Rock the Cradle Results, Episode 2: Jesse is not Money, baby

MTV’s “Rock the Cradle” is like a televised car wreck.  You really don’t want to gawk but the power of something larger than yourself compels you to.

Nine singer progeny of famous crooners and rockers are vying for 100K and a recording contact.  The B Roll leading up to the competition shows the kids all puffing their chests out delusionally, “I was good, that judge is an a-hole,” and also reveals some tension too. Jesse Blaze throws it down with “boring” Crosby; Jesse Money totally “Mean Girls” it to lippy McGee, Chloe. “Your performance was SO good.”

Jesse Blaze

Jesse Blaze

Dee Snider gets the quote of the night: “My kid brings ass-kicking to the table,” and “Belinda is gonna hate ‘ya anyway” to his cute son on a shopping excursion, choosing trousers with mum and dad for the night’s performance.  Mum likes tight pants, more crotch reveal please while son Jesse Blaze Snider is wincing on camera.

Theme of the second show is parent’s choice.  Parents pick the songs,
Snider coaches Jesse on the Billy Idol song “Rebel Yell.”  The kid nails it, he was great.  June dug him too-she gave him a perfect 10, “you were born in leather diapers.”

Jamie loved it too, a 9, Belinda gave him an 8.5, “this week you were a rock star.”  Larry gave him an 8, “felt a bit like rock star karaoke to me, a great impersonation of Billy Idol…next week bring Jesse.” He is untouchable for the vote-off.

Lara

Lara

Lara Johnston gets “Respect” as her dad’s pick.  Skinny white girls cannot do big Black womens classics, sorry. Her vocals were thin and pitchy; she can shriek a mean tune.

Larry loves her, “little girl big voice” and compares her to Britney, gives her a 9, Belinda gives her an 8.5  “relax”, Jamie gives her a 6, “the stage performance is not where it needs to be…it’s Aretha Franklin, respect, come’ on!”

AKeiba

A’Keiba

A’Keiba Burrell-Hammer “Killing me softly,” poppa MC Hammer selects.  She was good, interesting arrangement too.
Judges come in at 7’s and 8’s, Jamie “need more from you” June was Tyra Banks: “Tragic, you look like a forty year-old woman.”

Crosby Loggins is next, “I Don’t Wanna Be”- He admits his dad’s performing skills are hard to come by for him.  “I have a lot of concern about being boring.”
He was good.  Not a sexpot like Jesse Blaze. 

Belinda kneecaps him with a 6.5, “a bit boring” and June gives him a 9, “take your shirt off!”  Larry gives him a 9, “first half coffee house, second half, 20K people in Madison Square Garden”

Landon Brown is up.  Dad Bobby picks “Superstition” He’s all swagger. He was o-kay.
Judge Belinda gives him a 9 – “very sexy”, Jamie gives him an 8.5, June too, and Larry gives him the worst score.

Lil B Sure! sings a Kate Bush song, “This Woman’s Work” He falsettos the shit out of it.  I love Kate’s version, this one made my dog crawl under the couch.

Judges Larry June and Jamie hate it, 5’s and 6’s, Belinda “you have to stop grabbing your crotch.”  P.S….Al B Sure is aging well, he is very handsome still, a DILF!  His voice could melt the parka off an Eskimo wench.

Chloe Lattanzi and Jesse Money are left, it is Jesse who was voted off and leaves.

Lucy Walsh is up to bat, and knocks another great performance out of the park.  Dad Joe is in the audience and the camera pans to him, the stage producer or manager didn’t cue the lights, so we see an outline of alleged attending papa Joe’s head. 

Walsh is really good, not perfect but she has the most checked boxes: Looks, vocal competence, personality, stage presence, personable…only Jesse Blaze matches her.  She will be one of the finalists if not the winner…
…and then we have Chloe, still batshit.  She was made for Lena Lovich covers.  Watch her performance:


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