Recap: “Kitchen Nightmares” Babylonian boob tube

By April MacIntyre Sep 20, 2007, 14:48 GMT

British celebrity chef Gordon Ramsay .EPA/Rick Nederstigt

Taking his alpha male chef hat into a dodgy, Long Island restaurant kitchen, Gordon Ramsay stars in his latest reality series that aims to address the ills of lesser bistros and cafes.

The location of his first Pygmalion transformation is Babylon, New York, a seaside Long Island town that is home to Peter’s Italian Restaurant.

“Kitchen Nightmares” is a doppelganger of the British version of the same show, that essentially has Gordon act as coach, confidant and dictator coaxing and barking the best out of the owners and staff.

Unlike the riveting “Hell’s Kitchen,” this show has a heavy air of predictability and obviously staged moments. 

Ramsay’s producers structure the B-Roll in little, tell-all vignettes that immediately illuminate the core problem in Babylon, the restaurant namesake: Peter.

In stereotypical east coast Italian family drama, the famiglia all speak at once, no one listens and tears erupt from the frustration of poor communication. 

Their kitchen is a dog’s dinner of rotten food, failing equipment, and filled with enormous egos with the backdrop of resignation and depression.

John, the sous chef wants to be proud of his work again; he’s at his last tether. The head chef Robert has the air of a beaten dog, he’s so used to no one listening to him or investing into the business with a decent pot, pan or stove.  He has given up.

Peter’s sister Tina is in tears trying to make the business work, and her parents Yogi and Mum are quiet and have completely been overrun by their Frankenstein creation of a son, Peter, the first born Italian prince who yells first then asks questions after the fact.

You know this guy.  In high school he was either the insufferable jock or he was the fat kid who became the workout/steroid boy after school with something to prove. 

Not much analytical thought going on in Petie’s noggin.  He is pure limbic brain. “Ma, make me an espresso, Ma, make me a pineapple juice with seltzer, Ma, get me some baked clams…”

His job is to run the restaurant.  He mostly saunters around giving the food and wine away for free in misplaced acts of largesse.  Bill collectors hound him yet he drives a top-of-the-line Mercedes and sports a diamond encrusted Rolex.

Gordon begins by sampling their signature dishes.  A comedy of errors as manky lettuce lines the plate that present undercooked crab cakes, the resulting action is a gnashing of teeth, hurled blame-filled insults then shame inside the kitchen.

Next comes the lesson for Peter; Gordon sticks the "bull" into the china shop having Peter working back in the sub-standard kitchen, banging out orders.  

Of course it fails, we know it will. Peter is not cut out for real work.

Next the producers feature the secret remodeler elves who give the family a brand new kitchen: Stoves, ranges, freezers and fantastic new china.  Chef Robert is overwhelmed and in tears, and the entire Pellegrino family are beside themselves.

Most of the episode has Gordon talking Peter off a ledge of one crisis or another, his hot temper and lack of critical thinking are real problems.  

Ramsay sits the down and essentially tells them what to put on their new menu, and how to present it.

The new Peter’s Restaurant reopens and the locals (who probably know all about the Pellegrino’s and Peter’s idiosyncrasies) come in ready to be dazzled by family style portions and a "fresh" new menu.

The producers of “Kitchen Nightmares” promote this notion that the average restaurant owners need the entrepreneurial “genius” touch to re-educate them and save them from the abyss of incompetence and mediocrity.  

There’s no better raw material source to pull from than any family restaurant business for staging great melodramatic “unscripted” television.

I miss “Hell’s Kitchen.”

POSTSCRIPT

I just watched the British "Ramsay's Kitchen Nightmares," episode five, with the cafe, Momma Cherri's Soul Food Shack and its owner, Charita Jones, which aired on BBC America.

Head and shoulders, nay, light years better than the American version on FOX.  This is phenomenally more enjoyable and transfixing to watch. The voice-over is understated, and written with intelligence. 

The UK production is impressive as hell and treats the audience with respect, as if they can think for themselves. 

Unlike the American producers of "Kitchen Nightmares" who treat the viewers as if everything has to be dumbed down, targeting a common denominator of an IQ below room temperature,  as Fox does with so many of its shows.

Stop it! Please model the American version like the excellent British original series it is based on, or forever lose me to BBC America.