Smallscreen News

Jay Leno's January 13 monologue transcript and video

By April MacIntyre Jan 14, 2010, 3:14 GMT

Jay Leno Dean Chapple / Splash News

NBC is ending "The Jay Leno Show" on TV at 10 p.m. due to less than stellar ratings and backlash from local affiliates angry at the impact it had on their 11 o'clock newscasts that followed.

Yet NBC is sharing the monologues and videos of their two late night stars who are taking pot shots at the network for the clumsy maneuverings.

Currently, Conan O'Brien of "The Tonight Show" has refused to go along with NBC's idea to put his show on at 12:05 a.m. to accommodate Leno's return to his old time slot.

From NBC: Jay Leno's January 13, 2010 monologue:

GOOD NEWS FROM AFGHANISTAN -- CRITICS OF THE WAR HAVE STOPPED REFERRING TO IT AS "ANOTHER VIETNAM."  THEY ARE NOT CALLING IT THAT ANYMORE.  THE BAD NEWS -- THEY'RE NOW CALLING IT "ANOTHER NBC."

WELCOME TO NBC.  AMERICA'S MOST DYSFUNCTIONAL TV FAMILY.  THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

YOU THOUGHT THE GOSSELINS WERE SCREWED UP.  OH MY GOD.

NOBODY KNOWS WHAT IS GOING ON.  CONAN O’BRIEN, UNDERSTANDABLE, IS VERY UPSET.  HE HAD A STATEMENT IN THE PAPER YESTERDAY.  CONAN SAID NBC HAS ONLY GAVE HIM SEVEN MONTHS TO MAKE HIS SHOW WORK.   WHEN I HEARD THAT…SEVEN MONTHS!  HOW DID HE GET THAT DEAL?  WE ONLY GOT FOUR!  WHO’S HIS AGENT?  GET ME THAT GUY.  I’LL TAKE SEVEN.

ALL THE LATE NIGHT HOST ARE HAVING GREAT FUN WITH THIS DEBACLE.  LAST NIGHT JIMMY KIMMEL DID HIS SHOW DRESSED UP AS ME.  SHOW THAT CLIP.  (DROP-IN: JIMMY KIMMEL CLIP)  I WAS GOING TO COME OUT DRESSED AS JIMMY KIMMEL…PUT JIMMY’S PICTURE UP THERE.  BUT I REALIZED I DO NOT HAVE ENOUGH BLACK SHOE POLISH HERE AT NBC TO GET MY HAIR THAT DARK.

WE'RE LEARNING MORE ABOUT SENATE MAJORITY LEADER HARRY REID. INTERESTING LIFE STORY.  THE WASHINGTON POST REPORTS THAT HE GREW UP SWIMMING IN A NEVADA WHOREHOUSE POOL SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO DRINK, THEN HE BECAME RELIGIOUS, STUDIED HARD, MADE SOMETHING OF HIMSELF, WENT TO WASHINGTON D.C. WHERE HE NOW PRESIDES OVER A WHOREHOUSE SURROUNDED BY PEOPLE WHO DRINK.  HE’S COME FULL CIRCLE.

PASSENGERS ABOARD A UNITED FLIGHT FROM CHICAGO TO NEWARK, BROKE INTO APPLAUSE AND CALLED THE PILOT A HERO WHEN HE LANDED THE PLANE AFTER A TOTAL LANDING GEAR FAILURE.  THEN, OF COURSE, CAME THE REALLY DANGEROUS PART—THE CAB RIDE THROUGH NEWARK

BOTH DELTA AND CONTINENTAL AIRLINES ARE NOW RAISING THEIR FEES TO CHECK BAGGAGE ON A FLIGHT. BUT GOOD NEWS WOMEN, LISTEN TO THIS, THEY NOW SAID THEY'LL WAIVE THE FEE FOR WOMEN IF YOU DO A LITTLE DANCE WHEN YOU GO THROUGH THE BODY SCANNER.

A LOT OF PEOPLE DON'T LIKE THESE AIRPORT BODY SCANNERS, THEY SAY THEY DON'T LIKE SECURITY OFFICERS SEEING NAKED IMAGES OF THEIR BODIES. HAVE YOU SEEN WHAT MOST AMERICANS LATELY?  COME ON, IT'S NO PICNIC FOR THE SECURITY PEOPLE EITHER.  THANK YOU VERY MUCH.

I LOVE THIS PART.  THE GOVERNMENT SAYS THAT MOST PEOPLE AREN’T COMPLAINING ABOUT THE FULL BODY SCANNER.  THE GOVERNMENT ALWAYS SAYS THAT EVERY TIME THERE’S ANOTHER INTRUSION INTO YOUR PRIVACY.  THEY ALWAYS SAY THAT MOST PEOPLE AREN'T COMPLAINING.  OF COURSE MOST PEOPLE AREN’T COMPLAINING.  YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS IF YOU COMPLAIN AT THE AIRPORT SECURITY?  YOU GET A COLONOSCOPY AND YOU END UP ON THE TERRORIST WATCH LIST.

