Perfectionists seek recognition, but often find themselves lonely

By Carina Frey Apr 19, 2007, 3:48 GMT

Hamburg - Some women run their lives quite efficiently. At work they do the job of a colleague who is off sick, in the afternoon they help their children do their homework and in the evening they provide career advice to their husbands.

However, they are not always recognized for all the things they do, and in many cases that leads to frustration. The bottom line is efficient women are usually perfectionists and they can be difficult to live with.

'Their conduct is fixed by high expectations of themselves and a distinct feeling of responsibility,' said Beate Scherrmann- Gerstetter, a German author with a degree in pedagogy based in Schwaebisch Hall. A comment that sounds positive can get on their nerves. Female perfectionists see problems where others see nothing to worry about, and they know what's best for everyone else.

'Actually, what these perfectionist women want to hear is, 'It's amazing how you manage everything,'' said Christine Weiner, an author and consultant from Mannheim.

Psychologist Rolf Merkle, also of Mannheim, agreed, saying female perfectionists have low self esteem and therefore define themselves through recognition by others. They also secretly expect others to be nice to them. When their husbands are in a bad mood or mumbling about something, they see that as insult.

'They are thinking, 'this isn't fair. I do so much for him, he could at least get himself together,' said Scherrmann-Gerstetter.

Female perfectionists themselves learned early in life to get themselves together and not to allow themselves to become a burden on others. Scherrmann-Gerstetter calls them 'good daughters.'

'Good daughters have already achieved things in their childhood,' said Scherrmann-Gerstetter. They wanted to support their overburdened parents and make things easier for them.

For this type of woman it is therefore understandable that they think ahead and do jobs for others. That can go quite well for years, but often there's a clash at some point in time. Sometimes the crisis begins outside her realm, when, for example, her husband suddenly gets a girlfriend.

'More perfectionist women are left by their husbands than women who are not in that category,' said Weiner, adding that there is nothing sexy about perfectionism.

For women who want to change, the first step out of the perfectionist's cycle is to seek the cause.

'What helps further is for a woman to reposition herself in her relationship with her parents,' Scherrmann-Gerstetter advises. 'Get rid of the notion that you can change the fate of your parents and that you have to make everything right in order to be loved.'

Weiner also recommends women who are perfectionists rethink their own roles. 'What roles do you have? Which are especially distinctive?' If too much energy is flowing into household manager duties, that should change.

Another aspect of rethinking roles requires women not to want to manage everything and to be open to the point of view of others.

'Don't try to always have the solution for everything ready,' Weiner said. And finally, it's important to hold back your own requirements, she added. ''Perfect' people can put pressure on others. Admitting one's weaknesses is human and perhaps people who can do that are more beloved because they are not so perfect.'