Falling for another? Take a look at the big picture before a break-up

By Aliki Nassoufis Dec 15, 2011, 3:06 GMT

Munich - He's a dream, but his friend is pretty cute too. What's a girl to do when another guy - such as her boyfriend's friend - starts to shake up a relationship that she thought was going pretty well?

Experts say before rushing to break up, she should examine the reasons why she suddenly is falling for her boyfriend's friend or someone else in their circle of friends.

'There is nothing at all reprehensible about noticing these kind of feelings toward another person,' said Beate Friese of a children's hotline in Germany. 'Swooning over someone is often superficial, as in being crazy about a movie star.'

Usually, the object of one's affection is only an acquaintance - someone who looks cool or seems like a sweet person - and not someone who is already a friend.

It's also important to know that swooning over someone else doesn't mean you are no longer in love with your boyfriend of girlfriend, said Jutta Stiehler, director of an advice column at a German magazine for teenagers.

Swooning over someone or finding them attractive is not the same as being in love, said Stiehler. It has a lot to do with dreaming and 'bringing a little bit of suspense into your life.'

But when does it become serious enough to worry about? Experts say it can be a sign that the relationship isn't going well.

'At the beginning of a relationship there is a lot of excitement and tingly feelings, but after a certain time it can fade,' said Friese.

Meeting a third person can be thrilling, but you should pause and look at what strengths your partner has that are important to you and what the other person could offer in a relationship.

She added that it's important to remember that one single person cannot fulfill all one's desires.

When one partner doesn't like going out, but his friend does, it's natural to feel drawn to that person. 'You might think: 'I'm sure to have more fun with him,'' said Friese. But that could possibly be the only thing. If that's the case, it's best to tell your boyfriend you would like to do more things with him.

Another thing to consider is how it feels to flirt with two people at the same time. This can be exciting and it can make a person feel more sought-after. It's good for self esteem, said Friese.

'Everyone wants to be liked and loved, even better from several people,' she said. However, you should ask yourself whether it's the other person you like or just the feeling of being the object of affection. 'A person also can fall in love with this feeling.'

For many people this is exactly the reason they constantly change partners. The problem is they want to experience the excitement of a new relationship over and over again, but this never leads to a deep relationship, Friese said.

'In a relationship you have to be able to endure everyday life together, which is not always that exciting,' she added.

Sometimes an innocent attraction develops into true loving feelings and when that happens, it should be clear that this is playing with fire. It's something that can hurt one's partner badly.

'If it becomes serious or if you pay more attention to the other person than your boyfriend or girlfriend, then it's time to ask, 'Do I like him or her better and do I have to say something?'' said psychologist Elisabeth Raffauf.

Stiehler added that when it's more than just a little crush, the partner should be honest. 'It hurts to be left, but it is better to speak honestly about one's feelings in order to avoid hurting the partner even more,' she said.

Going beyond a flirtation is a 'no-go' because it has to do with trust, Friese adds.