Aaron jason SilverNov 4th, 2006 - 17:58:58

THE DANGERS OF 'THE CLOSET'


In the wake of all of the recent sex scandals in the past couple of years, months, weeks and days in Washington and elsewhere that occasionally monopolize the news because they often involve high profile individuals such as politicians, clergy etc. For this reason I believe it is high time that the 'closet' needs to be mentioned and understood. I believe it will provide the necessary context from which to view some of these scandals. The closet, meaning where people hide heir sexual orientation, whether one is a man or woman but particularly I am speaking of men at this time because I believe men use the closet even more often than woman because of societies very narrow view and expectations of what behaviors are considered appropriate for men. Woman can be Tomboys much easier than men can be sissies. Of course not all gay men are effeminate by a long shot but that is a stereotypical image of gay men and therefore many men attempt to cover up any behaviors they may have and believe may bring on suspicion. Therefore men, whether they be gay or straight, will practice stereotypical masculine behaviors to thwart any suspicion often out of fear and necessity, particularly if they feel pressure to do so to protect their careers or career advancement. However, many gay men for a variety of reasons whether they have difficulties reconciling their religious views with their natural inner feelings and same sex attractions or also may do so out of fear of social denunciation. These men will then join the astounding numbers of men that are also hiding in the closet.



The fear of being discovered can be enormous and absolutely terrifying. These men will often then do what they believe society expects from them. They will often marry and have children perhaps out of desperation in an always unsuccessful attempt at trying to make these natural longings go away and try and hide these powerful feelings of attraction that we all know very well and have experienced ourselves whether toward the same sex or the opposite sex, its all the same. They may also marry and have homosexual secret liaisons with men and feel terrible guilt in doing so. They will do their very best to compartmentalize their lives the best that they can, but I believe and have found that the longer one stays in the closet the more damage is done to them emotionally. It is very difficult to compartmentalize for a long period of time these very powerful feelings without developing some emotional problems to varying degrees. Also many develop coping mechanisms such as addictive behaviors of all sorts whether they be alcoholism, prescription or non prescription abuse. They may develop addictions to pornography sexual addiction or other self-destructive ways of acting out. Once again unfortunately the longer one stays in the closet there will also then be more victims because of their closeted lifestyle choice. The victims may be their wives and children, their friends, parents and siblings, all feeling like they have been betrayed if their true nature is discovered as it was for ex-governor of New Jersey, Mr. McGreevy. I feel very sad for the victims as well as I very much understand the sadness and despair he and many others feel once the closet door is flung open. For some, the shame is just too unbearable and suicide seems like the only alternative to ending their pain and shame.



Society needs to take some responsibility with this matter of the closet by being more accepting of alternative lifestyles. Without the closet just think of how much less pain many people and families would have to endure. Not only the ones that feel that living in the closet is their only alternative but for the victims that find themselves feeling betrayed and the breaking up of families. We as a culture have some soul searching to do on this matter and not be so self-involved and self-righteous. There are a variety of ways of loving and living. We need to accept that what seems to be normal for some is not necessarily normal for all. With what I have just said in no way excuses adult men from making wrong choices that victimize others such as the irresponsible behaviors demonstrated by the now ex-congressmen Foley. I'm not even going to go so far as to say his closet behaviors are the reason for his conduct. I don't know. I don't know him. However, as I said the closet can cause deep and very troubling emotional problems that can manifest in abhorrent behaviors. This may or may not be the cause of his behaviors. However one thing I do know is that he does know what's right and wrong and as he surely knew, his attractions to under aged teens is not only illegal but inappropriate an attraction and should have sought therapy before creating victims. However, because there is still so much shame yet in this day and age and our rather hypocritical puritanical society, cause many gays to not seek help concerning issues they may be struggling with from the appropriate professionals. I generally do not recommend clergy because it can cause further damage do to their religious agendas which can deepen one's shame and depression. The is a very complicated issue that society has to become more compassionate about or we will continue to shame gays enough and inhibit their comfort level preventing them from seeking the appropriate help for any specific personal issues in which they may be struggling with.



