Sometimes a relationship deserves a second chance

By Aliki Nassoufis Nov 10, 2011, 3:06 GMT

Berlin - When a relationship ends, but strong feelings endure, some couples give it another try. This can be successful when each has learned from his or her mistakes and when each is ready to look away from his or her partner's faults.

As correct as a decision to separate might have seemed, relationship experts say the feelings don't always disappear all at once. To the contrary, when the two see each other, they find the tingly feeling is back. But whether it's a good idea to give an ex- boyfriend or girlfriend a second chance is another question.

Germany-based psychologist Elisabeth Raffauf said it's something to think about long and hard: 'Ask yourself the question: What led to our separation? Did he badly hurt me? Could it happen again or has he changed?'

Jutta Stiehler, who works on an advice column in a German magazine for teenagers, said whether it can work the second time depends on why the couple broke up. Things that must be clarified before the relationship restarts include whether the two were well matched in the first place. Did they have completely different hobbies and interests?

'Did one of the partners flirt with someone else or possibly even kiss another?' While that caused a breach of trust, it is possible that the two can it talk over, said Stiehler. It's important because 'when you have the intention to change the things that led to the first breakup, there could be a chance that the relationship will work out better.'

Beate Friese, who works at a telephone hotline for children and young people in Germany, advises against rushing back into a relationship. 'You have to give yourself enough time to find out what you want,' she said. Friese recommends writing down what was good about the relationship and what wasn't. When there is a lot of doubt, it has to be taken seriously into account, she added.

It is also important to consider the reasons why a relationship might be worth a second chance. 'Do you really get a tingly feeling when you see your former partner or have you simply not yet found a new partner? That's certainly not a good way to restart a relationship,' Friese said.

It might be helpful to talk with the ex about the doubts. 'Then the two can have a look together at what needs to be different in the second try,' said Friese. Accusations aren't good, but talking about one's feelings is. For example, if a boy felt jealous when his girlfriend talked with other boys. The question to ask is 'What can we both do about that?'

When someone goes back into a relationship without considering such things - with his or her partner or alone - there is a danger that the relationship will fall back into the same pattern as the first time. Even when everything has been worked out and the partners agree to try a second time, things still aren't always perfect.

'The partners probably will be confronted again with the same old faults,' said Raffauf. They just have to learn to deal with them. 'As a rule, trying to change another person usually doesn't work.'

The experts also warn about hushing up about things they don't like. 'Wiping it away doesn't help. Instead it is better to talk about one's feelings and concerns, but not in a heated situation,' said Raffauf. To bring it up, use a sentence like, 'I would like to tell you how it makes me feel when you flirt with other boys/girls.'

Simply criticizing the other person also is detrimental. Friese advises people to work on their own tolerance. It's possible that they might realize that certain things their partner does aren't as bad as they previously thought.

This could be one of the reasons why sometimes a relationship works better on the second try. Both were able to learn from the first relationship and know what might trip them up, said Stiehler.

'And when each is willing to give it another try and talk about things that bother them quickly, then they are able to build a good foundation for a relationship,' she said.

Couples also must realize that when they give a relationship a second chance, they might hear criticism from family and friends. Raffauf said it's alright to take these comments into account and think about what they mean.

But when other people become annoying, it's best to say something like, 'It's about me and my life' and then ignore them. 'When they see that a couple is serious about getting back together, they stop their criticism,' Raffauf said.