How jealousy can put a strain on friendships

By Lea Sibbel Jan 12, 2012, 3:06 GMT

Berlin - Callers to youth hotlines often are dealing with the same emotion: jealousy.

In most cases it's not jealousy in their romantic relationships, but jealousy that has arisen in their friendships. They can't understand why a particular girlfriend always seems to be in the limelight and they must stand in her shadow, or why everything always seems to work out positively for that particular friend.

Experts say it's all part of growing up: There is jealousy not only in romantic relationships, but also in friendships. And the experts say these feelings shouldn't be suppressed, rather recognized for what they are.

Jana Berwig, director of a youth hotline service in Germany, said jealousy presents a difficult situation for many young people, who want to know what can they do if the feeling seems to be getting worse.

'First you have to recognize that it is bitter,' said Karin Hauffe-Boje, a psychotherapist for children and young people in Bremen. Jealousy that arises when someone is always in the shadows and never gets to be the centre of attention can be a burden on a friendship. Usually the problem is less about another person than it is about the person who feels jealous.

'Jealousy is all about self-esteem. You have to stop judging yourself and comparing yourself with others,' Hauffe-Boje said. But that is easier said than done. The first thing to examine is why a friend seems to get all the attention. Is it always the case or only in certain situations?

'Perhaps you would recognize that there is something that you do especially well and you are the centre of attention when it comes to that topic,' said Achim Broeger, who is working on a book about the subject.

'Perhaps you have selected an environment in which you are at a disadvantage and you are judging yourself too harshly,' said Hauffe-Boje. She advises young people to seek a hobby in which they find the recognition they need and that will distract them from the gnawing feelings of jealousy. For many it is sport. This is where they can develop their own strengths.

Aside from taking up a new hobby or pursuing sport, another possibility lies in expanding friendships. 'In another circle of friends you might possibly receive the recognition and compliments that are lacking in the first circle of friends,' said Broeger.

Before jealousy over one friend's popularity forces a distance between two friends, a conversation over the problem can help maintain the friendship. 'We advise talking about the matter. It is important to stick to your feelings in the conversation and refrain from making any accusations,' said Berwig.

Hauffe-Boje also advises against reacting aggressively. Recognizing that the other person is not to blame can help in dealing with the situation and perhaps even making the jealous feelings go away.

Sometimes, however, a friend's charisma is simply too great and it's impossible to remain calm about it. 'Then you end up in a maelstrom and you disappear next to her,' said Hauffe-Boje. In such cases distance is the best solution. 'Then you might discover that you are more quiet and reserved and that these are qualities that other people value.' Broeger added: 'If a girlfriend generally isn't doing me any good, I have to be courageous enough to draw the line.'

It is important to find out whether you feel comfortable in the limelight away from the dominance of a girlfriend. Perhaps the friendship itself provoked the negative feeling and not just the attention. Some young people feel perfectly fine in someone else's shadow especially when they find that that person's shine rubs off on them, said Broeger.

Things can get a degree more difficult when love enters the picture. What if someone's best friend always seems to be successful in getting a boyfriend? Or a girl feels she is only used by boys who hope to get close to her girlfriend? 'Then it can really hurt the friendship,' said Berwig. 'If it's a good friend, then I can simply tell her that someone is interested in her.'