Parents don't always have to agree on child-rearing

By Lea Sibbel Feb 16, 2012, 3:06 GMT

Berlin - Mothers and fathers can have different priorities in raising their children without detriment to the kids, but it's important that each parent consistently enforces his or her rules.

A child reveals a lot when he blurts out in a fit of frustration that something Mom won't allow is perfectly OK with Dad. There are differences like these in every family. It only becomes a big problem when the parenting style of the mother and father fundamentally contradict each other, said Yves Haenggi of a family research and counselling institute at the University of Fribourg in Switzerland.

'In that case children have too little orientation. Their father says one thing, the mother another.' When that happens children have a difficult time assessing things.

Why are parents unable to agree when it comes to something as basic as child-rearing? Manfred Holodynski, a professor at an institute for psychology at the University of Muenster in Germany, sees changing values in society - in addition to the parents' individual experiences in their own upbringing - as a possible trigger for conflict.

'Up until the 60s values such as order and obedience were important,' said Holodynski. 'This was relatively clear. One of the parents was the ultimate authority.'

Since then autonomy and free will have moved into the foreground, and in the area of child-rearing this change has brought a lot of insecurity. Parents are asking how many borders they should set if their child is to be independent, said Holodynski.

'It doesn't matter if one partner wants to set stricter boundaries for the children than the other, one bit of advice all parents should follow is never be indifferent to the other's rules,' said Holodynski. 'It's important to demonstrate that you are interested.'

'For children the important question is, 'Who has time for me?' and not 'Who allows me to do something?'' said Remo Largo, professor emeritus for paediatrics at the University of Zurich. If parents are sometimes not in agreement, children do not inevitably interpret it as conflict.

'In many families the reality is that the parents are not always pulling together,' said Largo. 'It becomes a problem only if the parents play their differences against each other.'

A child could react by withholding his affection, for example, if he doesn't approve of his parents' decisions, Holodynski said.

Experts provide some advice on how partners can reach agreement despite their differing parenting styles and how to be able to hold their own against the will of their children. 'The prerequisite of child-rearing is a coherent relationship with the child. This is reached by creating quality time and taking on problems together,' said Haenggi.

Parents should show tolerance for the decisions of their partner. One clear guideline is that the rules of the parent who made the first decision apply initially. This also works when a quick solution in a spontaneous situation must be found. A conflict should never escalate into a full-blown fight in front of the children.

'Fighting in front of the children has negative effects,' said Largo. But conflicts needn't be entirely avoided. When the parents discuss a problem with each other constructively, the children can learn from it. 'A family conference is a good way to find a solution together.'

The approach to conflict in a family plays an important role, especially when opinions in child-rearing are far apart. Often the two partners never learned how to agree on something when they were just a couple. When a child enters the relationship it leads to fighting between the partners.

In cases like these help from a professional can be sought. Lessons in parenting attempt to make clear how mother and father interact and teach parents how to handle conflict. In these sessions the trainer places a high value on two principles: consistency and routine. Even when partners don't agree it helps the child when his mother and father are consistent because their reactions are easier for the child to gauge.