Recap: Vanderpump Rules, The ‘I Have Eyes And Ears Everywhere’ Edition

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Truth? I don’t know what was funnier and more pathetic tonight on the latest episode of “Vanderpump Rules.” It was either Tom’s four-minute apology video to Scheana on YouTube or Jax getting Stassi’s tattoo covered up and getting Carmen’s name inked on, and then breaking up with her. Now he’s gotta have Tiffany’s name tattooed on his ass because he’s running out of room!

Okay, Jax is the clear winner.

But Andy Cohen has promised to skewer Tom on “Watch What Happens Live” tonight when he’s a guest. I’d love to stay up and watch that but we’re in the Atlantic time zone so I’ll have to DVR. It’s not worth staying up til 1 am for that silliness. I still want to see it later.

The episode began right in the middle of the fight that ended last week’s – and it got U-G-L-Y! Somebody dropped a bottle and a piece hit Scheana’s foot and sliced her open. Doesn’t she always end up broken? Ankles, eyes, teeth… Jesus H. Christ on a Popsicle Stick! She’s either gotta stop having parties or start dressing in bubble wrap.

“Can somebody tell me what happened? Why is my foot cut open right now?” Scheana wails. It’s my party and I’ll cry if I want too… She needs to work on having better guest lists. #sorrynotsorry

“After the way my last few parties went, I’m seriously considering having a dry wedding,” Scheana says. She obviously knows her friends and thinks the same way I do about her taste in people.

Tom got beat up in the fight and he’s mortified.

“I got my ass kicked last night,” Tom whines to Ariana. “I feel absolutely horrible. I’m extremely embarrassed. I feel defeated physically and mentally. It’s one of those feelings when you just want to crawl in a hole and disappear for five years.”

But instead he made a four-minute long pathetic YouTube video for Scheana apologizing for what happened at her birthday party. Was he drunk when he made that? What the hell was he thinking??? OMG It’s just too funny. Talk about making an embarrassing situation a humiliating nightmare. All by himself. Nice move, dude.

Tom’s apology video meant a lot to me,” Scheana says a little sarcastically. “Here’s the thing, if you want to earn my forgiveness there are two ways. A bottle of champagne or a four-minute long apologetic video where you look like a super pussy.” Tom chose door number two.

Schwartz is freaking out that he won’t get a job at the new Pump Restaurant because of his involvement in the fight.

“You do not tell Lisa about this,” Schwartz tells Jax because he didn’t get a job at Sur last year because of the fight at Scheana’s birthday party.

“This year, got a job lined up at Pump, got into a fight at Scheana’s birthday party. Don’t know if I’m gonna get the job,” Schwartz worries. Duh! I don’t think he’s a bad guy. I just think he’s ALWAYS in the wrong place at the right time. And he has a loser girlfriend in Katie.

Stassi was giving Schwartz tips on how to deal with Lisa… bahahaha!

“I’m the Lisa whisperer,” Stassi brags, and advises Schwartz to bow down to Lisa to save his job. Yeah, she’s the one to listen to. Lisa tolerates her because she’s known her since she was a little girl and because she makes for good drama on the show. But she hasn’t rehired her yet, has she?

Schwartz needn’t have worried because Lisa already knows.

“I have eyes and ears everywhere,” Lisa claims. But she didn’t know the shit show had gone down at her friend’s restaurant.

“I haven’t heard the whole story but this is two strikes against Tom,” Lisa tells Katie when she pathetically begs Lisa for mercy on Schwartz’s behalf.

“Will you please talk to Tom… just to hear him out,” Katie pleads.

Here’s the deal: Katie wants to get married but Schwartz won’t marry her til he has a solid job. So she chases Lisa down the sidewalk while she’s supposed to be working at Sur. She wants to know why Kristen and James aren’t in trouble but Schwartz is. Bad move. Lisa sends her packing like the pathetic little dog she is. Back to work bitch!

Lisa’s interviewing new people for the new restaurant. Maybe she does realize what a hot mess all the folks at Sur have become. She’s a savvy business woman and like I’ve said before, you know she has an entire staff actually working in the restaurant when they’re filming the show because the staff is too busy engaging in drama to actually service the guests.

“I’m hoping Pump can be its younger sibling, but free from so much stress,” Lisa says. She’s checking resumes carefully. “There is no room for error.” She doesn’t want rookies and sends them packing immediately.

“I’ll take a few of my anchors in but for the most part I want new fresh meat,” Lisa explains. This is probably all a new storyline because there can only be so many dramas at Sur with it being believable that she keeps them all employed.