One can read more about this issue and many other disturbing issues involving gay culture of today in my new book; 'why gay men do what they do', an inside look at gay culture.

Report this comment

HulahoopNov 4th, 2006 - 18:49:09

I believe everyone has the right to live as they choose, whether in the closet or out, gay or straight. I object to those 'do-gooders' out there who feel they have the right to 'out' someone, famous or not, just because they feel someone's private life should be made public.

Report this comment

kimNov 4th, 2006 - 20:01:40

I feel that it is the right of the individual to come out or not. Having been closeted for most of my 66 years I am now out but feel uncomfortable in many, many situations. When I am with a straight crowd and I feel disapproval I am 2 inches tall. When with a dominately gay crowd I feel 12 feet tall and invincible. Go figure!!!! It is what society does to us.

Report this comment

Patrick in KYNov 4th, 2006 - 20:58:32

Kudos to Hilton. It is immoral to hide one's sexuality in such important times for the Gay Lesbian Civil Rights Movement. Hiding in the closet, when one is a celebrity, is not a matter of personal privacy. It is a cowardly self-serving act. When there are so many lies being spread by powerful men about gay people and their families, choosing to remain silent is a powerful political act of appeasement to all those who vilify us daily. Gay celebrities who remain silent during these tumultuous times are irresponsible and further the taboo and stigma that plagues gay people. They do not deserve any kind of respect or empathy from gay activists who have brought the freedoms as gay people they surely already enjoy and take for granted. Let's bring them all out even if it means bringing them out kicking and screaming.

Report this comment

LeahNov 4th, 2006 - 21:12:28

I really must agree with the two posters who think it's invasion of privacy to 'out' other people against their will. Jodie Foster is well within her rights as a citizen of our nation to insist that her sexuality is her own business. She might be a lesbian, she might be asexual, she might be straight--whatever she is lies outside her career. Anyway, the less we know about celebrities, the easier it is to view their work without any biases; just look at what's happened to Tom Cruise. The same phenomenon applies to knowing the sexuality of other famous people.

If someone in the limelight chooses to make their sexuality known and to celebrate it, that's great, too, because those individuals do so with full knowledge of the consequences and accept them. It could be very unhealthful for others, though, when their 'outing' is thrust upon them.

Of course, the alternative, especially for politicians, religious leaders, CEOs, etc., is that if a 'sex scandal' erupts, they face horrible shame and taunting, even gleeful accusations about their hypocrisy in having kept their sexuality private, even from spouses (though we don't usually know--and don't need to know--how complicit the spouse is in the gay person's double life).

It's all very well for people to decide what 'ought to be,' regarding our society's level of acceptance and tolerance and what level actually exists. Trying to force that 'ought to be' world on others who don't wish to face the realities of having their sexual preferences 'outed' in the world THEY actually live in, is selfish, cruel, and equally as self-righteously dogmatic as any Foley or Haggerd out there in the REAL world.

Report this comment

delightpinkNov 4th, 2006 - 21:25:29

I think celebrities have a right to their privacy and it's up to them if they want to make public their sexual preference. I enjoy Perez Hilton's blog. His comments are very entertaining and I agree with most of his postings. But I wouldn't badger celebrities to come out because it's their own personal business plus I really don't care. I'm not a gay person so maybe its a bigger issue to those who belong to that orientation.

Perez is simply indulgent fluffy entertainment and sometimes you just want to have a taste of some brutal truth. His opinions are merely opinions. Perez is a delight to have on the Internet when you just want to have some fun. I don't take him too seriously.

Report this comment

DebbieNov 4th, 2006 - 21:39:37

I've been curious about this for a while now: Why is it so important to know whether someone is gay or straight?

Report this comment

Patrick in KYNov 4th, 2006 - 22:25:31

The comments above show a shallow understanding of power, evil and responsibility in this particular matter. It is important for people in the public eye to come out if they are gay. Why? Because we live in a time when gay people are vilified and scapegoated and all based on lies and stereotypes. To remain silent by using the privacy excuse is irresponsible, indefensible and cowardly.

