The Unseen Movie Review: A letter to Harrison Ford

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By Robert Dixter Feb 20, 2006, 18:07 GMT

A job, a wife, a baby and no free time. I haven’t seen the films but based on what I’ve heard and know, we’ll see if the movie is worth it. It’s the UNSEEN MOVIE REVIEW.

Dear Harrison,I haven’t seen your new movie Firewall, because I saw Hollywood Homicide and K:19 and still feel like you owe me $20. When somebody pays you $20 million, you really need to have a better opening weekend than $13.6 million. Imagine if all movie stars acted like that? The system would be in chaos! Next thing you know Marisa Tomei would win an Oscar. So what seems to be the problem? You haven’t had a hit since What Lies Beneath and that was 5 years ago. I’ve got a few tips I think you need to follow to get yourself out of this funk before people start comparing you to Geena Davis and you end up doing episodic television.1) Scripts – anybody that can read English can tell that Hollywood Homicide would not make a good movie. In fact, even if you only spoke Hebrew and had to turn the script upside down to make heads or tails of it, you would still know that Hollywood Homicide was a script only Josh Hartnett could say yes too. You need someone to help you pick your scripts. You need a young and hungry agent. How could you pass on the Michael Douglas role in Traffic? It’s a great part, has great scenes with Erika Christensen and hey, dummy it got nominated for a bunch of Oscars. Stop signing up for the money! Do you really need more? Start looking for quality. Did you really think a movie with the name Firewall would make for a good film?2) Director – Steve Spielberg is a busy guy. He was running a studio, and I think he has close to eight children he has to take care of. He cannot make every movie with you the way Scorsese works with Leo, or how Soderbergh turned Clooney’s career around. You need to find quality directors, even if they are only 25 years old. Richard Loncraine made a turd of a film called Wimbledon. I had more fun changing my kid’s diaper after his birthday cake than watching that film. It was awful and boring, so why would you hook up with him for Firewall? Try Michel Gondry or Chris Nolan. These guys have made some pretty good films. Or go in the other direction all together and do a Woody Allen film and hopefully it will turn out like Match Point. Be nice on set and work hard, and hopefully you can develop a relationship with these guys and make a few films with them. (Seems I need to tell 63 year old actors the same thing I tell 2 year old boys).3) Act! You may not be the best actor out there but I know you’ve got the chops. I saw them in Witness and in Star Wars (if you think Harrison didn’t make that film what it is you’re crazy). Stop playing the same stupid role that you do in Firewall, Hollywood Homicide and even K:19 with a bad Russian accent. (It’s the older cranky guy role who needs to add more prunes to his diet). Take a look at Bruce Willis. The guy is 50 and can still turn in the action roles like the upcoming 16 Blocks but will balance it out with independent films like Sin City or Alpha Dog where he gets a chance too show his range. Even Stallone proved his worth in Cop Land.I write this letter because I care Harrison. You’ll notice I didn’t say anything about the stupid earring or your girlfriend Calista (both of which should go). It’s time to turn this slump around, or forget everything I just said and keep banking on Indiana Jones 4 to save you.

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Aldo BianchiFeb 21st, 2006 - 23:05:17

I forgot to tell you to watch 'Unhook the StARS' with Gena Rowlands & Marisa Tomei if you want to see great acting. Also check 'The Slums of Beverly Hills' &
'Untamed Heart'. You probably haven't seen any of them but you act as though you are actually aa film critic. You know nothing.

Aldo Bianchi

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ALDO BIANCHIFeb 23rd, 2006 - 16:02:10

Marisa Tomei can act rings around Harisson Ford.If you knew anything about her career you'd know that.
She won a Theater World Award for her stage acting in 'Daughters', she was nominated for an Emmy for a TV special'Supermom's Daughter', in addition to 'My Cousin Vinny':she was nominated for another Oscar for her outstanding work in'In The Bedroom', she was lauded for her Broadway performance in 'Salome' with Al Pacino and she was nominated for a SAG award for her acting in the wonderful film with Gena Rowlands & Gerard Depardieu, 'Unhook the Stars'.
She is, in fact, one of the best if not the best actress of her generation.

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