Berlin undertaker goes extra mile to help mourners cope with loss

By Teresa Dapp Dec 1, 2011, 3:06 GMT

Berlin - Berlin undertaker Bernd Tonat spends a lot of his time helping grieving people come to terms with what he calls the 'inexplicable nature' of death.

Tonat becomes visibly animated when he describes how this difficult task is achieved, such as the story of a Harley Davidson on the grave of a biker or how one mourner 'lovingly and beautifully' decorated the simple coffin of a departed loved one. He also remembers how a hairdresser was buried with a selection of cigars.

Death and mourning are topics often avoided by most people but they have become an all-consuming project for 66-year-old Tonat, who has dedicated his life to helping others cope with the ultimate loss. 'If I touch a dead person then I have a greater opportunity to understand this death. After all children learn that a cooking plate is hot by touching it,' he explains.

Tonat encourages grieving relatives to do as much of the burial preparation as possible, including laying the dead person out at home, washing the body and selecting the coffin or burial urn. 'Everything that you do yourself, does you good,' he believes.

Tonat considers his office in Berlin's Moabit district as the logistical centre of his business. However, his real workplace is in cemeteries and talking and planning with relatives of the deceased.

He takes time to get to know not only the relatives but also the lost loved one and achieves this with the help of stories and photos. 'It isn't just a dead body in front of me, rather an entire life,' explains Tonat, who is at pains to keep the two together.

It's rare for a person to arrive at Tonat's door with a concrete idea about how a burial should take place. 'People aren't prepared for death and its consequences,' he explains.

Many of the rituals and traditions associated with the farewell of a loved one have been lost, leading to a feeling of helplessness. Death is pushed into the background whenever possible. 'Live life to excess and try not to think about the transient nature of our existence,' is how he describes the modern attitude to life.

However, death has never been a taboo subject for Tonat, who grew up on a farm in western Germany and experienced how his grandparents were laid out. 'I saw how death can be considered in the same way as birth,' says father-of-three Tonat.

Tonat came to the undertaking business via a circuitous route. After leaving school, he studied theology for five years before switching to psychology. He went on to work in a drug clinic, in business and in psychiatry before giving his first graveside oration at a funeral in 1992.

Further speeches followed but Tonat wasn't impressed by the way many of the funerals were planned so he decided to try and do it better himself. The chance to put his ideas into practice came in 1997 when a friend purchased an undertaking business, which Tonat eventually took over himself.

Tonat now organizes between 150 and 200 funerals a year but also speaks at burial ceremonies and with relatives. 'It's more difficult when your own life is affected by the loss,' he admits. He finds it especially tough when women around the same age as his own daughters have to be buried.