Swanni's 2007 'HDTV Horribles' list

By Mary McSweeney Sep 23, 2007, 15:54 GMT

09/09/2007 - Brad Pitt - 33rd Annual Deauville American Film Festival - \'The Best Of\' File Photos - Deauville, France - Deauville, France © Pixplanete / PR Photos

Philip Swann has released his 2007 Horribles list for HDTV, the unforgiving new crystal clear medium that has vexed makeup artists, hairstylists, camera operators and directors due to the lack of cinematic "wiggle room" that film offered.

Swanni (Phillip Swann) is president and publisher of TVPredictions.com. He has been quoted in dozens of publications and broadcast outlets.

High-Definition TV's ultra-clear picture may be great for viewers watching sports or the news, but not for the stars in television.

At least, not for these 10 stars who look much worse in high-def than they do in filmy fuzzier regular TV.

Here are Swanni's annual 10 'HDTV Horribles.'

Swanni's 2007 'HDTV Horribles'!

1. Britney Spears
"Brit has put on so much weight that Oops, I Did It Again needs to be remixed as Oops, I Ate It Again. The singer was once known as a pop tart, but now it looks like all she does is eat Pop Tarts. Her new single is called, Gimme More. In her glory days, that title would have carried a sexual connotation. But now Gimme More could be her cry for seconds at Ruby Tuesday.

And in high-def, she looks about a decade older than she really is. Her face is already showing excessive wrinkling around her lips and eyes. Overall, she looks like she belongs in a biker bar. What happened to her?! Yeech!"

2. Brad Pitt
"Pitt will turn 44 a week before this Christmas. But in high-def, he's no gift to women. With those pockmarked cheeks, you half expect a space capsule to land on his face. Pitt was the star of Ocean's 13, but in HD, he looks like he should be the star of Apollo 13 -- playing the part of the Moon!

And let me tell you, in high-def, you can see that his age has finally caught up with him. The star of Fight Club looks like he's taken a few shots to the chops."

3. John Travolta
"It's a guarded secret in Hollywood that Travolta wears a toupee. But in high-def, the secret is out. You can see the little artificial weaves at his temples and the top of his forehead. In HD, his "hair" is the most unrealistic looking thing I've ever seen. Travolta was the star of Saturday Night Fever, but his hair looks like it came from a Saturday Night Beaver!"

Stallone

4. Sylvester Stallone
"Rocky can now be a description of his face. Sly has had so many facial surgeries that you can almost see the stitch marks in high-def. Remember that famous scene in Rocky when he said, "Cut me, Mick." Ever since, he's been saying the same thing to every plastic surgeon in Beverly Hills."

5. Michael Jackson
"Know the old saying, "Cut off your nose to spite your face"? Well, the King of Pop took that literally. In high-def, his face looks like it belongs on an episode of Star Trek: The Enterprise. No human can look like he does without either help from George Lucas' Industrial Light Magic -- or an industrial accident."

6. Kate Winslet
"In high-def, the Titanic star reminds me of that famous line from Austin Powers: "It's a man, baby!" The older Kate gets, the more masculine she looks. And, in up-close HDTV, it doesn't look like she takes care of herself. Her skin is blotchy and ruddy"

Maher

7. Bill Maher
"The star of HBO's 'Real Time With Bill Maher' looks terrible in high-def. His pasty, Albino-like features makes the Pillsbury Doughboy look like he has a tan."

8. Dr. Phil
"The 57-year-old Phil McGraw looks much older in high-def than he does in the non-HD broadcast of his daytime advice show. His face is more ashen than a California forest after a brush fire. Dr. Phil, here's some advice for you. The next time you're in HD on a late night talk show, put some color in your cheeks."

Close

9. Glenn Close
"The 60-year-old star of FX's 'Damages' recently showed up on 'Late Night With David Letterman' wearing a low-cut dress that would have put the fear of God in Christopher Hitchens. Talk about damages, her chest looks like a strawberry patch, it's so raw. Glenn, cover up, please, and wear some sun lotion the next time you go to the beach!"

10. Celine Dion
"Celine is so skinny that she's like a human coat rack!  Her torso is the exact same size as her hips and legs! During this year's HD broadcast of the Oscars, the Canadian songstress warbled a tribute song to the musical composer for The Untouchables. But I think The Untouchables is what Celine calls food products."