Celebrity Roundup

By Stone Martindale Aug 26, 2006, 3:01 GMT

LOS ANGELES-In case you missed anything this week, here is the reader's digest condensed version of recent celebutard news: 

• Nicole Richie has art band The Spores mock her at Viper Room, vows legal action and still is maintaining hunger strike.
• Snakes On A Plane is the crap everyone expected, but secretly hoped would be more.
• Redstone Vs. Cruise: The Paramount lot is swept clean of C/W Productions.  Tom “hedging” bets.
• Snakes On A Plane has actual snakes reported in movie theater-mass hysteria for media.
• Federline completely embarrasses the white race and makes hip hop community groan.
• Robert Evans pissed off Martin Landau plays Robert Evans on HBO’s Entourage
• Survivor: Cook Island puts a 1936 Olympics racial spin to further harmony between the races.

• Missy Elliot asks for the moon, gets it from promoters.
• The Beckham's make even more money showing off Posh’s bum in ads
• J Lo not pregnant, “it’s a Puerto Rican tummy!”
• Britney Spears still has no handlers.
• Jerry Lewis is a-okay and gearing up for telethon
• Michael Douglas has new face
• Catherine Zeta-Jones missing a toe nail due to clumsy grip on her new film
• Bush still crap, according to Prescott
• Catty Couturier Lagerfeld says youth is wasted on the young
• Elton loves his doggies
• Clooney nearly gets malaria trying to do good.
• Angelina hides in car with Brad until dad goes away from party
• Aniston’s Dad John has heart attack, she’s okay.
• Vaughn still not engaged to Jennifer
• Brad and Angelina and Tom and Katie still unmarried
• Paris Hilton and Brandon Davis save some shekels and shack up together
• Springsteen falls for new red-head
• Lindsay Lohan and Paris Hilton-Brandon Davis feud still going strong
• Creepy blonde named Caprice cops to bad breathe instead of being pissed drunk like she was.
• Lewis Black takes on corporate America and healthcare crisis
• Stephen Colbert trouncing Chuck Norris in Hungarian Bridge contest
• Whitney Houston may need crack pipe again, Osama is hot for her.
• No one of note drunkenly drove this week
• Bill Macy slams Lohan for tardiness. • Japanese people laughing behind Paris Hilton's back to noise of Paris CD       • Owen Wilson sees London breasts, still isn't talking about  Kate.