Smallscreen Features
Recap: American Idol, Dallas' delusional nets a few gems
By April MacIntyre Jan 17, 2008, 17:35 GMT
Simon Cowell - © Glenn Harris / Photorazzi
Like fish in a barrel, the Dallas try-outs had the miniscule few with real talent wait amidst a sea of delusional souls, all to be pre-sifted and assessed for their eye-candy shock value by the AI production team before making the waiting room.
Last night, it was all I could do to stay with the broadcast as an AI cameraman mercilessly tightened his lens on a BAG OF PEELED FINGERNAILS while the OCD contestant Brandon Green, who performed well belting out "Rich Girl" by Hall & Oates, rationalized to a green Seacrest the oxidation secrets of his prized yellowing human keratin trophies.
Contestant Jessica Brown was addicted to crystal meth in college, but her two kids and an inspirational Carrie Underwood song healed all that. She sang the hell out of a Pretenders song and made it through to Hollywood, the last place on earth a recovering addict needs to be.
There was preggers Antoria Gillon who went into labor as she was auditioning, with the b-roll of her post birth announcing new baby 'Idol." Can you imagine having to explain that unfortunate name selection your whole life?
Handsome and sweet Drew Poppelreiter, a hardworking farmer kid who would shame most American teens by the volume of his daily chores done without bitching, sang classic George Strait with "Check Yes or No." He has something. Maybe he can pen a motivational book for parents to light fires under their lazy kid's behinds.
There was giddy, ungainly Paul Stafford who got a "two thumbs up" from his family, and belted out Elliot Yamin's "Wait for You." Not his finest hour.
A strange, feral Kyle Reinnick sang "Never Again." He rocked some Pete Wentz-ish guy-liner and dragged a mural of his "kids" he works with. He looked like the result of a weird experiment that combined the DNA of Crispin Glover and Clay Aiken.
There was the poker-faced Tammy Tuzinski, who apparently understands the power of silence. Though not intentionally, she was hilarious, and I felt a bit bad after I had laughed so hard at her.
Blonde Angela Reilly was all Johnny Confidence as she dragged out her handsome new husband who had spent the night before pumping her up, regrettably. She couldn't believe the judges weren't blown away by her star wattage, "...a bad Karaoke singer, really?" she queries the panel over her shoulder before leaving the room.
Devo band member meets Mormon missionary Kyle Ensley is in college getting his political science degree and can carry a tune too. Simon says: "You weren't as bad as I thought you were going to be." He was sent through.
Yellow-haired Pia "Zpia" Easley hit paydirt with her soulful rendition of Gladys Knight's "I've Got to Use My Imagination." Simon adored her; she'll be around in the final 12.
Blonde beauty Alaina Whitaker at sixteen sang some Faith Hill and will be a player, she was really good.
Replete in biker boots and a gypsy scarf, quirky Kayla Hatfield was the token "rocker madman" of the night, as she sang Janis Joplin after we learned she had half her face ripped off in a car accident. Her vocals were too vibrato and forced for me, yet she scored a golden ticket.
Another blonde beauty, Katie Malloy sang very well, She looks like a million bucks and perked up Simon: "I think, of all the people we've seen so far this year, you're the best."
The weirdest contestant moment for me was the proud as a peacock virgin, Bruce Dickson who decided to sing a soulful song of lustful longing, yet couldn't keep from retelling his "I never kissed a girl" story so often that my sixteen year old son left the room in disgust, especially after seeing him insert his "key" charm necklace in his dad's "heart" being worn around his neck until "the one" for his son comes along.
Why some parents brainwash their maturing teens (this never been kissed guy is 19) that normal human sexual development is an evil beast that must be reined in or it is damnation time escapes me. I am sure some of you reading this will strongly disagree and surmise I am not voting for Huckabee.
The coup de grace for the producers was Renaldo Lapuz, resplendent in his all-white finery and topped with a pimping chapeau that had the word "Simon" glued to the front. Lapuz lauded Cowell: "Heaven's chosen to give chance to any talent for free of charge." He performed his brotherly love ditty while being mocked by the entire AI judge panel, even "nice" Paula. His segment ate up the last eleven minutes of the show.
See you after the San Diego tryouts.
