When a pet dies, it's best to tell children the truth

By Julia Kirchner Feb 9, 2012, 3:06 GMT

Berlin - Waking up to find a pet dead in its cage can be very traumatic for children and it can leave parents feeling helpless.

In such instances it's best to be honest with the child. A 6-year-old boy, for example, who's used to being followed around by the family's Labrador must be told the whole story if the dog gets sick and must be put down. Parents often are not prepared for the sadness the child experiences.

They find themselves helplessly looking on as the child sits in front of the dog's empty bed. They ask themselves whether the animal should be buried in their garden or somewhere else on their property and also wonder whether they should go out immediately and buy a new pet. Experts recommend handling the situation openly and without glossing over anything.

One of the most important things parents must do is take their children's pain seriously. This also applies when the pet that died is a small animal. The importance of the relationship between the child and the pet has nothing to do with its size as it might with grownups.

'A child can mourn the loss of a mouse,' said Andrea Beetz, who teaches at an institute for special education at the university in Rostock, Germany. And the ties between children and animals are usually very close, Beetz added. 'Animals are treated like family members or friends.'

Studies have shown that children who have pets have less stress, more confidence in themselves and are more at ease about approaching other children. When the animal dies, the shock is therefore immense. This also makes the reaction of the parents very important.

'Parents should never keep secret the death of a pet,' said Silke Haase, a psychotherapist in Berlin. This is the wrong approach even if the animal were to die when the child is in school. Some parents immediately decide to replace an animal such as a hamster with one that looks similar, hoping that the child won't notice the difference.

'It's better when children are told the true reason for the death of the animal,' said Haase. 'They can detect when parents are keeping something from them.'

If the animal dies unexpectedly, there is usually no chance to involve children in decisions about the pet, but it's a different situation when the animal has been suffering for a long time and the veterinarian must be consulted about putting it to sleep. Generally, children can be present for this procedure, but parents should clarify whether the children really want to be there, said Haase.

Beetz said that in her experience children are able to handle the situation in varying degrees. It's important to talk with children about the experience.

How children can get over the death of a pet is the subject of a German-language book by Swedish author Ulf Nilsson about the death of a hamster. Nilsson wrote the book from his daughter's perspective.

'The death of a hamster can be more difficult for children than the death of a relative in a hospital,' said Nilsson. In the story he attempts to find words for mourning, adding that when children have the vocabulary they need they are better able to deal with the situation. No matter how the pet died, children need rituals to cope. This can be in the form of a farewell letter or one of its possessions such as a blanket laid in its grave.