Movies Reviews

Conan the Barbarian – Movie Review

By Anne Brodie Aug 18, 2011, 13:10 GMT

The most legendary Barbarian of all time is back this Summer. Having thrived and evolved for eight consecutive decades in the public imagination - in prose and graphics, on the big screen and small, in games and properties of all kinds- Conan\'s exploits in the Hyborian Age now come alive like never before in a colossal 3D action-adventure film. A quest that begins as a personal vendetta for the fierce ...more

Jason Momoa’s turn as the iconic Conan the Barbarian is somewhat less than glorious and for a remake of a beloved story, it’s a deal breaker.  

With his Valley accent, glaring white teeth and superbly coifed hair and waxed eyebrows, there’s about as much authenticity here as there is in the heavy handed, stupefying CGI which hammers audience in to senselessness.  

New Conan has none of the regal, noble savage vibe that Arnold exuded although he’s certainly as mighty and fearsome in appearance.  

Shallow observations aside, Conan personifies the screen gore that is so popular amongst young viewers and fans of the original.  But it doesn’t come from him as much as it does the artists behind the computer. 

There’s s strange lifelessness to the characters, the stagey fights and the film in general.

The story is familiar.  Conan is born to a Cimmerian woman dying on the battlefield, felled by brutes of an enemy tribe.  His first taste isn’t mother’s milk but mother’s blood.  It shapes his life; he craves revenge and becomes a bloodthirsty and exceedingly clever fighter whose gift borders on supernatural. 

His father Corin (Ron Perelman), who is incidentally 99% fur, teaches him in the ways of the warrior and nobility of character.  Noble here means patiently vengeful.   He wanders the mountains and plains waiting for his moment.

Conan finally comes face to face with the people who murdered his mother and wiped out his village.  They are a huge nation with weaponry and magic at the ready.  He encounters the king and his witch daughter Marique (Rose McGowan) who is the worst of the enemy bunch. 

Her slashing metal hand and intense sense of smell are her super powers and she’s driven by her connection to her father.  There is a strange flirtatious vibe there too that’s a little disturbing.  McGowan has a thankless job here delivering cringe worthy lines, with a vampiristic expression … or is it insane cat?  Embarrassing.

Rachel Nichols is Tamara, Conan’s g.f., a monk who can fight with the best of them while looking like an innocent, freshly plucked daisy.  She allies herself with Conan and they fight the good fight to the most obvious arc ever.   Nichol’s is the one character I buy here.  She is authentic and has complex inner life, which shines through the constant flying gore and noise. 

It is always amusing to see how women are treated in film through the ages.   Back here in primitive Hyboria, the women are startlingly beautiful, again with the teeth and waxed brows, buff bodies and amazing hair.  How did they do it?  The secondary male characters look like they were pulled through a filthy hedge backwards and then kicked down the street.  That way you know who to root for and who to lust for and who to boo. 

Overall, the movie is big and brassy, empty and ultimately a bore.  Arnold!  Come back!

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35mm sci fi fantasy
Written by Thomas Dean Donnelly, Joshua Oppenheimer, Sean Hood, Robert E. Howard
Directed by Marcus Nispel
Opens:  August 19
Runtime:
MPAA:
Country: US
Language: English