LETS SEE WHAT IS COMING UP ON OUR LATE LOCAL NEWS.  RICK AND TONYA.  (DROP-IN: LOCAL NEWS PROMO 

IT'S GROWING MORE AND MORE LIKELY THAT CALIFORNIA WILL LEGALIZE MARIJUANA.  YOU MEAN IT’S NOT ALREADY LEGAL?  KNOW WHAT THAT MEANS?  ONE DAY IN CALIFORNIA YOU COULD BE BUYING LEGALIZED MARIJUANA AT A WAL-MART FROM A CASHIER WHO IS NOT EVEN LEGAL.

COLD WEATHER ALL AROUND THE WORLD.  THE HEAVIEST SNOWFALL IN OVER 60 YEARS IS BEING REPORTED IN BEIJING, CHINA.  PEOPLE THERE ARE BEING WARNED NOT TO THROW SNOWBALLS BECAUSE THEY CONTAIN LEAD.

THEY'RE CALLING THIS THE WORST WINTER IN ENGLAND IN OVER A 100 YEARS. IN FACT, IF PEOPLE THERE HAD TEETH THEY'D BE CHATTERING

SARAH PALIN HAS SIGNED ON TO BE A FOX NEWS CORRESPONDENT.  IN A RELATED STORY, JOHN MCCAIN JUST PICKED UP AN ENDORSEMENT DEAL TO BE A SPOKESMAN FOR THE SCOOTER STORE.

I LOVE THIS STORY.  AN OLYMPIA, WASHINGTON WOMAN, ANGRY THAT HER HUSBAND WAS LEAVING HER, REVERSED THE WIRING ON HIS ELECTRIC TOOLS –SO THAT WHEN HE TURNED THEM ON, HE GOT A HUGE SHOCK THAT KNOCKED HIM TO THE GROUND.  HE GOT EVEN.  HE DID THE SAME THING TO ONE OF HER VIBRATORS.

HERE IS A SIGN OF THE TIMES.  A NEW MALE BROTHEL…MAN ARE THE PROSTITUTES…HAS JUST OPENED IN LAS VEGAS.  THEY HIRED THEIR FIRST MALE PROSTITUTE.  TAKE A LOOK AT THE REPORT FROM LAST NIGHT’S NEWS.  (DROP-IN: MALE BROTHEL OPENS IN VEGAS. FIRST MALE PROSTITUTE IS RICHARD SIMMONS)

NASA SAID TODAY THAT A MYSTERIOUS OBJECT WHIZZING PAST THE EARTH LAST NIGHT WAS NOT SPACE JUNK, AS PREVIOUSLY BELIEVED.  THEY NOW BELIEVE IT WAS A BASEBALL HIT BY MARK MCGWIRE BACK IN THE 90S.

MARK MCGWIRE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT HE USED STEROIDS. IT'S HARD TO DENY IT WHEN HALF OF YOUR HOME RUNS CAME ON BUNTS.

MCGWIRE SAID STEROIDS DIDN'T HIM HELP HIM "HIT THE BALL FARTHER."  THEY HELPED HIM RECOVER FROM INJURIES.  YOU KNOW, SO HE COULD THEN HIT THE BALL FARTHER.

DID YOU SEE BOB COSTAS SITTING NEXT TO MCGWIRE?  DIDN’T IT LOOK LIKE IT WAS ONE OF THOSE FATHER AND SON DAY AT THE BALLPARK.  WHAT WAS THAT?

ESPN AND THE DISCOVERY CHANNEL ARE SET TO LAUNCH CHANNELS IN 3D.  …LIKE AVATAR…3D TELEVISION.  THEY TRIED THIS ON “60 MINUTES” THE OTHER NIGHT…THE 3D TV.  TAKE A LOOK.  (DROP-IN:  “60 MINUTES” IN 3D.  YOU CAN SEE ANDY ROONEY’S EYEBROWS GROWING)

KEVIN, HERE IS A STORY I KNOW WILL INTEREST YOU.  ACCORDING TO OXFORD UNIVERSITY, FAT REAR ENDS ARE HEALTHY.  THEY SAY EXTRA PADDING ON YOUR BACKSIDE CAN PROTECT YOUR HEART.  LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, THAT’S WHEN YOU KNOW YOUR ASS IS TOO BIG, WHEN IT’S PROTECTING YOUR HEART.  …IT’S ACTUALLY COMING AROUND AND PROTECTING YOUR HEART.  THAT’S A BIG ASS.

I LOVE THIS.  THE FORMER PRESIDENT OF THE PSYCHIATRIC ASSOCIATION OF QUEBEC, CANADA…HE BELIEVES THERE ARE BENEFITS TO SMOKING.  THAT’S WHAT HE SAID.  SPECIALLY IF YOU WORK IN THE PORTABLE OXYGEN TANK, AND FUNERAL HOME INDUSTRY.  IT’S HUGE…

HAVE YOU BEEN WATCHING THIS STUPID BACHELOR?  I’M SORRY, I CAN’T TAKE THIS THING.  THE OTHER NIGHT ON “THE BACHELOR” I GUESS ELIZABETH, SHE READ A HEARTFELT NOTE.  YOU KNOW THESE WOMEN WHO WRITE NOTES, THEY JUST GO ON AND ON AND ON.  TAKE A LOOK.  (DROP-IN: BACHELOR FOOTAGE.  THE BACHELOR GROWS OLD WHILE LISTENING TO THE LONG NOTE)

(FIRST PIECE) – CELEBRITY VS. PAPARAZZI