The benefits of couples playing sport together

By Lea Sibbel Nov 10, 2011, 3:06 GMT

Berlin - When couples decide to work out or play a sport together, they should remember that while it can strengthen their relationship, too much competition also can bring it to a frustrating end.

There are some couples whose competitiveness starts in the living room over which one of them holds the remote control. He wants to watch football, while she wants to turn on the latest celebrity gossip show. Before the argument heats up, they should consider a very simple solution: Turn off the TV, put on trainers and head outside. Shared activity or doing a sport together can reduce stress in the partnership.

Bente Klein, a psychologist in Germany, has written a book about happiness and overcoming stress in a partnership. Those who play a sport for fun, and people who pursue a set goal, such as completing a marathon, can feel many positive emotions.

Sport psychologist Jens Kleinert of a sports academy in Cologne views sport in a partnership from a social-psychological perspective. 'Each partner in a relationship has his or her own identity and a collective identity,' he said. Sport can be a means to develop both identities.

'It is important to strike a balance. When a couple already does a lot together, sport should serve to promote the partners' self identity. If the couple shares few other activities, sport takes on a huge meaning for the couple's collective identity,' Kleinert said.

'I would choose a sport that involves teamplay,' advised Kleinert. 'Canoeing, for example. Something that strengthens the 'we' feeling.'

Christian Thiel, a partnership and singles advisor in Berlin, advocates sports that allow chances to talk. Swimming is not a good sport for couples to take up together, he said. Jogging also isn't a good sport because joggers can't easily hold a conversation. A basic rule is that whatever both like can work as a shared sport.

Even when couples find a sport they can do together, there can still be problems. 'Men often want too much and are too competitive,' said Thiel. 'Many think back on their youth when they were fit, and they take that feeling into the relationship and want to prove that they are still stunningly athletic.'

When their partner can't keep up, it can be frustrating. When one partner always thinks he has to outplay the other it could be linked to a lack of self-esteem. Klein said when one partner recognizes he is too competitive, he should ask the larger question of whether it could be because he feels inferior in the relationship and because he always has to prove himself.

'Competition is a normal part of sport,' said Kleinert. But is competition also OK in the relationship? Kleinert is certain it can work, but it depends on the relationship.

'Some couples can clearly separate it. They take each other on for an hour on the tennis court, then go home arm-in-arm,' he said. As long as competition remains on the court - or wherever the sport is played - competitive behaviour is not a problem.

Getting instructions in a sport from a partner can be much more difficult. It doesn't remain on the objective level, it goes directly to the relationship level.

'While being instructed, a feeling of insufficiency can arise rapidly,' said Klein. Thiel advises showing a 'red card' to the partner who is playing the teacher. It's true that one partner can teach the other how to play a sport, but it requires very special educational skills, Kleinert said.

But when everything runs well and the partner feels that his or her skills are accepted, the positive effects of pursuing sport together can unfold. Above all doing a sport together can be a big plus for communication.

'Men feel especially good about doing something together. The couple tends to have conversations that they otherwise wouldn't have had,' said Thiel.

The other experts agree. When having fun is in the foreground and the goals are defined, sport can be good for a relationship. It's important that societal pressure on couples to do everything together is not the reason they do it.