If you are a gay celebrity or politician who has ever associated with anti-gay forces or actively promoted gay stereotypes then you DESERVE to be outed as a gay person. It is a moral imperative of other gay people who do the battles and who fight the fight.

One has the freedom to be as private as one wishes, but one is not free of the ramifications of such a choice. Those who hide behind the privacy excuse and remain silent rather than using their notoriety to make at least a small positive contribution to the Gay Lesbian Civil Rights Movement by coming out deserve nothing but contempt and ridicule by those who fight on their behalf every day. And be assured those celebrities who choose to remain closeted do so while enjoying the greater freedoms and acceptance that has been won for them by the courageous out gay men and women that have come before them.

It is a moral issue. It is a matter of honesty. It is a matter of responsibility. If you are a gay celebrity and choose to remains silent about the enormously important civil rights movement for gay people running its course this very day in the U.S., then I am compelled to call you out. Privacy be damned.

All gay people, whether they are out or in, enjoy the social freedoms and acceptance that gay activist have won for them over the last 50 years. To take advantage of those freedoms without taking responsibility to further them or at the very least vocally support them... well that is indefensible. Again, privacy is a pathetic excuse for this sort of moral apathy.

One can keep private about all sort so things in one's life, we are all free to make choices to be private when it comes to any matter we so choose. But it is not the right of the individual to claim they are beyond judgment by their peers when they choose to remain closeted/private/silent in the national conversation currently taking place in this country. And that judgment is easily that these closeted celebrities are moral cowards undeserving of compassion or empathy or privacy.

Just as they have the right to try to be as private as they so choose, we have the right of free speech. I say the privacy excuse is a load of crap used by those who wish to enjoy the benefits of the Gay Lesbian Civil Rights Movement while not being inconvenienced by reality and responsibility. But as we know from history, there are always those who do nothing even when their voices could have made a difference.

But as history also shows us, it is acceptable to call those who appease through silence out. Call them out Perez! Call them out!

Report this comment

David KennerlyNov 5th, 2006 - 01:25:03

No, Patrick. What's immoral is when one person decides for another person how they should live. This applies to people who feel they should have something to say about another's sexuality and it also applies to people who feel that individuals have no right to privacy in their personal lives (yes, even celebrities). And when you force 'out' another person, for whatever reason, you are immorally violating their privacy. You may not have broken a law, but you have committed a gravely immoral and unethical act. Also, the presumptuousness of such an act is breathtakingly arrogant in that you cannot possibly know what unintended consequences, and serious harm, may result from your sanctimonious 'outing' of another person. The entirety of their life circumstances may not be apparent to you, regardless of how much trivial celebrity gossip you may consume.

I'm queer. I'm out. But you're a silly and insecure little imbecile if you think it's any of your business.

Report this comment

KrystalNov 5th, 2006 - 01:37:24

Dayumn I don't want to know if Wentworth Miller is Gay! Man he's sooooo cute! We ladies want to continue to believe he's single, hetero & looking! For a woman that is.

Remember, they're almost 300 million people in America. According to US stats - 100 million reported last year alone that they were single(without a spouse OR partner, female or male). That said, still why can't the beautiful Queen Latifah find a decent man....she says she wants to get married. I think in Hollywood & High-Society, people are very bored these days. So many people are trying out different things(gay, straight, bi-sexual etc.) that THEY DON'T EVEN KNOW WHAT THEY'RE SEXUAL ORIENTATION IS ANYMORE!

I heard that Eddie Murphy is REALLY GAY! Apparently there is a rumour that his wife caught him in bed with another man...a famous singer.The reason for the divorce. Apparently he's liason with Scary Spice is supposedly a cover-up.
Remember he picked up a transvetite hooker a few years ago in a red light district - he claimed he was lost & giving a 'lady' a ride home...yeah right!~!

Does anyone know if this Eddie Murphy rumour is TRUE or just more nasty gossip?

Report this comment