONTACTED A COP WHO WAS POSING AS A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL, AND FONDLED HIMSELF ON CAMERA, THINKING IT WAS A 15 YEAR OLD GIRL.  HE IS NOW BEING CHARTED WITH IMPERSONATING ROMAN POLANSKI.

DID YOU SEE HIS LAWYER?  THESE LAWYERS ARE SO SLEAZY.  DID YOU HEAR THE LAWYERS EXCUSE?  HIS LAWYER SAID HIS CLIENT WAS JUST INSPECTING HIS WEAPON.

NASA SAYS THAT A MYSTERY OBJECT PASSED BY EARTH YESTERDAY MORNING. THEY'RE NOT SURE WHAT THE OBJECT WAS. THEY SAID IT COULD HAVE BEEN A SMALL ASTEROID OR POSSIBLY A PIECE OF SPACE JUNK. THEY SAID IT MISSED BY 80,000 MILES. IT MISSED BY 80,000 MILES SO IT COULD HAVE BEEN A NORTHWEST FLIGHT.

AS YOU KNOW, SECURITY IS BEING UPGRADED AT THE AIRPORTS ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY. THEY ARE REALLY CRACKING DOWN.  IN FACT, TODAY OSAMA BIN LADEN NAME WAS PUT ON THE “DO NOT FLY” LIST.

NOT A LOT OF PEOPLE ARE COMFORTABLE WITH THOSE FULL BODY SCANNERS…DID YOU FIND THEM CREEPY?  YOU KNOW THE ONES THAT MAKE YOU LOOK NAKED WHEN YOU GO THROUGH… YOU KNOW THE WORST PART ABOUT IT IF YOU ARE A GUY?  AFTER YOU GO THROUGH THE AGENT LOOKS AT THE SCREEN AND GOES, “THANK YOU MA’AM.”  THAT’S THE WORST.

THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITE SEGMENTS.  IT’S TIME FOR A THING CALLED, “HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE?”  TAKE A LOOK HERE.  (DROP-IN: A GUY IS CUTTING DOWN A TREE IN HIS YARD.  HOW LONG WILL IT TAKE FOR HIM TO DISCOVER HE MIGHT HAVE MADE A MISTAKE?  TREE FALLS ON HIS GARAGE)  LOOKING GOOD.  EIGHT SECONDS.

HERE’S A VERY BIZARRE STORY.  A SHEEP IN TURKEY GAVE BIRTH TO A LAMB WITH A HUMAN LIKE FACE. THE LAMB DIED AFTER BIRTH, BUT SO FAR SCIENTISTS HAVEN'T BEEN ABLE TO COME UP WITH A REASONABLE EXPLANATION FOR IT. AND NEITHER HAS THE FARMER.

A LAMB WITH A HUMAN FACE.  THAT SOUNDS LIKE THE WORST MAURY POVICH SHOW EVER.

ACCORDING TO THE NEW YORK TIMES, MANY RESTAURANTS ARE GIVING CUSTOMERS INACCURATE CALORIE COUNTS OF THEIR MENU ITEMS.  FOR EXAMPLE, AT DENNY'S, THE GRITS ARE LISTED AS 80 CALORIES, BUT THEY'RE REALLY 258 CALORIES.  CAN WE BE HONEST HERE?  IF YOU ARE AT DENNY’S AND YOU’RE ORDERING THE GRITS, ARE YOU THAT PICKY ABOUT YOUR DIET?  

HERE’S SOMETHING I DON'T UNDERSTAND? IF YOU WATCHED THE GAME THE OTHER NIGHT…YOU KNOW THE DALLAS COWBOY'S HAVE THE NEW "BILLION-DOLLAR STADIUM" HAS ARTIFICIAL TURF ON THE FIELD.  IT'S NOT REAL GRASS.  THEIR OWNER JERRY JONES SAID "IT'S HARD TO GROW REAL GRASS INSIDE A DOMED STADIUM". REALLY?  HOW COME COLLEGE KIDS ALL ACROSS THE COUNTRY GROW POT IN  A METAL FILE CABINET?  THEY CAN GROW GRASS.  WHY CAN’T YOU GROW GRASS?

USC HAS HIRED A NEW HEAD FOOTBALL COACH –A GUY NAMED LANE KIFFIN.  LANE KIFFIN?  I THOUGHT THAT WAS A CLOTHING STORE FOR FULL FIGURED WOMEN?  LANE KIFINN.

ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY BY RESEARCHERS AT M.I.T., MEN ARE EVOLVING FASTER THAN WOMEN.  NOT THE ONES ON JERSEY SHORE. THE REGULAR ONES.

THAT’S WHAT M.I.T. SAYS, THAT MEN ARE EVOLVING FASTER THAN WOMEN. THEY SAY WE MEN ARE MOVING AWAY FROM CHIMPS AT A RAPID RATE.  DO YOU THINK THAT’S TRUE?  IT TAKES THE AVERAGE CHIMP SEVEN SECONDS TO HAVE SEX, 65 MILLION YEARS LATER GUYS HAVE ONLY IMPROVED THAT BY A MINUTE 53.  THAT DOESN’T SEEM LIKE THAT MUCH.

HEY KEV, THEY AIRED OUR SHOW THE OTHER DAY.  MARTHA STEWART DID A SHOW ABOUT YOGA THIS WEEK.  KEV AND I ARE BIG YOGA ENTHUSIAST.  HERE, TAKE A LOOK. (DROP-IN: YOGA ON MARTHA.  AUDIENCE MEMBERS PARTICIPATE.  KEV AND JAY…HEAD ON BODIES) I DO ENJOY OUR WORKOUTS.

IT’S SIMON COWELL’S LAST YEAR ON “AMERICAN IDOL.”  DOES HE SEEM A LITTLE MORE PRICKLY THIS YEAR?  HE’S LOOKS LIKE…HE’S ALWAYS BEEN CONTENTIOUS WITH SOME OF THE PEOPLE.  BUT HE SEEMS TO BE GETTING FEED UP A LOT EASIER.  TAKE A LOOK AT THE OTHER NIGHT.  LOOK WHAT HE DID.  (DROP-IN: SIMON THROWS A DART AT A BAD SINGER)

ACCORDING TO "E" NEWS, THINGS ARE NOW CONSIDERED SERIOUS BETWEEN HUGH HEFNER AND ONE OF HIS GIRLFRIENDS, 22 YEAR OLD CRYSTAL HARRIS. THAT'S NOT ONLY ACCORDING TO E THAT'S ALSO ACCORDING TO THE HOSPITAL AFTER THE LAST TIME THEY HAD SEX.. HIS CONDITION WAS LISTED AS SERIOUS.

HE’S EIGHTY-THREE AND SHE’S 22.  HE SAYS THAT CRYSTAL HARRIS IS EVERYTHING HE NEEDS IN A WOMAN—SAME BLOOD TYPE, KNOWS CPR AND IS AN ORGAN DONOR.  WORKS OUT NICELY FOR HIM.

(FIRST PIECE) – THREE WORDS WITH JAY
WELCOME TO THE NEW SHOW “I’M A CELEBRITY, GET ME OFF NBC!”

KIMMEL TEN @ TEN PREVIEW

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN MONOLOGUE:

Thursday, January 14, 2010

Hi, I’m Conan O’Brien, NBC’s “Employee of the Month.”

There’s a rumor that NBC is so upset with me, they want to keep me off the air for 3 years. My response to that is, if NBC doesn’t want people to see me, just leave me on NBC.

Time sure does fly. Do you realize that a baby born on the day we did our first “Tonight Show” is now a slightly larger baby?

This is absolutely true—I received a letter from the adult film company “Pink Visual” offering me a role in one of their porno movies. In the movie I’d be having sex with a beautiful woman and just as we’re about to climax I get replaced by Jay Leno.

No matter what happens, it’s been a real honor to sit in the same chair as Steve Allen, Jack Paar, Johnny Carson, Jay Leno, and Jay Leno.

Last night the CEO of Chrysler was giving a speech at the International Auto Show and people in the crowd started heckling him. He got so angry, he walked out, got right in his car and stalled.

It’s been reported that an 8-year-old boy from New Jersey is on the government’s Airport Watch List because he has the same name as a possible terrorist. So it’s been a bad week for little Skippy Bin Laden.

There’s talk of casting Amy Winehouse as Dorothy in a musical version of the “Wizard of Oz.” In the Winehouse version of “the Wizard of Oz” the house starts spinning before the tornado hits.

In Sweden, a group attending a Weight Watchers meeting were lined up for a weigh-in when the floor collapsed. Police at the scene are describing the accident as "hilarious."