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Conan O’Brien's Jan. 12 monologue reflects outrage

By April MacIntyre Jan 13, 2010, 2:51 GMT

But sadly, we were never given that chance. After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Conan O'Brien's monologue throws big stones at NBC.  And, NBC is firing the missive straight from the red-headed horse's mouth to us via e-mail:

This just in from O'Brien's monologue on tonight's show:

THE TONIGHT SHOW WITH CONAN O'BRIEN MONOLOGUE: Tuesday, January 12, 2010

Hello, my name is Conan O’Brien, and I may soon be available for children’s parties.

Welcome to NBC. Where our new slogan is, “No longer just screwing up prime-time.”

When I was a little boy, I remember watching “The Tonight Show with Johnny Carson” and thinking “Someday, I’m going to host that show for 7 months.”

NBC says they’re planning to have the late night situation worked out before the Winter Olympics start.  And trust me, when NBC says something – you can take that to the bank!

Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is still under fire for remarks he made about President Obama’s “blackness.”  Sources say Reid could face Congressional censure, or even worse, be promised the “The Tonight Show” at 11:30.

The CEO of Domino’s Pizza Patrick Doyle says their pizza has been bad in the past but they’re coming out with a new recipe.  Perhaps, part of the problem is their pizza’s made by a guy named Patrick Doyle.

A university student in England has come up with a math equation to explain why he doesn't have a girlfriend.  I don’t even know the guy but I think I understand why he doesn’t have a girlfriend.

This week in Las Vegas, the world’s first life-size sex robot was unveiled and she comes with 5 different personalities.  Because let’s face it, what a guy is looking for in a sex robot is a nice personality.

The movie reviewer at the Vatican newspaper has called the film “Avatar” simplistic, superficial, bland, sappy and unoriginal.  Sounds like someone forgot to get stoned.

Here is Conan's personal statement:

"People of Earth:

In the last few days, I’ve been getting a lot of sympathy calls, and I want to start by making it clear that no one should waste a second feeling sorry for me. For 17 years, I’ve been getting paid to do what I love most and, in a world with real problems, I’ve been absurdly lucky.  That said, I’ve been suddenly put in a very public predicament and my bosses are demanding an immediate decision.

Six years ago, I signed a contract with NBC to take over The Tonight Show in June of 2009.  Like a lot of us, I grew up watching Johnny Carson every night and the chance to one day sit in that chair has meant everything to me.  I worked long and hard to get that opportunity, passed up far more lucrative offers, and since 2004 I have spent literally hundreds of hours thinking of ways to extend the franchise long into the future.   It was my mistaken belief that, like my predecessor, I would have the benefit of some time and, just as important, some degree of ratings support from the prime-time schedule.  Building a lasting audience at 11:30 is impossible without both.

But sadly, we were never given that chance.  After only seven months, with my Tonight Show in its infancy, NBC has decided to react to their terrible difficulties in prime-time by making a change in their long-established late night schedule.

Last Thursday, NBC executives told me they intended to move the Tonight Show to 12:05 to accommodate the Jay Leno Show at 11:35.  For 60 years the Tonight Show has aired immediately following the late local news.  I sincerely believe that delaying the Tonight Show into the next day to accommodate another comedy program will seriously damage what I consider to be the greatest franchise in the history of broadcasting.  The Tonight Show at 12:05 simply isn’t the Tonight Show.  Also, if I accept this move I will be knocking the Late Night show, which I inherited from David Letterman and passed on to Jimmy Fallon, out of its long-held time slot.  That would hurt the other NBC franchise that I love, and it would be unfair to Jimmy.

So it has come to this:  I cannot express in words how much I enjoy hosting this program and what an enormous personal disappointment it is for me to consider losing it.  My staff and I have worked unbelievably hard and we are very proud of our contribution to the legacy of The Tonight Show. But I cannot participate in what I honestly believe is its destruction.  Some people will make the argument that with DVRs and the Internet a time slot doesn’t matter.  But with the Tonight Show, I believe nothing could matter more.

There has been speculation about my going to another network but, to set the record straight, I currently have no other offer and honestly have no idea what happens next.  My hope is that NBC and I can resolve this quickly so that my staff, crew, and I can do a show we can be proud of, for a company that values our work.

Have a great day and, for the record, I am truly sorry about my hair; it's always been that way."

NBC also sent us Jay Leno's monologue for you to catch up on as well for tonight: