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NBC drama as Conan O'Brien and Jay Leno turn pain into comedy

By April MacIntyre Jan 12, 2010, 3:36 GMT

Conan O\'Brien, Jimmy Fallon © Jay Kravetz / PR Photos

NBC is revealing the hard feelings their late night chatters are slinging in their schtick, publicly licking their wounds via testy monologues about the clumsy political machinations of "who airs when" on late night TV. 

The network must be enjoying some great ratings fall-out as a bonus of the bad publicity. The PR team fired over to us the complete monologues for both Jay and Conan, plus the video of Jay performing it for tonight.

From NBC, the live feed:

Conan O'Brien monologue for Monday, January 11, 2010

Good evening. I’m Conan O’Brien, the new host of “Last Call with Carson Daly.”

This weekend no one was seriously hurt, but a 6.5 earthquake hit California.  The earthquake was so powerful that it knocked Jay Leno’s show from 10 o’clock to 11:35.

Everybody now wants to know what my plans are.  All I can say is that I plan to continue putting on a great show night after night— while stealing as many office supplies as humanly possible.

On the positive side, I have learned a valuable lesson from all this: never sign a contract that ends with the word “NOT.”

NBC announced that they expect to lose $200 million on the Winter Olympics next month.  Is it just me or is that story hilarious?

There are other stories in the news. Senate Majority Leader Harry Reid is under fire for discussing whether or not President Obama has a “Negro dialect.”  Reid is also in trouble for saying Joe Lieberman “talks all Moses-y.”

In an interview, “Jersey Shore” cast member “The Situation” said he is currently having his nickname trademarked.  That decision was confirmed by his lawyer, “The Representation.”

Adidas recently launched a line of shoes for adults based on the Star Wars films.  The “Star Wars” shoes come in "His" and "His."

A company says it has developed "the world's first sex robot," which costs 9,000 dollars.  The sex robot was actually ready 10 years ago but the scientist who invented it wouldn't stop testing it.

As I mentioned, NBC is shaking up its late night lineup yet again.  They want to move Jay Leno back to 11:35.  And there are a lot of rumors about what I’m going to do.

I’ve got a lot of options.  I thought I’d share some of them with you right now..

I could…

-Host the Tonight Show at 12:05

-Star in a Lifetime original movie about a woman trapped in an abusive relationship with her network.

-Go to ABC and star in a male redhead version of ‘Cougartown’ called ‘Redwolf Village’.

-Host a show on B.E.T. called ‘White All Night’.

-Move to FOX and follow their hit “24” with a new show called “24:05.”

-Televise my own colonoscopy on the Bravo Channel in a show called ‘Project Funway’.

-Convince NBC to let me keep this time slot if I can gain 10 pounds of chin.

-Andy and I will become a team of wacky morning DJ’s called ‘Big Red And The Booger’.

-Pretend to put my son in a giant foil balloon, then sit back and watch the offers come pouring in!

-Perform the show live every night from Zanies Comedy Club at 7:30 and 9:30. (1/2 price drinks if you tell ‘em “Coco” sent ya!)

-Bring sanity back to NBC by hiring Gary Busey as head of programming.

-Leave television altogether, and work in a classier business with better people, like hard core porn.

THE JAY LENO SHOW MONDAY, JANUARY 11, 2010

WELCOME TO THE JAY LENO SHOW.  AS YOU KNOW, WE’RE NOT JUST A SHOW ANYMORE, WE ARE NOW A COLLECTORS ITEM.

AS YOU MAY HAVE HEARD, OUR SHOW HAS BEEN CANCELED.  FIRED AGAIN!  THAT SHOWS YOU THAT NBC’S GOT NOTHING.  EVEN WHEN THEY FIRE PEOPLE IT’S A RE-RUN.  DIDN’T WE JUST GET FIRED IN MAY?

NBC SAID THE SHOW PREFORMED EXACTLY AS THEY EXPECTED IT WOULD. AND THEN CANCELED US. DON’T CONFUSE THIS WHEN WE WERE ON AT LATE NIGHT AND PREFORMED BETTER THAN EXPECTED AND THEY CANCELED US.  THAT WAS TOTALLY DIFFERENT.

SUPPOSEDLY WE’RE MOVING TO 11:30…EVEN THIS IS NOT FOR SURE. MY PEOPLE ARE UPSET.  CONAN’S PEOPLE ARE UPSET.  HEY NBC SAID THEY WANTED DRAMA AT 10:00…NOW THEY'VE GOT IT!  EVERYONE’S MAD.

I TAKE PRIDE IN ONE THING.  I LEAVE NBC PRIME-TIME THE SAME WAY I FOUND IT – A COMPLETE DISASTER.

SPEAKING OF GETTING CANCELLED – KEV, WHAT HAPPENED TO THE EAGLES?

THE EAGLES LOST 34 TO 14.  EVEN WE PUT UP A BETTER FIGHT THAN THAT.

SHOW KEV’S PREDICTION FROM THE OTHER NIGHT.  (DROP-IN: KEVIN’S BOLD PREDICTION THAT THE EAGLES WOULD WHOOP ASS)  KEV SAYS, “SLIGHTLY OFF PREDICTION.  THAT’S THE FIRST TIME I EVER MISSED A PREDICTION.”  NO THAT IS NOT.  REMEMBER WHEN WE DID MIDNIGHT SPECIAL IN 1978?  REMEMBER YOU MADE A VERY BOLD PREDICTION, MY FRIEND.”  TAKE A LOOK.  (DROP-IN: KEVIN WITH A LARGE AFRO SAYING HE WILL NEVER GO BALD)

NBC HAS SOME PILOTS TO FILL THE 10 PM TIME SLOT. HERE’S ONE THEY ARE PRETTY EXCITED ABOUT. THEY ARE TALKING ABOUT BRINGING BACK "ALL IN THE FAMILY" WITH HARRY REID AS ARCHIE BUNKER.

DO YOU KNOW THIS STORY.  SENATOR HARRY REID IN HOT WATER ABOUT SOME REMARKS HE MADE ABOUT, THEN CANDIDATE, BARACK OBAMA THAT HAVE BEEN PERCEIVED AS TO BE RACIALLY INSENSITIVE.  HE SPENT MOST OF THE DAY ON THE PHONE APOLOGIZING TO PROMINENT AFRICAN AMERICAN LEADERS.  I STILL DON’T THINK HE GETS IT.  LIKE TODAY AT A PRESS CONFERENCE HE SAID, “I HOPE THIS DOESN’T LEAVE A BLACK MARK ON MY RECORD.  SEE WHAT I MEAN?  IT ALL COMES OUT…

ON FRIDAY, THE WHITE HOUSE ANNOUNCED THAT PRESIDENT OBAMA'S STATE OF THE UNION ADDRESS, SCHEDULED FOR NEXT MONTH, WILL NOT AIR ON THE SAME NIGHT AS THE PREMIERE OF "LOST" ON ABC. 

THEY DID THIS BECAUSE THEY THOUGHT VIEWERS MIGHT GOT CONFUSED. SEE, "LOST" IS ALSO THE STATE OF THE UNION…LOST JOBS, LOST WAGES, LOST HOUSES, LOST BUSINESSES…  SO THE TWO YOU CAN GET MIXED UP.

THE WHITE HOUSE SAID THEY ARE WORKING EVEN HARDER NOW TO TRY AND FIND OSAMA BIN LADEN. IN FACT, THEY’VE NOW PUT HIS PICTURE ON THE SIDE OF CARTONS OF GOAT'S MILK.

(DROP-IN: KEVIN’S CELL PHONE RINGS DURING THE MONOLOGUE.  HE SAYS IT WAS JUST HARRY REID CALLING TO APOLOGIZE)

ONE OF JOHN MCCAIN'S FORMER TOP CAMPAIGN AIDES SAYS THAT WHEN HE TALKED TO SARAH PALIN AFTER MCCAIN PICKED HER TO BE HIS RUNNING MATE, SHE SAID IT WAS "GOD'S PLAN."   SO APPARENTLY, GOD WANTED OBAMA TO WIN.

DID YOU KNOW THIS?  SARAH PALIN HAS JUST SIGNED WITH FOX NEWS.  SO NOW THEY’RE FAIR AND UNBALANCED.

A WOMAN IS SUING A FITNESS CLASS IN NEW YORK CLAIMING SHE SERIOUSLY INJURED HERSELF DURING A POLE-DANCING CLASS.  SHE CLAIMS NOBODY REACHED OUT TO GRAB HER WHEN SHE WAS FALLING OFF THE POLE…  WOMEN, LET ME TELL YOU SOMETHING, IF YOU'RE DANCING ON A POLE, AND NOBODY REACHES OUT TO GRAB YOU - MAYBE POLE DANCING ISN'T FOR YOU?

(DROP-IN: AUDIENCE MEMBER’S CELL PHONE RINGS.  HE SAYS IT WAS HARRY REID)

POLICE IN OHIO ARE SEARCHING FOR TWO TEENAGE GIRLS WHO ROBBED A BANK.  TWELVE AND FOURTEEN YEARS OLD, AND THEY ROBBED A BANK.  THEY DIDN'T USE A STICK-UP NOTE – THEY TEXT MESSAGED IT.

ACCORDING TO A NEW STUDY IN ENGLAND, TEENAGERS ONLY USE A 800 WORDS OF THEIR 40,000 WORD VOCABULARY AND OFFICIALS SAY THIS IS A CRISIS AND TEENAGERS JUST SAID, “WTF.”

IN MEDICAL NEWS, A NEW RESEARCH STUDY SUGGESTS THAT THE INFAMOUS "G-SPOT" IN WOMEN DOESN'T REALLY EXIST. EITHER THAT OR MAYBE THE MALE RESEARCHERS COULDN'T FIND IT.

THE OTHER BIG STORY HERE AT NBC: DAVID HASSELHOFF IS LEAVING “AMERICA'S GOT TALENT” TO FOCUS ON HIS OWN REALITY SHOW. IT'S CALLED “I'M A CELEBRITY, GET ME A COCKTAIL!”  YOU DON’T WANT TO MISS THAT ONE.

ACCORDING TO A SEX SURVEY, 53% OF PEOPLE SURVEYED DESCRIBE THEIR SEX LIVES AS DEPRESSING, LUKEWARM AND PREDICTABLE.  THE OTHER 47% WERE MEN.

MARK MCGWIRE ADMITTED TODAY THAT HE DID USE STEROIDS.  HE SAID HE USED STEROIDS THE WHOLE TIME.  IT WAS ALMOST AS SHOCKING AS CLAY AIKEN WHEN HE SAID HE WAS GAY.  I WAS STUNNED.  WOW.  REALLY?  WHAT A SHOCK!

(FIRST PIECE) – ANDY RODDICK – BAD LUCK