Smallscreen Features

Rock the Cradle Results, Episode 2: Jesse is not Money, baby

By April MacIntyre Apr 12, 2008, 4:26 GMT

MTV's "Rock the Cradle" is like a televised car wreck. You really don't want to gawk but the power of something larger than yourself compels you to.

Nine singer progeny of famous crooners and rockers are vying for 100K and a recording contact. The B Roll leading up to the competition shows the kids all puffing their chests out delusionally, "I was good, that judge is an a-hole," and also reveals some tension too. Jesse Blaze throws it down with "boring" Crosby; Jesse Money totally "Mean Girls" it to lippy McGee, Chloe. "Your performance was SO good."

Jesse Blaze

Dee Snider gets the quote of the night: "My kid brings ass-kicking to the table," and "Belinda is gonna hate 'ya anyway" to his cute son on a shopping excursion, choosing trousers with mum and dad for the night’s performance. Mum likes tight pants, more crotch reveal please while son Jesse Blaze Snider is wincing on camera.Theme of the second show is parent’s choice. Parents pick the songs,
Snider coaches Jesse on the Billy Idol song "Rebel Yell." The kid nails it, he was great. June dug him too-she gave him a perfect 10, "you were born in leather diapers."Jamie loved it too, a 9, Belinda gave him an 8.5, "this week you were a rock star." Larry gave him an 8, "felt a bit like rock star karaoke to me, a great impersonation of Billy Idol...next week bring Jesse." He is untouchable for the vote-off. Lara

Lara

Lara Johnston gets "Respect" as her dad's pick. Skinny white girls cannot do big Black womens classics, sorry. Her vocals were thin and pitchy; she can shriek a mean tune.Larry loves her, "little girl big voice" and compares her to Britney, gives her a 9, Belinda gives her an 8.5 "relax", Jamie gives her a 6, "the stage performance is not where it needs to be...it's Aretha Franklin, respect, come’ on!" AKeiba

A'Keiba

A'Keiba Burrell-Hammer "Killing me softly," poppa MC Hammer selects. She was good, interesting arrangement too.
Judges come in at 7's and 8's, Jamie "need more from you" June was Tyra Banks: "Tragic, you look like a forty year-old woman." Crosby Loggins is next, "I Don't Wanna Be"- He admits his dad's performing skills are hard to come by for him. "I have a lot of concern about being boring."
He was good. Not a sexpot like Jesse Blaze. Belinda kneecaps him with a 6.5, "a bit boring" and June gives him a 9, "take your shirt off!" Larry gives him a 9, "first half coffee house, second half, 20K people in Madison Square Garden"Landon Brown is up. Dad Bobby picks "Superstition" He’s all swagger. He was o-kay.
Judge Belinda gives him a 9 - "very sexy", Jamie gives him an 8.5, June too, and Larry gives him the worst score.Lil B Sure! sings a Kate Bush song, "This Woman's Work" He falsettos the shit out of it. I love Kate's version, this one made my dog crawl under the couch.Judges Larry June and Jamie hate it, 5's and 6's, Belinda "you have to stop grabbing your crotch." P.S....Al B Sure is aging well, he is very handsome still, a DILF! His voice could melt the parka off an Eskimo wench.Chloe Lattanzi and Jesse Money are left, it is Jesse who was voted off and leaves.Lucy Walsh is up to bat, and knocks another great performance out of the park. Dad Joe is in the audience and the camera pans to him, the stage producer or manager didn't cue the lights, so we see an outline of alleged attending papa Joe's head. Walsh is really good, not perfect but she has the most checked boxes: Looks, vocal competence, personality, stage presence, personable...only Jesse Blaze matches her. She will be one of the finalists if not the winner...
...and then we have Chloe, still batshit. She was made for Lena Lovich covers. Watch her performance:

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buddah55Apr 12th, 2008 - 06:54:09

I can't believe that Jesse Money was voted off and leaves as opposed to Chloe Lattanzi.

What in the world were people thinking???

You have someone that is actually singing vs someone who sounds like they are on their death bed. Look at the show man even she knew she had no business being there..

Man what were people listening too.. did they get the vote buttons mixed up..

Was the voting server in Florida?

I am interested to see how this develops.

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rogApr 12th, 2008 - 20:52:35

none of these 'singers' will ever make it big. they'll just be doomed to a life of going on tour with mommy or daddy. and listening to chloe is like watching the rejects from american idol who are delusional and honestly think they can sing well, and she looks like she's had more work done on her face than her mom

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stopthecradle.comApr 12th, 2008 - 22:18:02

MTV Rock the Cradle, that show is the best ever. No talent, just big names. Okay, sorta big names. Celebrity kids, celebrity whiners, not singers.

Keep the car wreck going, by voting for the worst. Stop the Cradle! stopthecradle.com

Chloe Lattanzi winning would be just the best. Her geriatric-style gyrations must be in public view for years to come!

Vote and stop the cradle. stopthecradle.com!

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BetteApr 13th, 2008 - 16:01:27

No one with any sense would watch this lame show! Just reading about it is enough!

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rwApr 14th, 2008 - 07:00:18

Jesse and Lucy are the only two with real talent!! Cannot believe that Chloe is still in there, the girl must have been adopted...

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