Time for some throwdowns between the Sur and Pump Restaurant crews. Crips versus Bloods style.

Stassi is a non-entity in this episode except for watching Jax have her name demolished with more ink on his arm. And her apartment hunting with Katie and discussing her bathroom habits. These women have no boundaries.

Apparently, Stassi would rather walk to Starbucks to poop than go to the bathroom with her boyfriend in her apartment. Interesting. She must really stink. Poor Starbucks. Note to self: Locate and avoid closest Starbucks to where she lives. Ew. That poor coffee shop. Stassi’s private pooperie!

Jax and Tom are buds again. Ten years of friendship makes it okay for Jax to boink Tom’s girlfriend and them to stay friends. But he’s getting himself in trouble with women again.

“I think Jax is out of his head. He likes to take things to extremes,” Tom says. Jax had Stassi erased from one arm and Carmen’s name tattooed on the other. I wonder how Tiffany (the other woman in Las Vegas) feels about that. Jax says all the women are in the loop but as a woman, I doubt that’s entirely true. Although how could Tiffany miss Carmen’s name prominently displayed on his arm? #Awkward.

But it’s Tiffany he loves. A few minutes later.

“I can’t be with somebody here when I’m thinking about you,” Jax tells Tiffany when she comes to visit him.

“I don’t want to hurt the girl,” Jax says of how he’s going to dump Carmen. You know, the one he works with at Sur. That’s going to go over well with the whole crew I’m sure. They already think he’s a ManWhore. I agree. Double-bag that sucker – he’s gotta carry some nasty stuff!

Jax dumping Carmen was classic though because she threw it all right back in his face. And he’s the worst dumper in the history of the world. Couldn’t just spit it out. Had to hem and haw first. So classy to choose a pizza place to do the dumping. Why waste good money on real food for something that clearly won’t end well.

“I’m sorry, am I missing something? You told me you wanted me to have your baby just like a day ago. You tattooed my frickin name on your arm – that was a pretty clear image,” Carmen spits at him when he tries to tell her that she’s better off without him.

“You want your cake and you want to eat it too,” Carmen declares. “After this, I don’t want to see you again.”

“Why?” Jax actually has the nerve to look surprised.

“Because I don’t like you. You’re 35 years old. Stop with the partying. Get focused. Get on track. Get your life together,” Carmen tells Jax and they show a flashback of Stassi basically saying the same thing when she dumped his ass.

“I want somebody who has his shit together…” Stassi told him.

“You just look out for #1, which is you,” Carmen tells him. He wants to know why this is wrong. He is a moron.

“Obviously, being honest sucks. You know, kill the messenger kind of thing I guess,” Jax so doesn’t get it. He is the one who deserves to be shot in this situation. He’s lucky there were cameras there. Gotta say, Carmen looks rather nonplussed about the whole thing. I have a feeling she knew he was a short-timer and was laughing at the tattoo. He won’t laugh when they have to cover it. It’s bigger than the Stassi tat, and that hurt!

Schwartz pulls his mea culpa and goes to see Lisa with hat in hand.

“Why are you here?” Lisa asks, deadpan.

“Well, there was a barroom brawl,” Schwartz starts to explain what happened at the birthday party. Lisa asks where they were and freaks out.

“You were at Robert Earl’s? Did you know Robert Earl is a friend of mine?” Lisa looks like she’s going to reach across the table and choke him.

“This is an embarrassment for me,” Lisa spits. “You’re saying they actually kicked each other in my friend’s bar. That’s a fiasco as far as I’m concerned.”

“What can I do to make to make it up?” Schwartz pleads.

“Nothing,” Lisa replies.

“I’ll do whatever it takes,” Schwartz tells her.

“You haven’t got what it takes,” Lisa is done with him…. After she chews his ass. And says she’s calling a staff meeting. Cuz that’s clearly going to solve the problem.

Teasers for next week show Lisa bringing down the hammer on her Sur crew.

“You guys are going out and acting like trash actually,” Lisa is appalled.

It looks like she’s going to fire somebody or threaten to – but we all know production probably won’t let her. It’s all just for the drama or most of them would have been shit-canned last year. She’s a businesswoman.

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Sandy Malone is the star of TLC’s reality show “Wedding Island” and a regular blogger for the Huffington Post and Monsters and Critics. Sandy is the owner of Weddings in Vieques, a successful Caribbean destination wedding planning company based on Vieques Island just off the coast of Puerto Rico. She also owns Weddings in Culebra, Flowers on Vieques and Boutiques in Vieques. Please follow her on Twitter!

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