Paris Hilton CD reviews are in: How many synonyms of “crap” are there?

Paris Hilton’s latest musical offerings ”Turn It Up” and ”I Want You,” a pair of tracks off her forthcoming release and Scott Storch produced Paris has AOL Music, a spider leg attached to WB and Time Warner (who also own TMZ), streaming the entire album this week, and according to, “ it’s worse than I had ever imagined. Horronkulous.”

The opening track of ”Yeah, that’s hot” to the painful spoken-word interlude on ”Jealousy” (sample lyric: “Everything I did, I did because I cared”)

Stated, “it’s clear that just as the emperor had no clothes, the heiress has no voice, and there’s not any amount of vocal layering or expensive production that can disguise it. Not that it’ll stop Paris from infecting the airwaves.”

TMZ’s Harvey Levin had garnered a one-on-one with the heiress, which he used to read verbatim the actual reader comments of his TMZ website routinely post to the site hoping to elicit “publicist-approved tears Matt Lauer recently coaxed from an embattled Britney Spears.” According to

Hilton did not crack, not even at the accusation that she is “like a fart in a mitten.”

Levin asked Hilton about such comments as, “Paris is just an overused human condom,” “Paris is like a fart in a mitten. You know it’s there, you can’t stand it, but you can’t get rid of it,” and “Would you please drop over dead or commit suicide you damn slut.”

Hilton said “I’m far less promiscuous than any of my friends.” As for the infamous sex tape with ex-lover Rick Solomon, Hilton said “I’m judged because of something that an ex-boyfriend did to me. I’m not a slut at all.”

Hilton says that many of the TMZ comments are “very hurtful” to her and that some make her cry. She says “They think I don’t have any feelings.”

Trying to make it through all 11 tracks will be a trial, yet sums up the task, “and while the artist herself has been sent into fits of open weeping over the sheer intensity of its hotness, less partisan reviews have been mixed, with critics sharply divided over exactly which numbered sign of the apocalypse its arrival signals.”

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